The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by John-Michael Bond
We’re back with another collection of the best Tweets and quips from the last week. You’ll notice we always make a point of embedding these Tweets instead of putting up screenshots. While that puts us at risk for having a blank space if someone deletes a joke, it makes it exponentially easier for you as the reader to follow all these amazing comedians and writers. Don’t be a stingy follower, y’all. It’s silly to miss out on the daily thoughts of incredible writers just because you want a low followers/following ratio. Rise above these shallow concerns. Add these brilliant people to your life. Also, add an egg when you make cheap ramen. You’ll see a dramatic improvement in the quality of your life. Let’s get to giggling.
In honor of the straight pride parade, I’d also like to suggest a civilians-only Veterans Day parade and an alternative Halloween where children take their parents to an office park to go door to door inquiring about part time accounting work.
— Jean Creamery (@kylekinane) June 9, 2019
A tattoo on my dick that says “I’m me” when soft and “I’m not the one who’s so far away when I feel the snake bite enter my veins never did I want to be here again and I don’t remember why I came” when hard
— ???Hot Leather??? BRAIN POISON JULY 12 (@kornfan420) June 14, 2019
im dating someone who asks me when my 17 year old sister turns 18 every single time we hang out. i deserve better. this guy clearly has a hard time remembering birthdays, and i don’t wanna be disappointed on mine.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) June 12, 2019
i wonder if my high school english teacher who told me i should be a writer is proud that my primary source of income is writing about wanting to get plowed by middle aged actresses
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) June 10, 2019
oh my god pic.twitter.com/Ctez4k3JWU
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 12, 2019