Sorry in advance for such a heartbreaking preamble, but it’s weird being in comedy at such a dire, tragic time. People (particularly those on Twitter) malign thoughts and prayers, but at times it seems like it’s all we have. Thoughts, prayers, money, and jokes. Hug your loved ones, kiss your consenting friends, and send actual help to the victims of last weekend’s horrible act of terrorism.
Now, here are some spooOOooOOooky Tweets to get you in the mood for Halloween. I recently got into the Hellraiser series while recovering from the flu and all I can think about is attaining pleasure on a higher plane; I’m tired of this place.
My man posted me on his page now I’m camped out in the comments looking for the key terms “wow” and “lol” to see Who want smoke
— Vibranium Vagina (@ms_octoburrr) October 26, 2018
calling up SEAL Team 6 to eliminate the Grinch in his compound
— Tudley (@Thoirdealbhaigh) October 22, 2018
Pretty sure the person who made this advertisement does not know what parenting is and they might not even know what human beings are pic.twitter.com/9aJx48T2Xd
— Sam Harter (@SlamHarter) October 25, 2018
— IFECHUGHOULDE (@IfyNwadiwe) October 24, 2018
CALL ME BACK .. pic.twitter.com/sWkfNkQMxi
— REPENT (@BENNYREVIVAL) October 29, 2018
Wanna feel old? Black Panther came out eight months ago.
“That doesn’t really make me feel old at all.”
Look I’m just making small talk
— Wax Lips Nagurney (@enagurney) October 23, 2018
Continuing my streak of not trusting anybody with a Punisher logo anywhere on their person
— Crypt Kindread (@itskindred) October 24, 2018
why is the Sherwin Williams logo so threatening pic.twitter.com/87lmNsqrX7
— pepsi tom (@VR0NLINE) October 27, 2018
U ever had a girl givin u head n u look her in the eyes n just see straight pain that shit really shake u up
— Spic Kingg (@gangerodelicado) October 25, 2018
Had to do it to em pic.twitter.com/IRo28HFy2T
— LushPox (@LuxePosh) October 28, 2018
I honestly feel like this nigga could beat the fuck out of all our favorite superheroes pic.twitter.com/5L2Tt6Daoq
— Zachary Fox (@zackfox) October 27, 2018
I hate when the guy unveiling King Kong to the people of New York gives some stupid preamble about the primacy of man. Just show us the giant monkey you dipshit
— Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) October 28, 2018
Every girl chooses her Halloween costume based off one piece of clothing she really wants to wear (colonial-themed bra, gingham slip she wears to bed but wants to wear in public)…find which piece of clothing it is, compliment her on it and she is urs
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) October 26, 2018
I want Lebron James to run full speed into my body while trying to save the ball
— Killmongress (@septembawest) October 27, 2018
— NeenWeen (@neenweenbean) October 26, 2018
Brother: Whatever happened to that boyfriend?
Me: Here is a list of evidence and court documents and the phone numbers of five witnesses— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) October 24, 2018
Still one of the most terrifying moments of Twin Peaks: The Return pic.twitter.com/5c8v3a66tm
— Eric Allen Hatch (@ericallenhatch) October 29, 2018
“If I was a slave, I would’ve ran. I would’ve led the revolution”-A nigga that hides his phone when his manager walk past
— HotBoy! (@TheJayBurns) October 28, 2018
you’re next
— Veggietales Facts (@Veggiefact) October 29, 2018
Like 4 years ago I was at black lives matter rally at the capitol and this white dude got up and just recited the boondocks theme song as a spoken word poem and I still don’t know if he was trolling or not
— xxx staring vin diseal (@JTsmelly) October 28, 2018