There was a game, and the hard men played it.
At home a nation stared at its screens and also stared at its smaller screens and sometimes even stared at additional screens within that first screen, a feedback loop of constant stimulus and instant response shared globally through the hard-won miracle of science, a stream of immediate reactions jabbed furiously into a phone as the hard men pummeled each other and as previews of teasers for movie trailers flowered and faded away and as truck ads distorted and commercialized messages from civil rights martyrs.
Sometimes those reactions were at least kind of funny?
Here are some examples. Maybe you will agree. Maybe you live in Philadelphia and are currently too busy trying to crawl from the wreckage that was once your historic city to read a hastily dashed off series of embedded tweets. Don’t worry: this content isn’t ever going away. Once the internet has been restored to the burnt out hole that was once the site of our nation’s founding you’ll easily be able to scroll these bona fide kneeslappers and hardcore chucklers. And that’s a promise!
I wish I had the intestinal fortitude to block anyone who pulls some “sportsball” bullshit tomorrow. You KNOW it’s a fucking football. You know that.
— Rosa Pasquarella (@whatrosasaid) February 4, 2018
Hey gang I feel like I owe you all a detailed and extremely huffy explanation of precisely why I am not watching a sporting event on TV later today. [1/18]
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) February 4, 2018
“I remember another guy they counted out. A guy named Donald Trump.” Pats halftime speech.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) February 5, 2018
Enjoy your “SJW Bowl” full of kneeling crybabies. I’ll be watching the XFL’s proof-of-concept exhibition “America Bowl.” It’s being played on the Pacific Garbage Patch, streaming on 4 chan, and refs have been replaced with explosive roombas.
— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) February 4, 2018
Really pumped to see … [squints at photo] … Andy Warhol(?) make his NFL debut tonight pic.twitter.com/7A7szbJohC
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) February 4, 2018
My stance on Justin Timberlake has always been that he is a human wedding dance
— erin ryan (@morninggloria) February 5, 2018
“It’s a dick in a box!” pic.twitter.com/IgO3SUnS8b
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 5, 2018
Justin Timberlake needs to apologize to Janet Jackson for this performance too #SuperBowl
— Jake Plunkett (@JakePlunkett) February 5, 2018
“I could’ve done a better halftime show,” I smugly think to myself, a man whose effort level is “brings paper towels to a party”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 5, 2018
Patriots score immediately after half
ALL OF ATLANTA: turns to look at one another sadly
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) February 5, 2018
Everyone at my This Is Us party is getting really tired of sitting around
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 5, 2018
It feels like we’re all about to take off on a Virgin Airlines flight #HalfTimeShow#SuperBowl
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) February 5, 2018
okay but why did #JustinTimberlake look like a clearance table at Bass Pro #SuperBowlpic.twitter.com/DB1tlAMwJL
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 5, 2018
lets all agree that no matter who wins, each player should have to line up at the end and kiss tom brady on the lips
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) February 5, 2018
PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
Belichick: [slams door, kicks over laundry cart] GODDAMIT GUYS. IM GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT BECAUSE I NEED TO SEE MAN OF THE WOODS BUT WHAT TH
— ?netw3rk (@netw3rk) February 5, 2018
I didn’t know a single person could appropriate both black and white culture but here we have Justin Timberlake
— Rhea Butcher ???????? (@RheaButcher) February 5, 2018
OSCAR: So, will Philly freak out and burn everything they lose?
ME: Yes.
OSCAR: And if they win?
ME: Yes.
OSCAR: So…
ME: THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY.— Maureen Johnson (@maureenjohnson) February 5, 2018
Hi this commercial is playing Nirvana’s All Apologies on a xylophone while we stare at babies and I waited to see if it was for Planned Parenthood before talking shit about it but it’s for T-Mobile so BY ALL MEANS WHAT THE FUCK
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) February 5, 2018
I can’t wait to not be an Eagles fan anymore. #SuperBowl
— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) February 5, 2018
If the Eagles win you’ll get to see someone dressed as Ben Franklin shitting in a garbage can filled with fireworks in Philadelphia, which you can also see if the Eagles do not win.
— Joe R (@Randazzoj) February 5, 2018
The only thing that could scare Tom Brady right now is science based medicine
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) February 5, 2018
If things don’t go well, Brady ready to shoot Gronkowski in the back of the head while telling him about the rabbits
— Dan O’Sullivan (@Bro_Pair) February 5, 2018
How’d you find your religion? “Oh, I saw an ad on the Super Bowl.”
— Sarah Tollemache (@stollemache) February 5, 2018
That wasn’t a 15 sec. blackout of the Super Bowl rather it was a GOP spot for all the positive things attributable to the Trump Administration.
— John Dean (@JohnWDean) February 5, 2018
Spoiler alert: The Super Bowl does NOT pass the Bechdel Test
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) February 4, 2018
Prince halftime tribute was pretty cool… pic.twitter.com/YK2ZN8okYz
— Benstonium (@Benstonium) February 5, 2018
If the Eagles win and Trump invites them to the White House I hope they go full Philly and shit in all the urns
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) February 5, 2018
One good sign for the Eagles: The Patriots have never won a Super Bowl during a constitutional crisis.
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) January 30, 2018
Remember that everyone on The Eagles and The Patriots has seen each other naked and frequently touch each other intimately on the bottom. Win or lose, their bodies will be flooded with hormones, they’ll be excited and confused. Who knows what will happen next.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) February 5, 2018
Immediately following the Super Bowl they are dropping a new season of SMASH
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) February 5, 2018
Eagles win. pic.twitter.com/qhLC7Lilr7
— colton dunn (@captdope) February 5, 2018
Breaking news:
Philly fans have melted the liberty bell down to make brass knuckles to fight one another. #SuperBowlLll
— Ian Bohen (@IanBohen) February 5, 2018
Al michaels just said “it’s the super bowl, so of course we have Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton.”
— Matt Mira (@MattMira) February 5, 2018
Gives me joy that the Trump son’s have to watch the Super Bowl knowing Tom Brady is the son thier dad actually wanted.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 4, 2018
Cheering for the Patriots in the Super Bowl is like saying your favorite character in My Girl is the bees.
— Røb Fee (@robfee) February 4, 2018
When I was a kid there was no YouTube so it was hard to get videos of guys getting kicked in the nuts, which is why Super Bowl ads were such a big deal back then.
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) February 4, 2018
I’ve tweeted this before but watching the Super Bowl in LA is just pointing out which actors in the commercials were in your improv class
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) February 4, 2018