I’ve got to say, I thought there would be more jokes about impeachment this week. But instead the Gods of Twitter realized it’s going to be a long and exhausting process, saving those funny Tweets for later as this drags on for months. Lets take one more week to pretend the next year of Presidential election coverage isn’t going to be exhausting enough and enjoy the quiet. It’s nice in here. We even included a funny kid video. Enjoy.
how white women coddle each other when one of them has been “accidentally racist” on the timeline https://t.co/ihiSOnyu6P
— hot girl midsommar (@Ianakane) September 22, 2019
I was telling my roommate a story about how once back in the day I peed AND vomited on myself at a bar and she was like “it happens to the best of us!” and I was like no it absolutely does not
— Samm Severin (@waitressboner) September 20, 2019
my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) September 19, 2019
My favorite drink is “whichever tequila, not the well one. Like, just one better than that.”
— …of the Beaverton Karmels (@IanKarmel) September 20, 2019
Las Vegas is like if Miami followed through on all the plans it made while on coke.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 21, 2019
nobody likes the jokes i write about my rape but sometimes you just gotta force it
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) September 21, 2019
I do believe In gender roles. Girls should be actresses, guys should be math
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) September 21, 2019
”…But the worst thing I done I mixed a pot of fake puke at home & I went to a movie theater, hid the puke, climbed up the balcony & then made a noise like: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa & I dumped it over the side, all over the crowd, people got sick & threw up up all over each other..” pic.twitter.com/GALo8l4HDT
— Billy Wayne Davis (@BillyWayneDavis) September 21, 2019
cocaine is the most overrated drug in the world unless you’re really into talking about how the red hot chili peppers are underrated way to close to someone’s face
— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) September 21, 2019
HI EVERYONE. I won’t have time to walk the press line at the #Emmys this year, so I’m leaving my red carpet look up to you. Would you like to say you dressed an awards show nominee? Just edit your design into these @kimnewmoney photos. High res link in bio! pic.twitter.com/SsBJQhdwBJ
— Emily “Emily Heller” Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) September 21, 2019
As an open mic comic I spent so much time fantasizing about “shutting down a heckler” & tonight during my set a guy finally yelled “when does the comedy start?!” & I couldn’t think of anything clever so I just said “about an hour ago you fuckin idiot” and it got an applause break
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) September 22, 2019
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%
— Shayne Smith (@Shaydozer) September 22, 2019
Capitalism is the brief window between discovering the impossible burger and learning that we can’t enjoy it because it’s destroying the environment or the company founder wrote something called like “why is everyone so hard on Hitler”
— Ed Booooo-mila (@gin_and_tacos) September 22, 2019
An inside look at @floortrendsmag’s very successful effort to get a Hard Times article removed from the Internet. pic.twitter.com/URBOyILah4
— Matt Saincome (@MattSaincome) September 23, 2019
Persistence has paid off. Have finally won the trust and affection of my best friend’s cat. pic.twitter.com/XGzkmFQXoU
— Richard E. Grant (@RichardEGrant) September 22, 2019
rich people are not ignorant of climate change. they have clearheadedly assessed the dangers ahead and decided they’d like to maintain their own comfort in exchange for the existence of fish and birds
— Lauren (checkmark coming 11-17-19) (@LLW902) September 24, 2019
I’d like to thank Nancy Pelosi for giving me the the worst thanksgiving of my life
— Caleb Synan (@calebsynan) September 24, 2019
In high school, high af, sneaking past ur parent’s bedroom with a bunch of snacks pic.twitter.com/kS7shhgCPp
— Logan Guntzelman (@adirtyguntz) September 24, 2019
every now and then i see someone post wistfully about some shit that happened on here like the time that guys shoes got roasted but really the only truly great thing to ever happen here was this pic.twitter.com/1Akrht8jVo
— T E X D U D E (@allahliker) September 26, 2019
“Welp. Well this blew up, feel free to check out my YouTube & https://t.co/YJkxelo3zc for show dates!” – me replying to my own tweet about how my kid has gone missing
— Nick Nemeroff (@nicknemeroff) September 25, 2019
When you get heart broken but you have to remind yourself who tf you are pic.twitter.com/4OZQ38wf1b
— evil (@evilbart24) September 26, 2019
The kiddo is threatening to throw her very first book in the trash because she “doesn’t know how to make it better.”
I’ve never felt such sympathy. pic.twitter.com/q8n45Bi1WL
— Jules Archer (@JulesJustWrite) September 26, 2019
NBC: Impeachment
ABC: Impeachment
CNN: Impeachment
FOX: pic.twitter.com/nNXBQVKMkG— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 26, 2019
women:
popcorn brands marketed to women: SKINNY GIRL GUILT-FREE VAVAVOOM VEGAN BOOM CHICKA WOW LADIES NIGHT SUGAR AND SPICE FOR YOUR TIGHT WET PINK PUSSY FLAVOR with no preservatives
— olivia gatwood (@oliviagatwood) September 26, 2019
John-Michael Bond is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. He’s on Twitter @BondJohnBond. Find him on tour here.