The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by John-Michael Bond
The funniest thing I heard this week wasn’t actually a Tweet or a joke at a show. My wife and I were winding down for the night, enjoying a legal-in-California jazz cigarette and talking about our week. She confessed that because of how dark the news has gotten she’s taken a break from reading everything but her Google alerts about shark attacks. I said “but honey, you’re terrified of sharks. Why would you intentionally subject yourself to stories about an increasing number of shark attacks.” She replied, “I can’t do a damn thing about the world, but I sure as shit know how to not get eaten by a shark.” Happy birthday to my wife, Emily. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
Fucked up how you can take shrooms to get a permanent buff to Openness but you can’t like rail a bunch of Ritalin and end up permanently better at adding things to your calendar
— ds9 se01ep10 move along home defender (@defundpoppunk) July 19, 2019
People who say I’m lame just cuz I’ve never tried cocaine and I don’t smoke weed are honestly being so unfair to how much I drink.
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) July 19, 2019
Please sign my petition to change the name of a MMF threesome to Manwhich. Thank you
— Timmi Lasley (@timmitown) July 19, 2019
Specific measurements of time
1. He Died
2. He Dead
3. He Been Dead— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) July 20, 2019
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) July 21, 2019