The Funniest Tweets of the Week

It’s Super Bowl weekend and I have a feeling the winner is somehow going to be Billie Eilish. She cleaned up at the Grammys, she’s singing the new Bond song… it feels like it’s her year. This Sunday, Kansas City and San Francisco will duke it out between TV commercials where a car company will try to take credit for the human spirit. Will Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs pull it off? Will Jimmy G and the number one defense in the league bring the trophy back to San Fran? Either way, these are questions nobody can answer except for maybe the Long Island Medium. All I know is that it will be much better than last year because the Patriots are not in it (thank you, Ryan Fitzpatrick) and that these tweets were the funniest we read on Twitter this week.

Darth Vader’s suit is just an advanced form of blackface, my first column for Buzzfeed.

— Barry McCockiner (SEE PINNED TWEET) (@MegaTroopLover) January 25, 2020

Crying is as good of a release as an orgasm, the only difference is I sometimes cry because of men.

— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) January 30, 2020

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

— Hayden Kristal (@HaydenKristal) January 29, 2020

A sourdough starter is a tamagotchi for people in their 30s

— Louise O'Connor (@oconnola) January 29, 2020

getting diagnosed with adhd as an adult owns cuz you get to walk into a doctor's office and have a guy with a medical degree tell you “aye boss you got diet autism and the cure is to microdose meth” lmfao

— Kyubey Zirconia (@weedhitler) January 27, 2020

NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN THE SOUTH: The heat hung like molasses in the air as we headed to the pond. We set down our poles, stripped down to our under stuff, and jumped on in.MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN THE SOUTH: got called gay for crying during “Hardball” again today

— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) January 28, 2020

Instagram Ads: you like shirtsMe: yesIA: AND you are a millionaire.Me: ha, well, no…IA: A thousand dollar jacket?Me: I can’t afford th-IA: BUY THIS ISLAND NOW!

— Sam Evans (@ReallySamEvans) January 28, 2020

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

— Kate Jones (@QTPiK8) January 27, 2020

“Liz Lemon-ing” is when high achievers often with postgrad educations, mortgages, savings and secure jobs at the top of their field run around shouting “look what a fucking state I am sometimes I eat cheese after 10pm what am I like!?” for relateability.

— Princes Jásön (@yaesohn) January 27, 2020

Unfair that the phrase “my old man” means “dad that I love” but “my old lady” means “wife that I hate”

— Laura Peek (@LauraKPeek) January 27, 2020

I’m sorry but It’s particularly funny to see teenagers define themselves as polyamorous it’s like a baby wearing a suit

— Filthiest Poster Alive (@victoriaxxviii) January 29, 2020

America should get rid of the electoral college just to watch how quickly some of these politicians pivot to: Can’t start my day without a Latté, the Paris Review and a quick peg!

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) January 29, 2020

marketing: lets create a fun and exciting cereal executive: okay, go onmarketing: it’ll have cool colors and fruity flavorsexecutive: omg yesmarketing: and rabbits can fuck right off if they think they can have some

— linc (@lincnotfound) January 27, 2020

Why would anyone buy Tabasco when Chipotle doesn’t have security guards?

— Beelzebubba Gump’s Shrimp (@Curtis_Cook) January 30, 2020

Candidates! Who is YOUR Mama Rose? pic.twitter.com/wFMBTFYdSZ

— Cole Escola (@ColeEscola) January 30, 2020

“I’ve CC’d in my boss” professional corporate mildly threatening “You wanna say that in front of Greg?” confident threat level 9000 who is Greg and what is he capable of

— ruby (@roobeekeane) January 29, 2020

My coworkers know I do stand up, but I don’t think they believe me. When they ask me where my show is, I have to be like, “It’s in the dungeon of an abandoned sausage factory. GPS says it’s on Grattan St, but the entrance is on Ratpiss Blvd. Look for the woman in a hooded cape.”

— Maria Wojciechowski (@RiaWojo) January 30, 2020

seems like we’re using science to find out what the sun’s surface looks like (which won’t change anything) instead of using it to find out who’s mad at me and why (which would change a lot for me personally)

— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) January 30, 2020

finally got around to watching the Aaron Hernandez doc. disturbing on many levels, not least of all after he hangs himself and the Patriots medical staff clears him to re-enter the game against the Broncos

— Django Gold (@django) January 28, 2020

It's ironic that juggalos call themselves ninjas because I would love it if they could move around undetected and out of sight

— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) January 26, 2020