The funniest thing I heard this week wasn’t actually a Tweet or a joke at a show. My wife and I were winding down for the night, enjoying a legal-in-California jazz cigarette and talking about our week. She confessed that because of how dark the news has gotten she’s taken a break from reading everything but her Google alerts about shark attacks. I said “but honey, you’re terrified of sharks. Why would you intentionally subject yourself to stories about an increasing number of shark attacks.” She replied, “I can’t do a damn thing about the world, but I sure as shit know how to not get eaten by a shark.” Happy birthday to my wife, Emily. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
Fucked up how you can take shrooms to get a permanent buff to Openness but you can’t like rail a bunch of Ritalin and end up permanently better at adding things to your calendar
— ds9 se01ep10 move along home defender (@defundpoppunk) July 19, 2019
People who say I’m lame just cuz I’ve never tried cocaine and I don’t smoke weed are honestly being so unfair to how much I drink.
I’m sitting next to 2 strangers at an airport bar who have decided to do cocaine together. They just met and they’re talking about it openly in front of me. I feel like an Uber driver.
If I’d been born like a decade earlier, I’d probably be faking orgasms with my dumb husband who makes 6 figures/yr, waiting for him to fall asleep & then opening a bookmarked tab of erotic West Wing fanfiction right now. I’d be named Tiffany Marcus & have 7 pet birds.
— Tattoo of Ayn Rand Cradling a Dying Troop (@PissJugTycoon) July 23, 2019
me: haha god i’m such a dumb bitch. i’m a big dumb idiot bitch
if an optics win is when you spend three hours shouting conspiracy theories at someone who politely refuses to engage, i should have had a lot more success dating
The fact that Eminem was able to determine the vomit on his sweater was in fact spaghetti shows that it was largely undigested. This typically occurs when food has been consumed too quickly. In this essay I will
