Good morning, it is the day everyone has been waiting for for three days, the day of the big indictment. What to make of the news? I simply cannot say! I’m just your humble assistant comedy editor here to deliver the day’s tweets. If there’s a bunch of funny tweets about the indictments, well, I’ll deliver those too, because tweets are the fuel of the comedy journalism business these days. “Tweet-tweet” goes the machine, the machine of comedy journalism, which I operate every day here, wearing a tiny hat and those white gloves. Yep, that’s me. All aboard:
My followers are sick thugs, they are Debauched imps, and they love to be made to howl like dogs when i call them my little sewer bitch rats
— wint (@dril) October 24, 2017
a running list of words Ivanka Trump doesn’t know how to use: relative, albeit pic.twitter.com/IHg2xFcI1E
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) October 24, 2017
“Now that we have helped a stupid madman to power, we can criticize him and then quit our hard jobs we are bad at.” – Republican Senators
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 24, 2017
martin luther inaugurated 500 years of Posting, and with every new Post we honor his bravery pic.twitter.com/J8SnKl2U5L
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) October 29, 2017
the domino’s website has a button labeled “CHEESE ME UP!” i contend all websites should have this button
— Alex Perry (@Yelix) October 29, 2017
this is not normal
THIS IS NOT NORMAL pic.twitter.com/vxJnAIY5wL— Big Doula Jeb Lund (@Mobute) October 29, 2017
If you are able to sit behind homeplate at a world series game you def are a vicious polluter / have blood on your hands
— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) October 26, 2017
i sleep well knowing that rory gilmore ended up being a loser
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) October 29, 2017
Interesting pic.twitter.com/3hCfusINyD
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) October 30, 2017
hello mr police
hello mr baby
hello mr rag time gal pic.twitter.com/nQ5FAl9Poh— Tweeter ?? (@davidqbyrne) October 28, 2017
i am teen pikachu pic.twitter.com/oF2ct8ODYO
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) October 29, 2017
the world series? well, that’s the key to the whole deal. you win that, you won’t be watching the parade — you’ll be IN the parade
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) October 29, 2017
Doctor doctor
Gimmie the news
I’ve got an
Unworn pair
Of baby shoes— spree overlord (@Boringstein) October 28, 2017
easy last-minute costume pic.twitter.com/xh4wuFlEkl
— libby watson ???? (@libbycwatson) October 29, 2017
WHAT. pic.twitter.com/FCHIqBo68n
— Weyermann (@highlikeplanes_) October 27, 2017
mister police…………….thanks for the good work you do
— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) October 28, 2017
Imagine if you died and they made your obituary “the psychologist who believed in screaming” pic.twitter.com/FIRjIBRQNh
— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) October 28, 2017
women don’t like cargo shorts because they expose the tactical inferiority of purses
— ???? stronger thing ???? (@crushingbort) October 27, 2017
ElvishPresley/status/923921225155514368″>
Lee Harvey Oswald is trending on Twitter? oh boy, what did he do this time
— Evilsh Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) ElvishPresley/status/923921225155514368?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>October 27, 2017
whenever someone starts saying stuff to me pic.twitter.com/pdjIybPee6
— Sarah Wilson (@sarah_wilsun) October 26, 2017
I’m The Good Brain Boy pic.twitter.com/Oo9dlLWod7
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 25, 2017
What they don’t tell you is Jeanette is thirty-seven years old. pic.twitter.com/GSCcYIsEWX
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 23, 2017
What I’ve learned after watching a million and one TV pilots, a complete list:
being a comedian is hardwomen cheat and/or get murdered.— Caroline Framke (@carolineframke) October 23, 2017
I want to live in a world where all of the news is like this & is presented in this way. pic.twitter.com/8Wz2wNHQER
— Ben Kling (@benkling) October 23, 2017
Keep scrolling for more great stories.