Super Tuesday is just around the corner which means we have just a few more days to cyberbully the mayors out of this race. While Pete Buttigieg was busy tweeting his best ninth grade poetry assignment, billionaire Mike Bloomberg shared some super duper, totally real evidence of vandalism at his various campaign offices on Twitter this week. I’m not sure what’s more fishy: the broken windows with glass outside of the building in Salt Lake City, or the not-vandalised Flint, MI (a town still without clean water, a problem Bloomberg could fix in an instant) office which suffered from a naughty sign put on its door. Either way, Bloomberg’s mysterious comedy writer must be busy trying to spin his boss out of this lunacy. We don’t know who this man is (or woman, but… c’mon) but we know these are the actual funniest tweets of the week.
voting by mail is self care. ignoring the debate is self care. putting on a floor length gown and wandering into the sea with hands full of stones is self care.
— danielle weisberg the railway cat (@danielleweisber) February 26, 2020
When you say you’re endorsing someone as opposed to just saying you’re gonna vote for them pic.twitter.com/S1yoGmYzCc
— Will Kellogg (@Will_Kellogg) February 27, 2020
Ash Wednesday is very “mother!”
— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) February 26, 2020
Five seconds after the Men In Black leave a scene
Literally anybody in the crowd wearing sunglasses: HOLY SHIT
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) February 26, 2020
Your mom when you leave for trick or treating without a jacket over your costume: pic.twitter.com/zSvgNsGNMx
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) February 27, 2020
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 25, 2020
i lost my virginity to a guy who voted for Jill Stein and that is my burden to bear every single day until I die
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) February 26, 2020
are you being emotionally distant with other bitches yes or no
— Paul McCallion (@OrangePaulp) February 24, 2020
ME, 16: I just found this great new song most people don’t know yet
ME, 36: I just found this great new song that has been on the radio for months and won multiple Grammys
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 27, 2020
Lady Gaga is the sweet but insane high school drama club president who tells the principal we have to do The Laramie Project because it is important and we should also do it nude.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 27, 2020
Can we all stop it with asking for “adventure” on these dating apps? I’m fearing for my life every minute of every day. Go slacklining with your brother’s dumb friend and leave me alone!!
— Drew Anderson (@imdrewanderson) February 27, 2020
Sex in the City is basically Ninja Turtles for Women
— Steven Castillo (@STEEEZUSCHRIST) February 21, 2020
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: I disagree. I think we should break up but both be alone.— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) February 24, 2020
The longer your happy anniversary caption is the worse I know things are going.
— CORINNE FISHER (@PhilanthropyGal) February 24, 2020
A bridesmaid is less of an honor and more of a willingness to spend an extra $1000 to stand during the ceremony.
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) February 26, 2020
crazy that if you have a kid who isn’t hot you have to pretend it doesn’t matter
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) February 26, 2020
pete made the first noise complaint at stonewall
— harrison (@harrrithon) February 26, 2020
WRITERS! Remember the important thing is to JUST WRITE. Don’t second guess. WRITE. Don’t make excuses. WRITE. Didn’t get that job? WRITE! Got dumped? WRITE! A man broke into my house 5 minutes ago. Did I, a WRITER, call the cops? No! I crawled under my bed and I WROTE this tweet!
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) February 27, 2020
the cdc says we should get rid of our beards but i’m not ready for cory and rosario to break up yet!
— alex english (@alex3nglish) February 27, 2020
new comics love starting a mf conversation with “have you heard my bit about..” like dog absolutely not i barely register you as a person
— E Rollin on Molly (@Evanszanycomedy) February 27, 2020