What to pair it with: Any Two Buck Chuck wine from Trader Joe’s.
We’re told that Louis is the best in the business, and that he represents all that comedy was, is, and will be. So he should be some crazy $800 bottle. But sometimes you can’t tell the difference in taste between an $800 and a $2 bottle, so why be pretentious? That’s not the way Louis would want it. Plus, for the same amount of money, you could get 400 bottles of wine! And that should almost be enough to share with all those people in your life who ask “Oh, you’re a comedian? Do you know Louis CK? Isn’t he THE BEST?”
What to pair it with: Any cheap, well brand of tequila.
Patton is simply brilliant, and his well-crafted and reference-heavy jokes are fascinating and hilarious to hear. You really need (and should want) to listen to every word he says to get the biggest belly laughs. You may think this would pair nicely with some hipster, artisanal-mint-infused concoction; something where the bartender says, “and you’ll taste notes of pepper long after,” or something weird. But the truth is that with this special, you don’t want to waste the time on a complex drink that takes 20 minutes to make: you’ll be spitting it up when Patton hits you with his punch lines. Take the well tequila because you’ll need to drink fast between all the laughs and most of it will end up on your clothes anyway.
What to pair it with: Any crazy concoction your bartender makes.
We know we just said not to have any crazy concoctions for Patton Oswalt’s special, but for Maria it just makes sense. It’s hard to pin down what makes Maria’s comedy so fun to watch, so why pin down one kind of drink? Ask your bartender to make whatever drink best exemplifies their neuroses and fears, then sit back and enjoy the ride. You won’t know what’s in it. You won’t know what it tastes like. And you won’t know why you like it. All you’ll know is you’ll want more, just like Maria’s comedy.
What to pair it with: Whiskey. Straight.
Bill Burr is an angry guy. If you take just a quick whiff, you may flinch and be horrified at what’s going on. If you take the time to let him and the whiskey sit with you, though, you’ll realize what a great time you’re actually having. You’ll realize you had more patience than you thought you had, and that you’ll actually want a second round. Give your full attention to the Boston-bred comedian — and the whiskey — for an hour and you’ll understand how absolutely perfect both are. You’ll probably end up watching and re-watching all of his specials. That’s a lot of whiskey. Buckle in.
What to pair it with: One glass of red wine (It can’t hurt!)
Ali Wong is super pregnant in her special. Like, 7.5 months pregnant; the kind of pregnant when you don’t have to worry about asking a girl if she’s pregnant, cause she’s…so….obviously…pregnant. We’d say don’t drink a virgin daiquiri in solidarity with the pregnant gal, but doctors claim a glass of red wine is okay. So a glass of red wine it is — and a toast to the hilarious pregnant comedian who trapped a rich guy and can finally lie down!
What to pair it with: Whatever you want, girl.
We are Miracles isn’t just hilarious, it’s socially responsible, political and feminist. So the perfect pairing for Silverman’s statement of our time is…any f—king thing you want. Yup, any cocktail, beer, wine or scotch you please. Sarah’s message to girls is they can be anything they want to be. So why limit ourselves in what we drink? Vape, pop, snort, drink, juice or dive into a huge piece of chocolate cake. Who cares? The point is not to judge ourselves! Silverman’s special is masterful so just master whatever it is you’re drinking, kween!
What to pair it with: That $800 bottle of wine you passed on for the Louis C.K. special.
Gregg is pretty resigned to his fate as a middle-aged and middle-class white guy. His opening joke is all about how debt becomes meaningless as it haunts us all. Trust us, it’s great, and it’s a line we tell each other often when we see our bills come due. So you might as well treat yourself and indulge in something amazing, like an expensive wine — and this great hour of comedy because that debt will just be a higher number the next month. Live it up, just like Gregg does!
Max Cohen is a stand-up comic living in New York City. You can find him at thisismaxcohen.com, and follow him on facebook and twitter @thisismaxcohen. He and Vicky will be recording comedy albums on November 20th. You can purchase tickets here.
Vicky Kuperman is a stand-up comedian and author living in New York City. Her comedic dating book, The Russian Drop, is available on Amazon. Her album When I Could Feel is on iTunes.
Photo by ctj71081 via Flickr