Well folks. Another first week of July has come and gone. I guess the main thing I have to say about last week is that I saw the new Jurassic World and I think it’s pretty impressive how it took four mediocre-to-miserable sequels to finally arrive at the premise of a good sequel: the dinosaurs are just out and about in the real world, romping through the woods and flying past coastal highways and all that. Also, it’s nuts how cheap some of those dinosaurs went for at auction. I feel like they should have been worth much more! But what do I know, I’m just an assistant comedy editor specializing in weekly tweet lists. Speaking of which:
when it’s summer but you have depression pic.twitter.com/bmQUGqUBa4
— KT (@kxthleen) July 4, 2018
(NYT headquarters)
“I want reports on Alan Dershowitz’s social life!” pic.twitter.com/wtTgos9SFx— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 8, 2018
— Ass Bastard (@IainND) July 8, 2018
This keeps cracking me up, jeez pic.twitter.com/HqZR2OmdG2
— Ash Wilson (@ashxwilson) July 3, 2018
my best work pic.twitter.com/JIm3B8sFHS
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) July 7, 2018
was this……….jerry seinfeld’s first time meeting lesbians pic.twitter.com/kc2RhIJ9lp
— Kate Lindsay (@kathrynfiona) July 6, 2018
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
— guterman (@danguterman) July 6, 2018
I’ve had enough pic.twitter.com/ih7SUMLwJ2
— JacobxMcClain (@JacobxMcClain) July 4, 2018
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) July 6, 2018
A great moment in history, you know. 140 years ago today, Marx beat Engels to win the European championship of communist musical chairs. pic.twitter.com/3O0tNlzlY3
— Slavoj Tweezek (@SlavojTweezek) July 6, 2018
you: his name is Rube Goldberg
me: huh, that name rings a bell, which sets off a trap that undoes a buckle and releases a ball that rolls down a pipe and— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 5, 2018
I’m retiring from this joke structure to spend more time with checks notes this joke structure
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 5, 2018
When someone tells me they get up at six AM, I always silently think, “I’m being polite here, but of course we all know humans can’t do that.”
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) July 5, 2018
Twitter: We know it’s late, but check out this 92 year old woman who murdered her son. We’ve been waiting 7 hours to make sure you know about it pic.twitter.com/Ys2cjqEnEl
— josh ‘Letterman’ (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) July 5, 2018
This is your brain on The West Winghttps://t.co/dMoJBW8A2U
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) July 5, 2018
When people ask why I’m not really online that much, pic.twitter.com/aVuoJ2H3Tl
— Brendan James (@deep_beige) July 5, 2018
Bosnians : I wanna swim
Croatia : No pic.twitter.com/OxFDJgpKd0— A NorthEastern guy (@ohNoobDerp) July 4, 2018
If you guys saw fireworks then it means another 200 years of flawed attempts at letting the people govern in a way that is naturally corrupted by the interests of anyone making a career out of guiding the rules of the country they have been elected to represent.
— “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) July 5, 2018
Rust: Over-exposure to online discourse is a disease. This site was a mistake
Marty: What are you talking about now? All I do is shitpost and DM with the boys
Rust: You’re a Reply Guy, Marty, and you don’t even know it
Marty: Shut the fuck up Rust, those women are all mufos
— Connor Wroe Southard (@ConnorSouthard) July 5, 2018
happy 4th of July to everyone who finds themselves stuck at a bbq with a middle aged white guy who is “the most open-minded guy in the world but”
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 4, 2018
This is the worst tweet I have ever read in my entire life https://t.co/AMA3KzlCm0
— Richie Nakano (@linecook) July 3, 2018
I own the only private V22 Osprey pic.twitter.com/NxNrbtIYDz
— Conner O’Malley (@conner_omalley) July 4, 2018
Finally!! New Line is re-releasing THE MASK in theaters and they’re fixing the annoying green tint mistakenly left on Jim Carrey’s face in previous versions. pic.twitter.com/N4fofJbyKu
— Neil Cicierega (@neilcic) July 3, 2018
are you fucking kidding me pic.twitter.com/kLC3EBn8Om
— if dogs could talk they wouldn’t talk to cops (@D0GGEAUX) July 3, 2018
Holy shit pic.twitter.com/Mh900uIV03
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) July 4, 2018
A lot of you may not know this, but I was actually the one who wrote the alert for the Emergency Broadcast System. Here it is. They edited it a little bit for TV pic.twitter.com/69vGFUpJo2
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) July 3, 2018
a match made in hell pic.twitter.com/f1PrZT6er4
— Sophie Strauss (@sophielstrauss) July 3, 2018
jim’s craziest prank yet pic.twitter.com/2SsHvQYJj0
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 3, 2018
I use to be cynic. Then I see this. Now I am love, hope, future. pic.twitter.com/X4w7fUi7E8
— Ana Fabrega (@anafabregagood) July 3, 2018
damn it’s July 1st already….what’s next? July 2nd? I’m sick
— ELLISA (@ellisuhhh) July 1, 2018
[trying to pander to astrology people but just kinda grasping at straws] what can i say, I’m such a Crabiggo
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) July 2, 2018