This week’s Tweets of the week feels like a smorgasbord of darkness. The world’s most famous pedophile mysteriously died in jail, fish got thrown in tubes, plastic surgery took some hard left turns, and the internet was ready to riff about it. We’ll bring you lighter Tweets when the world stops burning. Remember, these people Tweet for free so the least you can do is give them a follow if you laugh. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
I am CRYING laughing at this like imagine being a fish and minding your own business but humans fucked up the world so bad that their version of helping you is launching you through a giant silly straw https://t.co/7UppI0r3IM
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) August 11, 2019
A regular brought a date into the bar and when he went to the bathroom, she asked, “Does he bring a lot of women in here?” and I said, “Not as many as you’d think!”
And she seemed to like that answer!— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) August 10, 2019
this social media manager said fuck it, i’m tweeting the truth today https://t.co/286CIiUcj4
— noor (@nooralsibai) August 10, 2019
“there are at least three” is admittedly the funniest thing a political candidate has ever said about gender https://t.co/crgXpiqzoR
— ds9 se01ep10 move along home defender (@defundpoppunk) August 10, 2019
Today my Uber driver told me that there’s an outbreak of armadillos infected with leprosy in Nashville and on the same day as Epstein suicide and Miley and Liam breakup I feel unsafe in this country
— Blair Socci (@blairsocci) August 11, 2019
HOLY SHIT MY NUMBER NEIGHBOR IS BILL CLINTON pic.twitter.com/UOaaq7AQ7S
— Nate (@Pure_VEVO) August 11, 2019
Look at fuckin Cormac McCarthy writing for Reuters over here pic.twitter.com/C8erM6DSIf
— August J. Pollak (@AugustJPollak) August 13, 2019
The main complaint I get about the DBZ franchise is that it’s unrealistic when the characters spend multiple eps standing & yelling to power up so they can eventually fight but I’ve spent 5 days striaght psyching myself up to send a single text & this isn’t even my final form
— A Christmas KRL (@katierose) August 13, 2019
replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
— inferno enby summer (@FeelingFisky) August 13, 2019
I can’t afford to live alone so I have decided to just get a very serious boyfriend who works long hours
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) August 14, 2019
MY GIRLFRIEND THINKS IM CRAZY FOR HAVING FULL BLOWN CONVERSATIONS WITH OUR DOG BUT THEN SHE MADE AN INSTAGRAM FOR THE DOG WHO DOESNT EVEN HAVE A PHONE
— REGIONAL JUSTICE CENTER (@regionaljustice) August 13, 2019
conservative: Greta Thunberg should be ignored. She’s just a kid. She’s no expert.
me: Ok, so do you listen to the climate scientists and the IPCC?
con: Well no
me: Who then?
con: There’s this youtuber called The Patriotic Gamer. He’s my main source on climate science.
— Wild Geerters (@classiclib3ral) August 15, 2019
Goes on first date, scared he’ll ghost but instead gets this text pic.twitter.com/3horiipUv9
— EricD14 (@EricD14) August 14, 2019
Why is my dog also a therapist who is disappointed that you continue using humor to deflect as a means to avoid resolving conflict. pic.twitter.com/Q0jbWLBeCq
— rachel (@madamradams) August 15, 2019
Turns out Jeffrey Epstein’s death was caused by an overcrowded/understaffed prison system so yeah I guess Bill Clinton did it after all.
— Jono Zalay (@JonoZalay) August 14, 2019
I imagine a barstool sports union meeting going something like:
fellas is it GAY to want healthcare?
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) August 14, 2019
you’re telling me a childhood made this trauma???
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) August 14, 2019
simon cowell looks like someone tried to make simon cowell in the sims 3 but got stuck playing around with the eye toggles for too long pic.twitter.com/KFBiqUXbZr
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) August 15, 2019
the algorithm t-shirts facebook is showing are getting disturbing – in their specificity but also their… prophetic quality.
“Never mess with a PISCES who loves CHEESE & will have a MYSTERIOUS ACCIDENT in her 2009 HONDA CIVIC on JUNE 25 2025 at 11:45 PM”
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 15, 2019
the worst part about my dad dying was when my mom started dating again and saw my then boyfriend on tinder and i had to explain to her that he “just liked to swipe for fun” and i was “totally okay with it”
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) August 15, 2019