This was a good week for tweets, and a bad week for literally everything else. That’s not a surprise, of course—it’s just what life is like in 2020, the year so nice we’ve let the first wave of a deadly pandemic spike twice.
This week saw continued revelations of systemic sexual misconduct in basically every industry. It saw Trump’s first pandemic-era rally—a truly insane gambit by a man who should’ve been yanked out of office before he even ever got there—ruined by K-pop fans. It saw COVID continue to explode across the country, in the wake of everybody apparently deciding to just stop giving a shit about it. It also saw Chuck E. Cheese declare bankruptcy. It was a week full of stuff to tweet about, and these tweeters below certainly did that. Here are the best and funniest of those tweets, unfortunately with only one deep dive reference to WKRP in Cincinnati this week.
Difficult question: Is Nancy Cartwright Scientology’s best rapper?
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 20, 2020
“Tom Petty’s ‘Refugee’ would not have been a hit without the subtle addition of Jim Keltner’s samba shaker.”
Alex Trebek: “That’s great, Jeff, but we were hoping for an interesting fact about yourself.”
— Jeff (@usedwigs) June 20, 2020
They say there’s no rules in a Roast Battle but I bet if you brought up Jeff Ross allegedly fucking a 15 year old there would suddenly be some guidelines
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) June 20, 2020
strolling through the autonomous zone
FRASIER (reading graffiti): acab?
NILES: a cabernet sounds lovely
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) June 17, 2020
Miscellaneous mediocre white headlining comics my entire career closing their sets https://t.co/QiDdcy32VX
— Ramon Rivas II (@BlazerRamon) June 21, 2020
Idly pushing the button on my remote that makes everyone on my TV speak in Joe Pesci’s Chicago accent from Casino.
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 21, 2020
What’s happening right now is someone who is about to be fired is currently explaining to Trump what Kpop is
— Ed Solomon (@ed_solomon) June 21, 2020
“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.” pic.twitter.com/VrNY0oAhxD
— Kirk Rudell (@krudell) June 21, 2020
to be clear: i love EVERYTHING about this pic.twitter.com/5qiLtEOksq
— David Mack (@davidmackau) June 21, 2020
This is what Bolton choose for the opening quotation of his book, it looks like a fuckin pixelated boat joke pic.twitter.com/VcEcixmoTa
— jon benét rammstein (@dubsteppenwolf) June 21, 2020
A lot of comedians are exceptionally shitty to women, but deep down, they really want to be exceptionally shitty to women and in a band.
— Dana Gould (@danagould) June 21, 2020
Some guy just saw me parking and said “damn fine driving.” The perfect Father’s Day exchange.
— Vince Mancini (@VinceMancini) June 21, 2020
most beatles lyrics are better if you imagine an incredulous john cleese saying them.
yellow matter custard? [raises voice an octave] dripping from a dead dog’s eye?!
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) June 21, 2020
SVU is just gonna do a whole season on stand-up comedy
— Clark “Clark Jones” Jones (@theeclarkjones) June 21, 2020
i need an explanation #DisneyPluspic.twitter.com/fOsramdtOk
— James III (@James3rdComedy) June 22, 2020
Sometimes I wish we knew what happened in Germany in the 1940’s but they tore down all the statues so it is impossible.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) June 22, 2020
I love doing yoga in a 1970s science fiction movie where having babies is illegal and the phone company is the government https://t.co/ANmucO7Dsp
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) June 22, 2020
Phase 6 of the reopen will allow groups of 50 or more to cough directly in your mouth
— Joshua Turek (@JoshuaTurek) June 22, 2020
comedian going to bat for joey diaz has a 53% chance of having a facebook avatar that’s a flyer for his show in dorchester called “Seriously Funny Productions Presents Laugh Til You Shit Tuesdays At Mulrooney’s” and there’s clip art of a leprechaun doubled over
— Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso) June 22, 2020
Do you miss standup or do you just miss smoking on the patio when a female comic is onstage
— Sari Beliak (@thecrassceiling) June 23, 2020
why would they call it a grapefruit. there already is a grape fruit. it’s called a grape. someone messed up here
— thomas (@thombodytolove) June 23, 2020
https://t.co/Gz5ml5UXrQpic.twitter.com/iudSBimAte
— griftpilled_shop (@GRIFTSH0P) June 23, 2020
I guess I’m not that worried about men being “cancelled” for sexual assault accusations bc most men who are accused of sexual assault are still allowed to perform, it’s not an insurmountable obstacle like being a woman over 40
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) June 24, 2020
less shows about police officers, more shows about two brothers who run an airline out of airport in nantucket
— pilot (@pilotviruet) June 24, 2020
oh no cancel culture is killing my toxic community
— ziwe (@ziwe) June 23, 2020
If you were wondering, yes, male comics who are always ‘on’ maintain that shit in bed.
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) June 24, 2020
This year fans have the unique opportunity to watch the Kentucky Derby from the infield and the Preakness from their hospital bed!
— Mark (@ShamIAmNot) June 25, 2020
Yeah Beyonce has over 60 hits, but they’re all different songs. Everclear made 3 hits out of 1 song
— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) June 25, 2020
What a graphic pic.twitter.com/PGbdPkIAnb
— Cooper Lund (@cooperlund) June 25, 2020
the King of Staten Island and the King of Queens are currently locked in a vicious battle for key strategic land in Brooklyn pic.twitter.com/n20Umwr8lB
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) June 25, 2020
Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. Everything is visibly dirty and our mascot is a rat, eat some pizza near a sneezing child.
Come on down for some rat pizza at our child casino.
— dan johnson (@danevanjohnson) June 25, 2020
You mean there’s a chance pic.twitter.com/CkwAzFQMMM
— K. Thor Jensen (@kthorjensen) June 26, 2020
Much like cicadas, every 17 years conservatives emerge from the soil to get mad about Natalie Maines
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) June 26, 2020
the next year or so of comedy podcasting will consist chiefly of the world’s most confident and least informed people sitting at their computers trying to solve a pandemic and their friend’s sex crimes
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) June 26, 2020
The word “muse” was invented to not pay women for ideas right?
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) June 25, 2020
I’ve watched this video 300 times this week and it’s the only thing I’ve laughed at in a while. pic.twitter.com/SDNWB2tofi
— Matt Raub (@mattraub) June 25, 2020