I’ve got to say, I thought there would be more jokes about impeachment this week. But instead the Gods of Twitter realized it’s going to be a long and exhausting process, saving those funny Tweets for later as this drags on for months. Lets take one more week to pretend the next year of Presidential election coverage isn’t going to be exhausting enough and enjoy the quiet. It’s nice in here. We even included a funny kid video. Enjoy.
how white women coddle each other when one of them has been “accidentally racist” on the timeline https://t.co/ihiSOnyu6P
I was telling my roommate a story about how once back in the day I peed AND vomited on myself at a bar and she was like “it happens to the best of us!” and I was like no it absolutely does not
my favorite small talk thing to do with trust fund kids in Los Angeles is ask “so what do you do for work?” and watch them try to come up with something.
”…But the worst thing I done I mixed a pot of fake puke at home & I went to a movie theater, hid the puke, climbed up the balcony & then made a noise like: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa & I dumped it over the side, all over the crowd, people got sick & threw up up all over each other..” pic.twitter.com/GALo8l4HDT
cocaine is the most overrated drug in the world unless you’re really into talking about how the red hot chili peppers are underrated way to close to someone’s face
HI EVERYONE. I won’t have time to walk the press line at the #Emmys this year, so I’m leaving my red carpet look up to you. Would you like to say you dressed an awards show nominee? Just edit your design into these @kimnewmoney photos. High res link in bio! pic.twitter.com/SsBJQhdwBJ
As an open mic comic I spent so much time fantasizing about “shutting down a heckler” & tonight during my set a guy finally yelled “when does the comedy start?!” & I couldn’t think of anything clever so I just said “about an hour ago you fuckin idiot” and it got an applause break
At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone
Capitalism is the brief window between discovering the impossible burger and learning that we can’t enjoy it because it’s destroying the environment or the company founder wrote something called like “why is everyone so hard on Hitler”
rich people are not ignorant of climate change. they have clearheadedly assessed the dangers ahead and decided they’d like to maintain their own comfort in exchange for the existence of fish and birds
every now and then i see someone post wistfully about some shit that happened on here like the time that guys shoes got roasted but really the only truly great thing to ever happen here was this pic.twitter.com/1Akrht8jVo
“Welp. Well this blew up, feel free to check out my YouTube & https://t.co/YJkxelo3zc for show dates!” – me replying to my own tweet about how my kid has gone missing
popcorn brands marketed to women: SKINNY GIRL GUILT-FREE VAVAVOOM VEGAN BOOM CHICKA WOW LADIES NIGHT SUGAR AND SPICE FOR YOUR TIGHT WET PINK PUSSY FLAVOR with no preservatives
