The 15 Best Christmas Songs, Ranked (Secular Category)
Photo by Mat Hayward/Getty
Hi, this is Shane, and here are two moments from my past.
First, childhood. Any December; just pick one. And then pick a moment when I’m at home, trying to enjoy a videogame or a book or a TV show or something. Inevitably, the sounds you’ll hear come from one of two Christmas tapes (later CDs) that my mother plays on a constant loop from Thanksgiving until Christmas day. The first is Kenny Rogers’ Christmas, from 1981. The second is Miracles: The Holiday Album by Kenny G, from 1994 (apparently this one didn’t enter my life until age 11, thank God). As you can imagine, this was misery. Just try listening to Kentucky Homemade Christmas 300 times and see what happens to you. And look, it might be a good song; I can’t even tell at this point.
Moment two: Discovering Sufjan Stevens’ Christmas EPs in college. This was when I realized that Christmas music could be really, really good. It changed my whole outlook, and now, years later, my original hatred has been extinguished and I’m ready to make this list.
After discussing things with Paste editor and seasonal music PhD Bonnie Stiernberg, I realized there are really two categories of “Christmas music.” The first are Christmas-themed songs without any religious connotation (other than the word Christmas, I guess?). The second are the religious tunes like “O Holy Night” and “What Child is This?” and so on. So we’re making two lists. Bonnie is an expert at the former, so a lot of today’s entries come from her. Tomorrow, we’ll be tackling the absolute worst in the secular category, and next week we’ll get into the religious tunes.
Note: We’re focusing holistically on the song itself rather any particular version, though a really kicking rendition maybe kinda/sorta influenced us anyway.
Honorable Mention: “Dominick The Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey)”
Shane: I got the sense that Bonnie might kill me if I included this on the actual list, and even honorable mention was a stretch. But there’s something hilarious and wonderful about this song. It’s like someone said, hey, we need an Italian Christmas song, and then assigned the job to his half-crazed kid brother. I wish I could have been there in this fictional scenario when the kid brother came back with a song about a donkey. Anyway, it’s really fun and bizarre, so I hereby honor it!
We Didn’t Include This Because We’re Awful People: “The Christmas Song”
Shane: More like BORING chestnuts roasting on a BORING fire. I’ve heard this song in far too many soulless department stores to even think about including it. Sorry, chestnut-heads.
15. “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”
Shane: I felt like we should start happy. Worth noting that there’s a character named Barney in this song who wants “hop-a-long boots,” which are apparently boots worn by Hopalong Cassidy, a fictional cowboy hero. So now you know that.
14. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Bonnie: I still have no idea what this “new old-fashioned way” of dancing merrily is supposed to be, but it doesn’t matter. We can cut Brenda Lee some slack for being vague—amazingly, she was just 13 years old when she recorded this song.
Shane: Yeah, what does that mean? Modern hip-hop dance, but you wear a Roman soldier’s costume?
13. “Christmas Time is Here”
Shane: Charles Schulz’ main goal in life was to depress us, and in this song, Vince Guaraldi translated his vision perfectly. So, so sad. But we need something to listen to when we’re sad and lonely on the couch, after we’ve overturned the table and alienated our friends at the Christmas party. Plus, it’s pretty beautiful.