You’d think spending hours a day in a car would make you look at Twitter even more and yet that is not what happened to me earlier this week. If this latest utterly inessential round-up of the funniest tweets of the week seems very light on the first few days of that time period, that’s because yeah, I wasn’t looking at this miserable death app all that much. I was probably asleep in a van, or driving a van, or reading some non-fiction baseball book I bought at an outlet book store like 10 years ago. Look, I love you, but sometimes you have to find your own tweets.
Here’s what I was around for, though: the televised obliteration of Mike Bloomberg in the form of a debate; the simultaneous phoenix-like rise of Elizabeth Warren’s listing campaign; Trump taking the time at one of his incoherent cult meeting rallies to bash Parasite and wish 81-year-old slavery apologia Gone With the Wind had won best picture instead; and incels, trolls and cyberassholes somehow turning the Sonic the Hedgehog movie into some kind of anti-feminism thing. Truly a slambang week of absolute misery and nonsense. Here are the tweets about it all. Once again, follow every person whose account you see below, and if you already follow them, follow them again, or something.
Say what you will about Bloomberg’s policies, at least he has no charisma.
— francesca fiorentini (@franifio) February 20, 2020
Criticize Bloomberg all you want but he will be an unstoppable force to defeat Trump as long as no one ever hears him speak publicly or looks up anything he’s ever done
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 16, 2020
bloomberg spent a zillion dollars to be humiliated on a national stage. he’s a paypig
— Ken KlippenSTEIN (@kenklippenstein) February 20, 2020
headed to the gas station to purchase their signature product: Gas
— slick (@dlicj) February 20, 2020
BREAKING: A fourth Bernie home has been discovered – right here in my heart aww come here you old so and so
— vineyille (@vineyille) February 21, 2020
i love stand-up specials but i don’t need the 13 minute ‘silly intro’. just START. when i turn it on i want the comedian already at the mic. they should already be mid-joke. make me feel like i missed the first 5 minutes. the first 30 minutes. HELL ALL OF IT god i hate stand-up
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) February 21, 2020
having clinical depression is highly genetic which means there is a direct line between me and my one incredibly sad ancestor who was still hot enough to reproduce. I think of them often
— christina (@floozyesq) February 21, 2020
Don’t marry a tall dude. He’s going to die young. You fuck the tall ones in your 20s, then you fall in love with a short king whos organs are neatly placed in his body in all the functioning ways, and you both die together at the same time holding hands in side by side bathtubs.
— Hoe Rogan (@DaniiGallegos_) February 19, 2020
A playlist consisting only of Smashing Pumpkins songs that contain names of people that sound like they died on the Titanic is…. surprisingly long pic.twitter.com/MrKUt3BBUM
— Erin effing golden Ryan (@morninggloria) February 15, 2020
Screenwriting 101:
WHAT DOES THE HERO WANT
what drives them?WHAT STANDS IN THEIR WAY
what conflict prevents their needs?WHO BOUGHT A ZOO
which of your characters bought a zoo?HOW HAVE THEY CHANGED
how have the events affected the hero? do they still own the zoo?— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) February 19, 2020
It’s way too early for this shit pic.twitter.com/xwTtEjz36t
— Thomas Pluck (@thomaspluck) February 16, 2020
Super unprofessional when ventriloquists argue with their puppets over which one of them is the dummy. Figure that shit out backstage.
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) February 18, 2020
i want to be the best at brushing my teeth pic.twitter.com/8KPNDJLhae
— jared (@jardsmard) February 19, 2020
The Thong Song did not have to be that fucking dramatic
— (be kind to each other) (@Ritawhoras) February 19, 2020
Any male born after 1978 can’t cook … all they know is listen to Pavement and explain favorite Mr. Show sketch
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) February 18, 2020
I will not be satisfied until Bernie shrinks down a school bus full of reporters and lets them travel through his circulatory system
— Ray (@fluff_weather) February 20, 2020
If what happened to the web is any guide, by 2030 there will be five big podcasts and all the hosts will somehow be complicit in genocide.
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) February 19, 2020
Happy #LoveYourPetDay to our sweet boy Alan. pic.twitter.com/LN3myeNRpJ
— Jeff (@usedwigs) February 20, 2020
This is the funniest fucking video title ever pic.twitter.com/HIZ0TfHVyT
— DogDunce (@DogDunce_GG) February 20, 2020
These Oscars, forget it — we love the way Hollywood used to be, don’t we folks? We love that train coming right at you in the theater. The train’s comin in, scary, look out! But not to me. I was one of the first to say the train wasn’t going to hurt us and I said it very strongly
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 21, 2020