The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Good morning, it is the day everyone has been waiting for for three days, the day of the big indictment. What to make of the news? I simply cannot say! I’m just your humble assistant comedy editor here to deliver the day’s tweets. If there’s a bunch of funny tweets about the indictments, well, I’ll deliver those too, because tweets are the fuel of the comedy journalism business these days. “Tweet-tweet” goes the machine, the machine of comedy journalism, which I operate every day here, wearing a tiny hat and those white gloves. Yep, that’s me. All aboard:

My followers are sick thugs, they are Debauched imps, and they love to be made to howl like dogs when i call them my little sewer bitch rats

— wint (@dril) October 24, 2017

a running list of words Ivanka Trump doesn’t know how to use: relative, albeit pic.twitter.com/IHg2xFcI1E

— eve peyser (@evepeyser) October 24, 2017

“Now that we have helped a stupid madman to power, we can criticize him and then quit our hard jobs we are bad at.” – Republican Senators

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 24, 2017

martin luther inaugurated 500 years of Posting, and with every new Post we honor his bravery pic.twitter.com/J8SnKl2U5L

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— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) October 29, 2017

the domino’s website has a button labeled “CHEESE ME UP!” i contend all websites should have this button

— Alex Perry (@Yelix) October 29, 2017

this is not normal
THIS IS NOT NORMAL pic.twitter.com/vxJnAIY5wL

— Big Doula Jeb Lund (@Mobute) October 29, 2017

If you are able to sit behind homeplate at a world series game you def are a vicious polluter / have blood on your hands

— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) October 26, 2017

i sleep well knowing that rory gilmore ended up being a loser

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) October 29, 2017

Interesting pic.twitter.com/3hCfusINyD

— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) October 30, 2017

hello mr police
hello mr baby
hello mr rag time gal pic.twitter.com/nQ5FAl9Poh

— Tweeter ?? (@davidqbyrne) October 28, 2017

i am teen pikachu pic.twitter.com/oF2ct8ODYO

— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) October 29, 2017

the world series? well, that’s the key to the whole deal. you win that, you won’t be watching the parade — you’ll be IN the parade

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) October 29, 2017

Doctor doctor
Gimmie the news
I’ve got an
Unworn pair
Of baby shoes

— spree overlord (@Boringstein) October 28, 2017

easy last-minute costume pic.twitter.com/xh4wuFlEkl

— libby watson ???? (@libbycwatson) October 29, 2017

WHAT. pic.twitter.com/FCHIqBo68n

— Weyermann (@highlikeplanes_) October 27, 2017

mister police…………….thanks for the good work you do

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— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) October 28, 2017

Imagine if you died and they made your obituary “the psychologist who believed in screaming” pic.twitter.com/FIRjIBRQNh

— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) October 28, 2017

women don’t like cargo shorts because they expose the tactical inferiority of purses

— ???? stronger thing ???? (@crushingbort) October 27, 2017

ElvishPresley/status/923921225155514368″>

Lee Harvey Oswald is trending on Twitter? oh boy, what did he do this time

— Evilsh Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) ElvishPresley/status/923921225155514368?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>October 27, 2017

whenever someone starts saying stuff to me pic.twitter.com/pdjIybPee6

— Sarah Wilson (@sarah_wilsun) October 26, 2017

I’m The Good Brain Boy pic.twitter.com/Oo9dlLWod7

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) October 25, 2017

What they don’t tell you is Jeanette is thirty-seven years old. pic.twitter.com/GSCcYIsEWX

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 23, 2017

What I’ve learned after watching a million and one TV pilots, a complete list:
being a comedian is hard
women cheat and/or get murdered.

— Caroline Framke (@carolineframke) October 23, 2017

I want to live in a world where all of the news is like this & is presented in this way. pic.twitter.com/8Wz2wNHQER

— Ben Kling (@benkling) October 23, 2017