This week’s Tweets of the week feels like a smorgasbord of darkness. The world’s most famous pedophile mysteriously died in jail, fish got thrown in tubes, plastic surgery took some hard left turns, and the internet was ready to riff about it. We’ll bring you lighter Tweets when the world stops burning. Remember, these people Tweet for free so the least you can do is give them a follow if you laugh. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
I am CRYING laughing at this like imagine being a fish and minding your own business but humans fucked up the world so bad that their version of helping you is launching you through a giant silly straw https://t.co/7UppI0r3IM
A regular brought a date into the bar and when he went to the bathroom, she asked, “Does he bring a lot of women in here?” and I said, “Not as many as you’d think!” And she seemed to like that answer!
— ds9 se01ep10 move along home defender (@defundpoppunk) August 10, 2019
Today my Uber driver told me that there’s an outbreak of armadillos infected with leprosy in Nashville and on the same day as Epstein suicide and Miley and Liam breakup I feel unsafe in this country
The main complaint I get about the DBZ franchise is that it’s unrealistic when the characters spend multiple eps standing & yelling to power up so they can eventually fight but I’ve spent 5 days striaght psyching myself up to send a single text & this isn’t even my final form
Why is my dog also a therapist who is disappointed that you continue using humor to deflect as a means to avoid resolving conflict. pic.twitter.com/Q0jbWLBeCq
simon cowell looks like someone tried to make simon cowell in the sims 3 but got stuck playing around with the eye toggles for too long pic.twitter.com/KFBiqUXbZr
the worst part about my dad dying was when my mom started dating again and saw my then boyfriend on tinder and i had to explain to her that he “just liked to swipe for fun” and i was “totally okay with it”