The funniest thing I heard this week wasn’t actually a Tweet or a joke at a show. My wife and I were winding down for the night, enjoying a legal-in-California jazz cigarette and talking about our week. She confessed that because of how dark the news has gotten she’s taken a break from reading everything but her Google alerts about shark attacks. I said “but honey, you’re terrified of sharks. Why would you intentionally subject yourself to stories about an increasing number of shark attacks.” She replied, “I can’t do a damn thing about the world, but I sure as shit know how to not get eaten by a shark.” Happy birthday to my wife, Emily. Here are the funniest Tweets of the week.
Fucked up how you can take shrooms to get a permanent buff to Openness but you can’t like rail a bunch of Ritalin and end up permanently better at adding things to your calendar
— ds9 se01ep10 move along home defender (@defundpoppunk) July 19, 2019
People who say I’m lame just cuz I’ve never tried cocaine and I don’t smoke weed are honestly being so unfair to how much I drink.
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) July 19, 2019
Please sign my petition to change the name of a MMF threesome to Manwhich. Thank you
— Timmi Lasley (@timmitown) July 19, 2019
Specific measurements of time
1. He Died
2. He Dead
3. He Been Dead— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) July 20, 2019
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) July 21, 2019
There is nothing more hilarious than when someone you dislike enters a room on crutches
— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) July 20, 2019
No one’s ever said “I can’t believe that guy with the forehead tattoos didn’t live a long and prosperous life.”
— Jean Creamery (@kylekinane) July 20, 2019
I’m sitting next to 2 strangers at an airport bar who have decided to do cocaine together. They just met and they’re talking about it openly in front of me. I feel like an Uber driver.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) July 23, 2019
90 day fiancé but it’s just adult men trying to lock in a new best friend
— Zak Toscani (@zaktoscani) July 21, 2019
Ah the 2 faces of Captialism pic.twitter.com/4K9C95Iheh
— South Asian Neko (@NekoSouth) July 19, 2019
Our son is ready for Photo Day at his Montessori school. pic.twitter.com/ZAnMFHQw9j
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) July 23, 2019
She is vogueing DOWN https://t.co/hnWVwCNLVX
— Coconutiana (@Dominicannabis_) July 23, 2019
If I’d been born like a decade earlier, I’d probably be faking orgasms with my dumb husband who makes 6 figures/yr, waiting for him to fall asleep & then opening a bookmarked tab of erotic West Wing fanfiction right now. I’d be named Tiffany Marcus & have 7 pet birds.
— Tattoo of Ayn Rand Cradling a Dying Troop (@PissJugTycoon) July 23, 2019
me: haha god i’m such a dumb bitch. i’m a big dumb idiot bitch
any man: suggests i’m not an extraordinary genius
me: do you want to fucking die dude
— al (@allisongallaghr) July 23, 2019
Just another gif of a dog chasing a ball. pic.twitter.com/tGJktsF3C8
— Cor Raven (@CorRaven) July 23, 2019
I tried singing Ashlee Simpson Pieces of Me at karaoke last night and came to the conclusion that we were all too hard on her
— Jared Goldstein (@heyjaredhey) July 24, 2019
How dudes who write “kitchen” on WNBA posts look IRL pic.twitter.com/iZc5TPVEJG
— Erin B. Underwood (@ErinBUnderwood) July 24, 2019
if an optics win is when you spend three hours shouting conspiracy theories at someone who politely refuses to engage, i should have had a lot more success dating
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) July 24, 2019
The fact that Eminem was able to determine the vomit on his sweater was in fact spaghetti shows that it was largely undigested. This typically occurs when food has been consumed too quickly. In this essay I will
— Saddington 2 (@hayley_hud) July 25, 2019
“If my dick so little why you moaning like that when I was in them guts?”
First of all I wanna be an actress
— (@petttyy__quote) July 23, 2019
if any billionaire wants to lose a bunch of money and recreate moviepass 2017 i promise you’ll be moved to the back of the guillot*ne line
— bridget (@presidentgay) July 24, 2019
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
— Kinsey Sords (@KinseySords) July 24, 2019
being single is like… it’s just you and your bottle of water
— (@sailormarspimp) July 25, 2019