We need to talk about this Peloton ad. While the internet can sometimes be a tacky hellscape, it can also do a great job assuring us that we are not alone. Much like finding out every woman in my generation had the same vague, too-young-to-understand horniess for the fox in Disney’s Robin Hood, this week Twitter taught me that I wasn’t the only one weirded out by the ever-terrified Peloton ad wife. Now look, she probably asked for that bike (because WHAT HUSBAND WOULD DO THAT UNPROMPTED?) but why is she so goddamned scared to… ride a bike? How does an already fit woman becoming slightly fitter qualify as a life-changing milestone? Congrats on finally having the ability to quit your real job to be a fitness influencer, but keep the over-the-top confessionals to Instagram. That doesn’t need to be played on a big TV in the desperate hope of securing the unnecessary approval of your so-so husband, a Xander if I ever saw one.
Anyway, here’s this week’s funniest tweets including a much more accurate rendition of the bougie bike ad.
when my husband gets me a Peleton for Christmas …….. pic.twitter.com/Z2d3ewMhPu
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) December 2, 2019
About Queen & Slim.
I just need to be on the record for this.
But, if it’s our first Tinder date, and you shoot a cop.
Girl, I’m sorry but. pic.twitter.com/zysSaXbGsx
— kyle a.b. (@kyalbr) November 30, 2019
Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he gives a description of his wife’s killer
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 6, 2019
my bladder to me 1 hour before my alarm is about to go off
— Will Miles (@MrWillMiles) October 11, 2019
Pete Buttigieg is the mayor of a college town and he’s running for President. The hell is he gonna do if he wins, jump start the economy by opening two Pita Pits and an open mic night?
— karmelo ianthony (@IanKarmel) November 30, 2019
cats can have a little salami if they are a pell grant recipient who started a business that has turned profit for 4 years
— mira (@leftistbooty) December 1, 2019
“high school sweethearts?” u mean u took each other’s virginity and stupidly went to the same college together so now u feel stuck and ur so terrified of change that you’ll never break up even though the love has been gone for years
— logan (@brainwxrms) November 30, 2019
My boyfriend would make an awesome spy no one ever remembers him
— Myka Fox ?? (@MykaFox) December 2, 2019
Just went on a third date so real quick gonna jot down my pros and cons for this guy
Pro:
-Jewish
-Harvard law grad
-kindCon:
-thinks Adam driver is a bad actor
-what the fuck
-Adam driver was a marine
-and then he went to Juilliard
-literally how dare you
-what the fuck again— Lizzie Logan (@lizzzzzielogan) December 3, 2019
Cried during the Mr. Rogers movie in a way that can only be described as “probably about something else”
— Laura Peek (@LauraKPeek) November 30, 2019
The only comment I have on that Peloton ad is that there’s no way that child is vaccinated
— Rachel McCarthy James (@rmccarthyjames) December 2, 2019
“Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?” pic.twitter.com/srxTtbGNN2
— Kevin T. Porter (@KevinTPorter) December 3, 2019
SCROOGE: You there, boy, what day is it?
BOY: I dunno, the day you remember I’m not your calendar bitch?
SCROOGE: That’s… honestly it feels like it would have been easier to just tell me.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 2, 2019
Abortion https://t.co/2BUmPL7MbK
— Danielle Perez (@DivaDelux) December 2, 2019
My heart goes out to Kamala. So relatable to think you’re going to be more successful than you are after appearing onstage at UCB
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 3, 2019
Lookin for a guy who treats me like a Disney princess (a virgin who talks to animals)
— ZNT (@ZachNoeTowers) December 4, 2019
Me in the shower: I have to leave this pre-conditioning moss and fig hair mask in for 15 minutes, which is perfect because I can simulataneously do my pink Himalayan salt foot soak!
Boyfriend in the shower: nice, this face wash is also dog shampoo
— Carmen Lagala (@CarmenLagala) December 3, 2019
It’s really easy for me to eat healthy unless I feel bad for literally any reason
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) December 4, 2019
The scene in RICHARD JEWELL when Olivia Wilde’s character says “Mwahaha your pain feeds me and my beautiful headlines!!!” is a bit much
— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) December 4, 2019
men are perfect, to me. no notes! pic.twitter.com/eJHYigvkFu
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) December 4, 2019