The Funniest Tweets of the Week

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Terrible week, everyone. First Trump did an all-caps tweet threatening nuclear war with Iran, then Facebook stock tanked, then a YouTube comic crashed and burned at Just For Laughs, then the HBO original series Succession finally got good in the penultimate episode of the season. To make matters worse, I compiled all of these tweets before a Congressional candidate tweeted about how her opponent is apparently into Bigfoot porn, so it’s too late to scoop up all the hot new content currently spewing out of the content geysers. Sucks! Well, off we go, then:

Me after watching Nanette: Stand up is a limitless art form. It can be whatever you want
YouTube star: even me?
Me: Absolutely not
— Patrick Schroeder (@Schrotime) July 28, 2018

He saw what the world had to offer and turned his back on it pic.twitter.com/onqcLAY94Q
— Haru (@RelktntHero) July 29, 2018

when ur airbnb has a guestbook pic.twitter.com/GTzaacIUF8
— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) July 29, 2018

at no point during this video did i know what was about to happen next. https://t.co/85VA9MEYK6
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— Loofa Vandross. (@__theKZA) July 28, 2018

I once started crying during the Virgin America safety video because I was overwhelmed at how much heart and effort went into making it. The woman next to me caught me, so I made up a lie about leaving someone I loved behind. Had to keep up the lie most of the 3.5 hr flight.
— Tawny WestCoastTour Newsome (@TrondyNewman) July 29, 2018

Tom Cruise’s career is a testament to what you can get away with if you can run convincingly on camera. Like, truly haul ass
— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 29, 2018

i love music. music is my life. “greensleeves”? fuckin awesome song. the cover of greensleeves by barbara dane? slaps. coltrane’s version of greensleeves? moving. genius. jethro tull’s greensleeves? a singular moment in rock and roll history. jeff beck’s “greensleeves”?dont get m
— basil (@whagever) July 28, 2018

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CATERED BETSY DEVOS’S NIECE’S WEDDING AND HE TOLD ME THERE WERE ***RANCH DRESSING FOUNTAINS***
— John Early (@bejohnce) July 27, 2018

to this day i still get chills thinking about this scene pic.twitter.com/neac7CzZSi
— dom nero (@dominicknero) July 27, 2018

What if MICHAEL Cohen was LEONARD Cohen? I think it would go something like this:
It goes like this/ I plead the fifth
Etc etc. You get the point. This is my Daily Show packer.
— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) July 27, 2018

When you can definitely watch any channel you want pic.twitter.com/LlQFI8oW1p
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 26, 2018

hey starbucks can you explain? do you think this is a name? like do you think this is an actual human name that someone would bestow upon their child pic.twitter.com/g88vgTEwrm
— L?nc? (@cryptidnova) July 27, 2018

Me: I like the big dick energy meme and I plan to keep using it for some time.
Financial adviser: Ok, well in addition to that you should start putting $100 away every paycheck.
— Grace Thomas (@GraceGThomas) June 27, 2018
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Hi. This is my audition tape for “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” Please help me get cast! pic.twitter.com/dQkY8VRbUf
— Lily Sullivan (@LilyYily) July 22, 2018

i am so lucky to be alive at a breaking point in history where I can lampoon Hannah Gadsby in a character reel
— Peter Smith (@PTRSMTH) July 26, 2018

Stay thirsty my friends pic.twitter.com/4nIgMbnFsv
— Stefan BC (@Stefan_BC) July 20, 2018

problem solved pic.twitter.com/ZuDnl8Jxc2
— Joe McAdam (@joemcadam) July 25, 2018

Here is my acting reel from when I was an audience member on The Steve Harvey Show. pic.twitter.com/dJzcpuGOCZ
— Jack Bensinger (@JackBensinger) July 24, 2018

I’m at Hershey Park and the Ice Breakers Mints mascot keeps following me into the bathroom asking me if there will be room in heaven for someone as disgusting as him pic.twitter.com/kbOKlRhTj2
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) July 24, 2018

jj abrams: another good Cloverfield movie on par with 10 Cloverfield Lane… edoes that sound like something you’d want?
me: (crying) yes
jj abrams: well let me tell you you’re never gonna get it
— llewyn (@aIexgarland) July 24, 2018

The most worrying thing about this Sasha Baron Cohen show is that many of our leaders saw a man in an enormous rubber halloween mask and said “sure yah, I talk to this like it is a normal guy”
— Caroline Schaper (@carolimeschaper) July 24, 2018

me when the standup comedian starts talking about how men and women are different pic.twitter.com/BZcYaOkMc1
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) July 24, 2018

Running up on new boys pic.twitter.com/7fZ86CgasN
— Conner O’Malley (@conner_omalley) July 24, 2018

new york and los angeles…..what can i say. america’s two largest cities. outstanding
— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) July 24, 2018

lmfao pic.twitter.com/nlsRycWX2f
— nicktopath traveler (@JucheMane) July 23, 2018

People forget what a large cultural impact this Mad Men quote had. Bumper stickers, office break rooms, the State of the Union address — EVERYBODY was saying it. pic.twitter.com/DPCk9J6PYD
— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) July 23, 2018

I’m not sure about this new Twitter slogan pic.twitter.com/2ukYTj26U1
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) July 23, 2018

If you do NOT suffer from depression then please STOP telling who do to exercise … Exercise will NOT cure a chemical imbalance in the brain; the ONLY thing that can do that is stealing large sums of money from federally insured banking centers
— Christin Bailey (@hexprax) July 20, 2018

Actually? A missing yacht isn’t funny for some of us, the people currently trapped on Betsy Devos’ untethered yacht.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 27, 2018

when i finally get my hands on a bunch of lizards you’ll all see just how wrong you were about me
— LUCY (@LUCYANARANDALL) July 27, 2018