With the long-awaited season five premier of FX’s vulgarity-soaked laugh-fest, Archer, at hand (tonight!), what better way to whet the anticipation of both fan and neophyte alike than with some of the best quotes from the show’s superbly voiced characters. So, now that you’ve filled out your H.R. paperwork, met the boss (sorry about that), and met most of your other co-workers (um, yeah, sorry about that, too), including one of our best agents. I suppose there’s no way to avoid it—it’s time to meet the world’s most dangerous spy (codenamed “Duchess”): Sterling Malory Archer.
Yes, extremely dangerous … when he’s not actively jeopardizing his missions with his near-constant drinking, womanizing and purposeful irritating of Lana. Welcome to one of the greatest characters in TV history.
20. “If I stop drinking all at once, I’m afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.”
If hangovers actually worked that way, he would indeed have a very legitimate concern.
19. “Hey, proposition: first person to untie me—guy or gal—I will let him or her give me a handy. Come on, let’s share the milk of human kindness!”
In case it hasn’t been stated enough, it’s really, really difficult to make Archer take his missions and perilous circumstances seriously.
18. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter on how to introduce your mother to a hooker.”
Not that Archer’s big on etiquette in general, but standing on ceremony around his overbearing, judgmental mother is bound to crank up the ire, regardless.
17. “He’s not coming back from that. That chick was, like, the Pele of anal.”
Other things he’s not big on: Comforting emotionally fragile people. Yes, especially Lana.
16. “I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck, but I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The … tactleneck.”
He will actually abandon the mission in order to acquire the turtleneck if he feels his attire isn’t cool enough. Lana should think about keeping one with their gear at all times.
15. “Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island.”
Honestly, that’s what any given island becomes where Archer visits.
14. “Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers’ Discount Warehouse and said, ‘Help me showcase my intellect.’”
Archer gets indignant if he feels censored over staring at Lana’s… attributes.
13. “Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse. Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?”
There could probably be an entire list showcasing Archer’s malicious comments and punishment of his poor, elderly butler, Woodhouse. Smack addiction aside, we at least eventually learn Woodhouse is not as helpless as he appears.
12. “Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.”
Impossible to know if he’s implying karate stole some other martial art’s best moves, or is just wildly overrated. But the man has standards in both his comedy and his deadly hand-to-hand combat.
11. “I’ve waited my entire life to say this exact phrase: ‘I’m commandeering this airboat!’”
It was probably the most exciting thing he’d ever gotten to do, at least until he met Burt Reynolds in person.