We’re back with another collection of the best Tweets and quips from the last week. You’ll notice we always make a point of embedding these Tweets instead of putting up screenshots. While that puts us at risk for having a blank space if someone deletes a joke, it makes it exponentially easier for you as the reader to follow all these amazing comedians and writers. Don’t be a stingy follower, y’all. It’s silly to miss out on the daily thoughts of incredible writers just because you want a low followers/following ratio. Rise above these shallow concerns. Add these brilliant people to your life. Also, add an egg when you make cheap ramen. You’ll see a dramatic improvement in the quality of your life. Let’s get to giggling.
In honor of the straight pride parade, I’d also like to suggest a civilians-only Veterans Day parade and an alternative Halloween where children take their parents to an office park to go door to door inquiring about part time accounting work.
— Jean Creamery (@kylekinane) June 9, 2019
A tattoo on my dick that says “I’m me” when soft and “I’m not the one who’s so far away when I feel the snake bite enter my veins never did I want to be here again and I don’t remember why I came” when hard
— ???Hot Leather??? BRAIN POISON JULY 12 (@kornfan420) June 14, 2019
im dating someone who asks me when my 17 year old sister turns 18 every single time we hang out. i deserve better. this guy clearly has a hard time remembering birthdays, and i don’t wanna be disappointed on mine.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) June 12, 2019
i wonder if my high school english teacher who told me i should be a writer is proud that my primary source of income is writing about wanting to get plowed by middle aged actresses
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) June 10, 2019
oh my god pic.twitter.com/Ctez4k3JWU
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 12, 2019
I love that “coming out” for straight white people is believing something stupid.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) June 13, 2019
Damn just had a million dollar idea — TOY STORY but it’s a bunch of vibrators belonging to a woman in her 30s and all the vibrators sit around all day chatting and smoking and trying to figure out how to get this bitch on Ok Cupid
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) June 13, 2019
I tweet for niggas who put back that pack of $7.97 chicken cuz you seen one that was $6.63
— NoDaysOff (@Panola_Jones) June 12, 2019
Amanda Knox is returning to Italy for closure. I go out of my way to avoid my local deli because six years ago I replied with “you too” after the cashier said thank you.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) June 13, 2019
Eat pussy with a headband on so she knows it’s about to be business
— yusef roach (@yusefroach) June 14, 2019
My generation’s “seeing the Beatles on Ed Sullivan” is “hearing Particle Man on Tiny Toons”
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) June 13, 2019
you know what will never get old
jessica biel’s kids
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) June 13, 2019
Having depression feels like standing in a pool. Sometimes the water is just below your chin, sometimes you’re completely submerged, and sometimes you wake up like, “HEY THEY DRAINED THE POOL TODAY LET’S SKATEBOARD!!”
— Taylor Tomlinson (@taylortomlinson) June 13, 2019
lights cigarette you think I’ve never cancelled a fav before? takes deep drag I was cancelling favs slow, hissing exhale while you were sucking your mom’s tiddies long stare through smoke
— Lauren Lavín (@YasBruja) June 11, 2019
1. Omg
2. Lemme at that baby. https://t.co/Sw03cowuGL— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) June 12, 2019
my dad used to get so mad every time my mom would come home w a new coffee mug (she likes to collect them) and her new bf literally built her a wall to display her collection. this is why we don’t settle for loser boys, ladies!!!!! pic.twitter.com/BZQmfcVHuC
— Ana Stanowick (@AnaStanowick_) June 13, 2019
You may think your job is soul-deadeneding, but there’s someone out there who is going to have to give Sarah Huckabee Sanders a book deal
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 13, 2019
The last two dolls at my yard sale. Sorry they reek, it rained last night. pic.twitter.com/SkjtZ2UpLQ
— Paula Pell (@perlapell) June 13, 2019
I microdose peach cobbler 24 hours a day
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) June 13, 2019
billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of
— not a chill girl (@notchillgirl) June 12, 2019
how do I set up my bank account to autopay elizabeth warren $5 every time biden yells at a woman he just licked or whatever
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) June 12, 2019
Therapist: So do you have any hobbies?
Me: Comedy!
Therapist: That’s your job.
Me: Oh….therapy?
Therapist: That’s my job.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) June 13, 2019