The Reddit Relationship Guru: Red-Hot Celebrity Edition!

Comedy Features reddit

Every day, hundreds of Reddit users seek advice on the site’s Relationships page, opening their hearts on everything from dating to break-ups to infidelity to friendships gone wrong. We think this is a mistake—they should be coming directly to Paste. Why bother broadcasting your problems to hundreds of thousands of Reddit users when you could come straight to the Internet’s top source for relationship advice? Each week, I’ll try to correct this problem by addressing four of the relationship questions that really spoke to me, and little by little, I’ll make the world a better, and more terrible, place.

Welcome back! It’s week two of Paste’s very own terrible advice column. If you missed last week, where we tackled infidelity and weird shower habits, go check it out now! And now that you’re back and all caught up, let’s see what the broken hearts of Reddit have to say this week.

Spill your guts, Popular YouTuber:

Ann and I have been married for 9 months, we’ve been together for 3 years. Our relationship has been pretty smooth, and I love her to bits. However, we have a big personality clash. We’ve lived with it in the past but its affected her more than it has affected me. I’m more of a ‘keep it all in’ guy and I prefer to deal with my issues by myself. She on the other hand, talks about her issues with me, and we work through them together. I’ve always been a little “cold”, maybe steely is a better word. I’m not too emotional, not that its a good or bad thing, its just the way I am.

My wife and I were forced to put down our dog recently. He was my dog before we met but he became a big part of our family. She loved the hell out of that dog, and I did too. When I lived abroad for a year, he kept her company and she was very close to him. So, we came back from the vet, and she was crying all the way. I was feeling really sad but I wasn’t really showing it. She asked why I wasn’t feeling sad, I told her I was. She started screaming at me for not having feelings, me being inhuman, me being cold, and her being scared of me for that. I told her that I cannot force myself to cry and I was feeling terrible inside…

Next morning, I wake up and decide to edit some videos I wanted to upload. I work from home and I have one main computer to work from. It has 3 hard drives. The first one is my OS drive the other two have recordings on them. I wake up to find the other two completely wiped. I freak out and irrationally think that it might have been some software or something. I try and see what the cause was, and I can’t figure out anything. I had put in so much work recording these videos, so much effort had gone into them. I broke down. I had backed up only the recordings from 2 months ago. I’m sobbing hard and I just feel pathetic. I’d lost so much of my work and I couldn’t figure out how. My wife then comes in, sees me. I tell her what happened. She tells me she did it. She wanted to see me cry and didn’t know how else to make it happen. She’s is happy she got to see that some part of me is human. She tells me it was healthy for me to let my emotions out…I feel nothing but hatred towards her right now, but I need to be tactful in handling this situation right now. Help me figure it out?

In an attempt to help this poor man, I looked up Most Subscribed YouTube Users list on Wikipedia, and stopped when I got to no. 9: Eminem. Could this despairing post be the work of the iconic Detroit rapper?

Consider the facts: Back in Nov. 2013, the Internet was abuzz with rumors that he had gotten back together with Kim, his old flame. Hmmm. Kim. Ann. Both three letters. Both involved with popular YouTubers. The evidence is overwhelming: This is definitely Eminem.

Therefore, my advice is simple: Eminem, you should write a hateful rap song about “Ann,” revealing exactly how you’ll get your revenge in graphic detail, while throwing in a few offensive slurs for good measure. You’ll feel better in no time!

Let’s turn now to Picky Boyfriend:

I met a great girl, Wendy, my last year of college. We became good friends and started dating after graduation and have our 3 year anniversary coming up. I’ve got the money saved up for a ring and have been debating popping the question for our anniversary.

Wendy is beautiful, smart, has a good job, is funny, sweet, caring, basically everything a guy could ask. But there is, of course, one problem. Wendy is an incredibley picky eater. She literally only eats like a dozen or so things, and they are all things you could find on kids menu. Chicken nuggets, pizza, grilled cheese sandwhiches, etc.

Now while I like those things occasionaly, I also like to eat exotic things like Thai food, or Sushi or something that can be ordered outside of a fast food restaurant. Wendy never wants to go anywhere nice to eat. It’s always pizza or Mickey D’s. If we stay in it’s chicken nuggets or french fries…

First of all, I’m worried about her health. While she isn’t over weight at all (really fast metabolism) and her doctor said she was healthy at her last checkup, I can’t see how that will last forever. I really want her to take care of herself.

Second, maybe this is bad, but her diet is a total turn off and highly unattractive to me. To me it seems very immature and childish and I’m embarassed I can’t take her anywhere nice or out with other people.

Third, I’m trying to come to terms that if I want to go somewhere interesting I’ll have to go without her. And while I think I might be able to make that sacrifice, I am sick to death of eating Pizza Hut every week. And it seems kind of depressing that I’ll never be able to cook a meal indoors with her and share it with her. I’ll be eating my homemade curry or pasta dish or something and she’ll be munching on a grilled cheese sandwhich…So, would I be nuts to let this be a deal breaker? Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or is this a legitimate thing to take pause over?

I need a little bit more information here, Picky Boyfriend. Is the girl you’re dating constantly smiling? Does she have red hair that she wears in pigtails with little blue bows? Does she have big signs with her name on them in the ugly commercial sections of every town? If you answered yes, my educated guess is that you’re dating Wendy from the fast-food restaurant Wendy’s.

If I’m right, which I am, you’re in for a rough ride. I hate to stereotype, but fast food mascots never change. Whether it’s Wendy or Chuck E. Cheese or that free-riding bad boy Johnny Rocket, they will shatter the hearts of those who fall for them, and also literally damage their hearts by insisting on disgusting diets of fatty, processed foods. Get out now, before you find yourself ten years down the road, staggering about in a diabetic haze, wondering what happened to the person you loved.

You’re up, Lost in Love:

Last night, I discovered the man that I’ve been seeing is engaged and I’m the other woman. Really? Is this real life? I found out through someone else and once I did, I texted him saying “I heard you were getting married. I feel like such an idiot. I’m so sorry.” He eventually replied telling me that he didn’t know what to say and he was trying to reply, but he couldn’t explain it through text. We’re having lunch tomorrow so he can explain the “long story” and I’m not really sure how I feel.

I’m obviously upset and I feel VERY naive. I want an explanation for it all, so I agreed to lunch and I don’t know if that’s a bad idea. I’m unable to completely cut all ties, because we encounter each other professionally often.

Is lunch a bad idea? I feel awful saying this, but I feel like if he tries to kiss me, I’ll give in. I’m trying to not be an awful person. I don’t want to be a home wrecker, but I was falling for him more than I care to admit.

What should I do in this situation? I feel completely lost right now.

Now that we’ve had two famous people write to Reddit—ie me—I feel like the pattern has been set, and this has to be another. Even if it’s not, I now have a taste for celebrity advice-giving, I really don’t want to go back to normal dud humans. Because, really, who cares? If you’re not famous, you don’t matter, and I certainly don’t want to deal with your stupid small problems.

So I’m going to assume this is Taylor Swift, and the person she hooked up with is Sean Penn, who reportedly proposed in December to Charlize Theron. In this case, Taylor Swift, I would say go ahead and kiss him at the lunch meeting, because man! How insane would that be! Taylor Swift and Sean Penn hooking up, and Charlize Theron plotting her revenge??? AWESOME.

Finally, let’s hear from Worried Social Networker:

I (17m) said something inappropriate to (17f) on social network. I’ll just post the interaction between us since it was very short.

Her: I wish more people would jump down my fucking throat today 🙂
Me: why u so smart, pretty, fun, and caring… bitch.
Her: you took that too far I think
Me: Sorry only good intentions

I was trying to cheer her up and make it kinda funny but she took it the wrong way I guess? I’m not sure what do you think?

Wait, how old is Justin Bieber again?

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