The Betty Bump: Five Ways to Improve the World With More Betty White

TV Features Betty White
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Betty White’s recent turn as the host of Saturday Night Live brought the sketch-comedy show the best ratings it’s seen since the 2008 elections, leading CNN to muse that the unlikely internet darling might be “the new Neil Patrick Harris.” Indeed, a Facebook campaign is already afoot to promote the 88-year-old as a potential host for the Oscars. That got us thinking—what are some other things that could benefit from the Betty Bump?

Major League Baseball – Many would argue that soccer long ago usurped baseball as America’s real national pastime, and without the gladiatorial brutality of football’s tackles, the MLB has become a rather quaint spectator sport. It’s a fine game, no doubt, but it’s not where you turn to see the conflict that makes any battle of brain or brawn worth tuning in for. Toss White in a catcher’s mask and have the spunky octogenarian taunt the opposing team’s batter, and we’re pretty sure she could incite a brawl to rival hockey’s punch-ups.

Celebrity Rehab – Forget all Dr. Drew’s sympathy and ego-coddling on this season of VH1’s C-list recovery show. Let White take the reigns, and she’ll have Dennis Rodman and the rest of the cast so busy running to get her coffee, they won’t even have time to use whatever substances got them on the show in the first place. And if any of Rehab’s celebrities forget who the real national treasure amongst them is, White can call in attack dog Sandra Bullock to set them straight.

Chillwave – If a genre is going to insist on being so nostalgic for the ‘80s, it might as well contain one artist who can actually remember the decade. Reunited with the only other surviving star of The Golden Girls, Rue McClanahan, White forms “glo-fi” duo The Neon Girl Tapes and writes bizarre, rambling songs about St. Olaf, Minnesota, the hometown of her Golden Girls character, Rose Nylund. The seniors pack out Stubb’s at 2011’s SXSW.

The Supreme Court – Kagan shmagan. Sure, Obama’s recently-tapped nominee to replace Justice John Paul Stevens in the highest court in the land was, like, the Dean of Harvard Law and all. However! Solicitor General Elena Kagan has never been a judge, and if she’s qualified to sit on the bench, we think White’s life experience and the inborn lie detector all grandmotherly figures develop make her a serious contender. Imagine the profusion of Law & Order-style mid-testimony break-downs under her stern glare and the entertainment value of Court opinions written by an actress with a penchant for colorful word choices.

Road Trips – After firing off the wittiest “kids these days” diatribe you’ve ever heard, a’la her commentary about Facebook during her opening monologue for SNL (below), you could pick White’s brain about living through a World War, what it was like to work with Mary Tyler Moore and how it feels to subvert the sweet old lady cliche for a raunchy, hilarious persona that keeps her relevant more than 70 years after she entered show business. Gal surely has some stories to tell.

Extra Credit: PasteMagazine.comLook, it worked!