Good morning everyone. As a quick recap, last week a raccoon climbed all the way to the top of a tall building and Elon Musk described himself as a socialist. Marx, however, was a capitalist, because he wrote a whole book about it, don’t you know. The greatest trick the devil ever played, et cetera. Meanwhile IHOP changed its name to IHOb, because they do burgers now, and a million other brands did bad Twitter jokes. Let’s see, also E3 happened and there’s gonna be a new Elder Scrolls but Waluigi will NOT be in the new Super Smash Bros. Overall mixed week! Pretty bad actually. Well, here they are, the tweets:
You: you shouldn’t drink more than one drink per hour. Me, wise: the division of time into measurable parts like hours was a necessary precondition of the development of wage labor. By drinking more than one drink in an hour, I am rejecting bourgeois society.
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. or add the zest to your pasta sauce. or squeeze the juice over fish and roast veges. no limit really to the things you can do with the humble lemon, a shit symbol for life’s hardships
Sad to see that my proposal to split California into Northern California, Southern California, and Second Italy didn’t make it onto the ballot this year. pic.twitter.com/gm6GWgedNj
I matched with a guy on Tinder who messaged me to say I was stupid for liking Frasier and two messages later I have convinced this man that I currently write for the show Frasier pic.twitter.com/xUmwI1DXrz
When they say “always be nice to assistants, they will be in charge someday” they forget to say “especially the ones who seem barely functional and maybe illiterate” because THEY are the ones who will run networks someday.
they should have just made the jurassic park dinosuars much smaller and more manageable. people would still pay a lot of money to see your park and you could have it in ohio or something
I did it you guys.. I made it all the way to the end of capitalism. Out here, Home Depot sells imitation reclaimed salvage wood and plays a video loop of the fictional men watching you on cameras to keep you from stealing pic.twitter.com/2CwnlDzCmz
— Steve Gaynor slams a Dew hell yeah (@fullbright) June 13, 2018
Wow.. I’m speechless at the moon and stars. They’re so beautiful I cannot even describe them. Just kidding mother fucker. They are white circles that glow. Easy to describe. Next.
whether we’re talking about the creative process, or getting as much of your urine as possible into an empty Burger King cup while driving down the freeway at 70 mph, my philosophy is the same: don’t let perfect be the enemy of good
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2018
ihob waitress: can i take your order
me: i would like some pancakes please
waitress: great choice, even though we recently had a marketing campaign to promote our burgers, we still make pancakes and we do a damn fine job. thanks for not being weird about it
Has anyone else noticed that Fox News says the opposite of things that they’ve said in the past depending on who is in office? Definitely something that is worth reminding people of for some reason
what the fuck are you gonna do with a flamethrower you freakin epic le bacon CEO of a startup ass favourite show is Entourage ass wearing sneakers with jeans to the office ass bitches
