If you’ve followed the primaries at all, you probably know the name Craig Mazin by now. He’s a screenwriter who wrote the second and third Hangover movies, and third and fourth installments of the Scary Movie franchise. He’s done well for himself. He has a Wikipedia page. More importantly, for our purposes, he spent his undergraduate career at Princeton University, where he was freshman roommates with one Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz. The same Ted Cruz who is now seeking the Republican nomination for president, and who may actually get it once the GOP convention shenanigans are complete.
There’s an unspoken rule that former classmates and roommates and general acquaintances of prominent political candidates refrain from fire-bombing them in public, but Mazin has fire-bombed this rule, and then gone on to fire-bomb Cruz himself. His chosen venue is Twitter, and his exploits to date are legendary. Catch up here, if you’ve missed out, or get the general flavor from this tweet:
My freshman year college roommate Ted Cruz is going to be elected Senator. In case I hadn't made it clear, he's also a huge asshole.
The tone: Combative. The truths: Hard.
But as funny as Mazin has been, nothing compared to a pair of tweets he sent out earlier today, after someone made him aware of the time in 2004 when Ted Cruz’s office supported a Texas state-wide ban on dildos by arguing that “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.”
I want you to bunker down and prepare yourselves for Mazin’s response. I’ll start with the tamer of the two scorchers, so you don’t die of third-degree burns:
Ted Cruz did not have a dildo stashed under his pillow. Ted Cruz slept on top of his pillow.
Okay. Okay. Pretty sick, pretty ruthless, but it’s basically just a funny way to call Cruz an asshole again. For Mazin, apparently, not personal enough. Which is why he sent out this follow-up, from which America is still feeling the after-shock:
Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.
It’s the perfect tweet. I can add nothing. I’m just amazed that Ted Cruz is still in the race, and hasn’t had facial reconstructive surgery and fled to his Canadian homeland, where at least people are nice.