It’s election week, so both the political joke and weirdly violent “vote or you’re dead to me” Tweets are present in full force, with a sizable helping of that leftover Halloween costume pride. I’d encourage you to go vote tomorrow, and if that’s your thing then you definitely should, but lately I’ve become obsessed with demons and how I’m convinced they walk among us. I know it sounds scary and weird, but trust me, it’s fine— I’m fine. Anyway, here are my faves from the past seven days. (Special shout out to JP McDade, whose Sebastian Maniscalco impersonation, linked below, is one of my new favorite internet videos of all time.)
As promised, my set from #schtickortreat 2018 as Sebastian Maniscalco. https://t.co/oFR6e0cUKw
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) October 30, 2018
You know your neighborhood’s gentrified when there’s more adults walking around in Halloween costumes than kids.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) October 31, 2018
— mr. joshua (@pants) October 30, 2018
this guy in Death Note figures out that he has a notebook with the power to kill people and he immediately writes in 500 names without questioning where it came from or why he has it big same buddy
— Abhinaya (@abbygov) October 30, 2018
miner in 1849: i can’t tell if this is gold or pyrite
other miner: weird flecks, but ok— LATINA BAMBINA (@jessisupreme) October 31, 2018
senate candidate:wearing plaid shirt I’m from the heartland, a place where people have common sense
his opponent, me: wearing 5 plaid shirts at once I’m from the heart of the heartland, a common sense place where common sense people have the common sense to have common sense
— Schmrrrlex (@alexlumaga) November 5, 2018
You only hear about registered nurses. Shout out to all the unregistered nurses out there, who forgot to register or refused to for some reason. You don’t know their lives.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 30, 2018
6 months ago I joined the dollar shave club and today I am the proud owner of 3 million razor blades
— Jack Comstock (@hackcomstock) October 31, 2018
really thought being an adult woman would involve more toxic shock syndrome
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) November 1, 2018
practices high-fiving into the pillow
[sigh] someday I’ll get to do this with a real boy
— Mark Magark (@markedly) November 4, 2018
hey shark tank guys. whats up. i dont have a product idea, but if one if you gives me $10 ill let you shoot me with a gun
— robyn reynolds (@hornydilbert) November 2, 2018
Just a reminder for later tonight: if you take your Halloween costume off to have sex you’re a coward
— Joe tullar (@joetullar123456) October 31, 2018
Going on a date tonight with $11 in my bank account let’s hope he’s not a feminist lol
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) October 30, 2018
If you buy more than three Funko Pops in your adult life you should automatically lose control of your finances and be placed in a special group home for compassionate but firm resocialization
— Face (@Arr) November 2, 2018
smh this new grinch keeps getting meaner n meaner pic.twitter.com/sF05DkEmxv
— Bug Mane (@bugmanetv) November 2, 2018
netflix has a “cynical stand-up comedy” section & it’s all dudes in their 40s getting mad because everyone thinks they’re assholes
— Official Enya VEVO (@nachdermas) November 2, 2018