It’s the Archer Quote-down!: Malory Archer

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With the long-awaited season five premier of FX’s vulgarity-soaked laugh-fest, Archer, upon us (January 13th), what better way to whet the anticipation of both fan and neophyte alike than with some of the best quotes from the show’s superbly voiced characters. Now that you’re done with H.R., it’s time to meet the boss.

Malory Archer. It’s fitting that the least maternal matriarch since Arrested Development’s Lucille Bluth share the scrumptiously noxious deliveries of Jessica Walters. As head of ISIS, she bears the heavy burden of leadership. And she’s not afraid to spread around the occupational misery through unreasonable demands, searing barbs and some light racism. And the list of damning evidence for how her super-spy son turned out the way he has continues to mount in increasingly horrible ways. Perhaps that’s why she’s one of the best characters on TV.

10. “If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I’d be a teacher!”

9. “Immigrants! That’s how they do, you know—just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.”

8. “Oh, like you’d recognize a vegetable that wasn’t wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.”

7. “You’re not fit to be Queen of … name a place.”

6. “My third biggest fear: He brings home a whore and says, ‘We’re married!’ Oh, and the whore has bangs.”

One of Malory’s defining traits is her classist elitism, which she wields like a cudgel when she’s even mildly inconvenienced.


Classist and xenophobic.


At least she never misses an opportunity to comment on an employee’s appearance.


She’s not wrong about the unreliable, glue-eating Cheryl, but she’d happily step on anyone’s dreams.


The only thing Malory is worse at than being a supportive, encouraging mother to her son is… Uh, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.