We’re back with another collection of the best Tweets and quips from the last week. You’ll notice we always make a point of embedding these Tweets instead of putting up screenshots. While that puts us at risk for having a blank space if someone deletes a joke, it makes it exponentially easier for you as the reader to follow all these amazing comedians and writers. Don’t be a stingy follower, y’all. It’s silly to miss out on the daily thoughts of incredible writers just because you want a low followers/following ratio. Rise above these shallow concerns. Add these brilliant people to your life. Also, add an egg when you make cheap ramen. You’ll see a dramatic improvement in the quality of your life. Let’s get to giggling.
In honor of the straight pride parade, I’d also like to suggest a civilians-only Veterans Day parade and an alternative Halloween where children take their parents to an office park to go door to door inquiring about part time accounting work.
A tattoo on my dick that says “I’m me” when soft and “I’m not the one who’s so far away when I feel the snake bite enter my veins never did I want to be here again and I don’t remember why I came” when hard
— ???Hot Leather??? BRAIN POISON JULY 12 (@kornfan420) June 14, 2019
im dating someone who asks me when my 17 year old sister turns 18 every single time we hang out. i deserve better. this guy clearly has a hard time remembering birthdays, and i don’t wanna be disappointed on mine.
i wonder if my high school english teacher who told me i should be a writer is proud that my primary source of income is writing about wanting to get plowed by middle aged actresses
Damn just had a million dollar idea — TOY STORY but it’s a bunch of vibrators belonging to a woman in her 30s and all the vibrators sit around all day chatting and smoking and trying to figure out how to get this bitch on Ok Cupid
Amanda Knox is returning to Italy for closure. I go out of my way to avoid my local deli because six years ago I replied with “you too” after the cashier said thank you.
Having depression feels like standing in a pool. Sometimes the water is just below your chin, sometimes you’re completely submerged, and sometimes you wake up like, “HEY THEY DRAINED THE POOL TODAY LET’S SKATEBOARD!!”
lights cigarette you think I’ve never cancelled a fav before? takes deep drag I was cancelling favs slow, hissing exhale while you were sucking your mom’s tiddies long stare through smoke
my dad used to get so mad every time my mom would come home w a new coffee mug (she likes to collect them) and her new bf literally built her a wall to display her collection. this is why we don’t settle for loser boys, ladies!!!!! pic.twitter.com/BZQmfcVHuC
