There’s no denying that feminism is in and the patriarchy is crushed! The future is female and the past is pantsuits (for men)! It’s never been more clear that we must all be feminists and those who aren’t have a special place in hell with other women who aren’t feminists and who are war criminals. Those are the hard and fast rules of this brand new social movement.
Yes, we took a huge blow with Hill-Dogg not winning but part of being a woman is understanding crushing defeat and becoming one with nature. Now we’re “Out Of The Woods” (Taylor Swift, 1989) and stronger than ever, and Hillary will run again and she will win. And if she can’t run then we’re all backing Chelsea (Clinton or Handler, am I right?!) or the reanimated corpse of Eleanor Roosevelt. That’s what feminism is: supporting your sisters, no questions asked.
And how do we support them? By buying into corporate feminism and wearing items that are feminist. How can an item be feminist? Uhm, remember when I said that feminist has a “no questions asked” policy. Please respect that, stop mansplaining to me, and ask me no questions.
Here is the essential list of what you must have to be a feminist and a few things to do while you’re on your liberated shopping spree. Remember, feminism is a look and if you can get the right lighting, take a pic, kween!
”THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE” T-SHIRT: Rock this tee and don’t bother to do the research into how it was made or if the profits go to any charitable organization. Know that by wearing this shirt, people will not be able to question you. If people do, let them know that the pillar of feminism is never questioning anyone’s motives and also celebrating what everyone wears. Fight them on this.
DON’T bother trying to figure out who your local representatives are. Politics are the biggest bummer. Remember the election last year? Blegh! Let’s leave all that behind, please.
”SHE PERSISTED” NECKLACE: This is an ancient Yoruba saying passed down over many generations. By wearing it you’re respecting a culture that isn’t yours and letting people know you tried!
AVOID engaging critically with women whose perspectives differ from your own. Womanhood is monolithic and able to be summed up nicely by a Girls Humor parody twitter account. Respect that or get out of the girl’s club.
“THE FUTURE IS FEMALE” HAT: Uhm, if the future is female, then can we learn to freaking time travel? Ha! Lucky for you, baseball caps are in now, so give every man a taste of what they’re in for in the next few years: women domination and male eradication. That’s what the slogan stands for and was first said by Elle Fanning in utero! We love! Slay!
RESIST learning about women’s movements that came before us. If the future is truly female, which it is kween, then there’s no point in looking behind us. The past is full of regrettable haircuts and embarrassing fashion risks. Uhm, hard pass on revisiting that!
THINX UNDERPANTS: It’s important to understand that any day you aren’t wearing Thinx you are actively hating women and their bodies. Don’t bother inquiring about recent claims of the company’s sexual harassment and trans-exclusionary policies. Research is boring but capitalism’s new interest in marketing feminism is rad AF!
INDULGE in self-care. Buy a bath bomb and explode patriarchal standards that say you shouldn’t take a bath. (They are saying that, right?) Self-care to the point of encroaching on other’s well being. Never leave the bath. Cause it to overflow into your downstairs neighbors apartment, ruining their ceilings, forcing them to move out. They don’t like it? Tough shit. All this water is just the new wave of feminism baby.
“NASTY” TOTE BAG: No accessory is more quintessential to womanhood than a tote! It’s the common thread that links all of our tampons together. Let everyone know who you voted for with this trendy bag and if you’re a white woman, wear it as a way to say, “I’m one of the good ones!” As long as you voted for Hillary, your feminism is untouchable. Never forget that.
Of course, there are a million more items you can buy to let everyone know that your brand is feminism. Maybe even one day, you’ll market something off the back of a political movement meant to undermine a capitalist system and become a squillionaire. That’s what’s so thrilling about being a feminist: all the money.
And if you fill your closet to the brim with all of these must-have items, you might just make a crack in that pesky glass ceiling.
Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a New York-based writer and comedian. Follow her on Twitter.