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Titanic (1997)
Well, nothing gets by this guy. Honestly, it could be worse … At least he knew it was going to happen. But was the actual sinking of the ship not compelling enough for you? The sequence where Rose went to rescue Jack from the submerged cabin is chilling for its silence alone, where all the audience hears is the lapping of water on the walls. Sure, Titanic is a little long, but it's a sweeping epic of sorts that pairs all the best parts of James Cameron with all the cheesy parts of James Cameron. And what's not to love about that? Besides, who doesn't enjoy a good debate on whether Jack could've fit on the door with Rose? He totally could, by the way. She broke his frozen hands and our hearts in the same motion.
12 of 20
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Forrest Gump (1994)
Who hurt you? Forrest Gump is arguably the most "American classic" in this grouping of films, and is widely regarded as, well, just delightful. Sure, it messes with history and really manipulates the heart strings in a ton of ways. But retarded? Is that necessary? For starters, it's Tom Hanks, America's true sweetheart (sorry, Julia Roberts), completely losing himself in a great character. It's a pretty simple film, but incredibly heartwarming. And when we realize why he's been sitting on that bench this whole time, trying to go see Jen-nay, only to find that he's a father? Man … we defy you to not to weep. His realization that he's a father, coupled with the confirmation that he understands his disability is a one-two gut-punch. "Is he smart? Or is he … " Okay, who's cutting onions?
13 of 20
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Schindler's List (1993)
This one really hurts. Can we dumb down the atrocities and horrors of one of the darkest eras for humanity so that children can see it? In fact, can we make it animated? Actually … Maybe not a terrible idea, but not for the reasons listed here.
14 of 20
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Silence of the Lambs (1991)
It's funny to think that in a horror film about the psyche of serial killer/cannibal, the most horrific thing to this guy is the idea of a woman as an FBI agent. Also, take a look at when the esteemed gentleman posted this review. Yeah, June 2016.
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Driving Miss Daisy (1989)
So, this is a good review? Again, the internet is tough to operate some times.
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Rain Man (1988)
This. This is just golden. This is the reason to come to Amazon for your one-star reviews of great movies. First off, the dude watched Rain Man on TV and liked it so much that he wanted to see it again. He bought the Special Edition and was shocked, appalled and flabbergasted to find that this R-rated film was filled with "gutter language," and then blames it on the Special Edition of the DVD that he bought, as if editing for TV wasn't a thing. So simple and so great.
17 of 20
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Gandhi (1982)
Kids these days, amirite? They want nothing but explosions, fast cars and "bloody ninja sword fights." In fact, this person has a point. Can we take all of these historical period pieces and just put in a reel of bloody ninja sword fights? Then we can really see how Gandhi led his peaceful revolution: ninjas and the Iron Gauntlet of Fear.
18 of 20
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Annie Hall (1977)
He certainly has his reasons, and many of them at that. Annie Hall is probably the quintessential Woody Allen film, and is really experimental in the way it tells the story of Alvy Singer. So it's kind of funny that this is true introduction to Allen's filmography, outside of Antz. He lists all of his problems that he had with the film, basically saying that he probably wouldn't enjoy anything, which is all very fine. He's certainly more than entitled, and he certainly knows this. But he ends his review by saying, "Boo." And that, we simply cannot forgive.
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Rocky (1976)
"Trying." Rocky is vital and made Stallone a star. Sure, he looks part-man, part-machine these days, but this was pure unadulterated Sly, at the peak of his game. He then turned a little Best Picture film into a badass American saga. There is no "trying" here, only carving an American classic right before your more than likely Communist eyes.
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The Godfather (1972)
Well, no … But what if Pure Flix remade The Godfather into an uplifting drama where a student's peers and professors berate him for believing in the Godfather? And then at the end, in a beam of beam of white light, Vito Corleone appears, coming to change the hearts and save the souls of the non-believers. Can we mo-cap Marlon Brando into the remake?