Like so many others, I was a huge fan of the now-defunct blog The Toast. If art history jokes and intersectional feminism are your jam, visiting The Toast was a highlight of your day. One of their funniest recurring features was their Teenage Dirtbag series, in which literary characters and luminaries of the Western Canon were depicted as juvenile delinquents— cruising on skateboards, smoking behind the high school gym, mouthing off to authority figures. You get the idea. (Dirtbag Karl Marx will be forever honored for introducing the phrase “more like crapitalism” to the contemporary lexicon.)
The Teenage Dirtbag series never plumbed the sports world for inspiration. Which is a shame, because Mario Balotelli offers so much rich source material. To wit: here’s Balotelli riding an electric skateboard along the French Riviera.
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It’s just too perfect. This is so precisely on-brand for Balotelli that you’d almost think it was staged for PR purposes, until you remember that he couldn’t sit still long enough to put together any kind of brand strategy. Nevertheless, this is the platonic ideal of a Mario Balotelli. If you could grow #bantz in a lab, give it sentience and some decent hold-up play, you would have Mario Balotelli.
This man is a treasure and we must protect him at all costs.