Every week we scour Twitter for the best jokes and future libelous statements made by the current and future faces of comedy. Some of these folks want to have a career writing jokes. Others are just funnier than we’ll ever be. This week was an odd one, in a year of odd weeks. The 18th anniversary of 9/11 came about. How has time impacted the quality of 9/11 jokes 18 years after the fact? I think you’ll find for yourself with some of this week’s entries, they’ve become oddly more whimsical. If you’re offended by 9/11 jokes, don’t worry. We kept them to a minimum. But we would never forget to include them. It’s a valid form of catharsis and, most importantly, these are great jokes. Enjoy, and make sure to follow the folks who make you laugh.
tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. U just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS
— christine lynn herman (@christineexists) September 6, 2019
In the 2000s every girl had a pop punk boyfriend who weighed 90 pounds and owed her exactly $400 dollars at all times
— Sweet Daniel, Caressed By Autumn Wind, He Is Free (@ItsDanSheehan) September 7, 2019
post malone drops new album
Girls looking for new IG captions: pic.twitter.com/JBlJ4rQw2B
— Trevor Wallace (@TrevWall) September 7, 2019
no person has ever started wearing a very specific unique hat because good shit is going on for them mentally
— jack wagner (@jackdwagner) September 8, 2019
toxic masculinity is 20% eyeing people up when they look at your girl and 80% refusing to admit that you’re lactose intolerant
— ev o’driscoll (@nomunnynohunny) September 7, 2019
The teens are dressing like the 90s. The teens were not born yet in the 90s. The teens are returning to a time they’ve never known. At a certain point, you’ve got to hand it to the teens.
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) September 7, 2019
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) September 8, 2019
Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.
— Austin Gilkeson (@osutein) September 8, 2019
Cam looks like an old woman in a fable who puts a curse on a young prince in order to teach him a lesson about empathy pic.twitter.com/qehb0dAtoW
— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) September 8, 2019
My mom:
My dog: pic.twitter.com/3KlnYSIYc4— Cori Barnard (@CoriBarnard1) September 7, 2019
me and this uber driver were exchanging uber stories and pic.twitter.com/rOTMWLXLSe
— jaboukie? (@jaboukie) September 8, 2019
I love how molecule tattoos say “I am either trans, high, mentally ill, or really into coffee, and I only want organic chemists to know which.”
— Mx. Leah Velleman (@leahvelleman) September 7, 2019
Me being depressed pic.twitter.com/76cMUoA58V
— Kai Choyce (@kaichoyce) September 9, 2019
every Mindhunter episode
HOLDEN: did you kill her?
KILLER: nope
HOLDEN: we heard your dick game was weaksauce
KILLER: I killed her and ate her arm for breakfast, yeah
— Michael Tannenbaum (@iamTannenbaum) September 8, 2019
Had to do it to em pic.twitter.com/PV801W9BMF
— I draw my fat stupid face (@JaceAvery) September 9, 2019
My high school had a big ass room full of books you could borrow for free. I forget what they called it. https://t.co/1WNoxcltxQ
— Blood Quantum Entanglement (@LammaticHama) September 8, 2019
when you watch this on mute it’s almost impossible to imagine the beat of this song based on the three white women clapping at completely different times at the back https://t.co/bcm8YLaleO
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) September 8, 2019
I wonder if guys like that I am a shrill, vicious bitch
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) September 9, 2019
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
— Cullen (@HelloCullen) September 10, 2019
9/11 turns 18 tomorrow so Libertarians will finally lose interest in it
— A Flock of Seagals (@ASegals) September 10, 2019
might fuck around and get white and conventionally attractive and brand my mental breakdowns as monetizable content and create a cult of personality around me who will call it art to my face so much that I lose sense of reality
— Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) September 11, 2019
me going up to a coal miner to discuss Caroline Calloway
Me: Can you believe someone else was writing all her Instagram captions?
Him: coughs up dust and blood
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) September 11, 2019
Vaping is very bad for children’s health and I’m glad to hear it will no longer be allowed in their concentration camp cages
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 12, 2019
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder and the trooper was like “you know the news says those things are killing people”
I laughed a lil bit and said “ they say the same about y’all ”
He ain’t laugh— mary-go-round (@trustmeimmary) September 12, 2019
folk’s, it’s that time of year again: the time where we need to Never Forget how Apartment 3-G commemorated the 10th anniversary of 9/11 pic.twitter.com/hci8Hk61Nu
— Josh Fruhlinger (@jfruh) September 11, 2019
I really love this Mulaney profile! One small complaint though: It says he wrote for SNL, which, after a very quick fact check, the writer could have learned has been disproven as just a long-running joke. But aside from that, the profile is great https://t.co/f18CyN6NhU
— Megh Wright (@megh_wright) September 12, 2019
my twitter fingers: hmm, my back hurts. probably need someone to blow it out.
my brain: whoa whoa whoa, should you be hitting send on that?
my ovaries: aye now, you know it’s my week and i have control of the remote.
— shalewa sharpe is OUT HERE on 8/19/19 (@silkyjumbo) September 11, 2019
Jake Tapper ask the candidates whether Chris Gillis should be allowed to make millions as a Fired for Truth MAGA YouTuber or forced to stay on SNL where he will do an Update rant about Tinder in the second episode before getting benched for six months and then fired
— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) September 13, 2019
The perfect anniversary surprise: pic.twitter.com/rG8wgR1rZR
— Megan Stalter (@megstalter) September 10, 2019