Okay, here’s what happened this week: the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, only the third one in American history, started in the Senate. Entirely fictional spokesgoober Mr. Peanut somehow died, somehow overshadowing the very real death of very real comedy legend Terry Jones. Rob Lowe wore a stupid hat. Uh… Megan Thee Stallion released a new song? Yeah, it was a big week, with some big tweets. Here are our favorites. Make sure you follow every single person below, if you aren’t already. They’ve earned your attention and respect, because they have contributed the most valuable of all things to society: a funny internet joke.
The whole joke of gritty was that he was the kind of mascot that looks like he’d fight a kid. You can’t get mad at him for honoring his nature
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) January 23, 2020
Mr. Peanut is in Hell. He spent decades as the smiling face of a company that sold the boiled and roasted corpses of his people as a snack
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 22, 2020
me, high as hell, trying to explain a movie I saw while high one time to my friends pic.twitter.com/IQm9AcEjiq
— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) January 22, 2020
SHOCKER. new audio from 1985 reveals Bernie saying, “By ’82, Black Flag were irrelevant. The Rollins era only revealed the machoism that many believed was a latent feature of the hardcore scene. Anyone who wasn’t more into the Hüsker Dü sound by ’84 was a jock. Period.”
— john (@johnsemley3000) January 18, 2020
The Joker is currently the only oscar-nominated character you can play in the new Mortal Kombat. This is egregious. Let’s get joe pesci and the Marriage Story crew in there
— Robbie Goodwin (@robbiegoodwin) January 18, 2020
when you hit Wario with a banana peel https://t.co/3P3fiHKeLq
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 22, 2020
trump could shoot someone in the senate and still get acquitted 53-47. unless he shot a republican, then it would be 52-47.
— m i t h (@ManlnTheHoody) January 23, 2020
twitter is 90% someone imagining a guy, tricking themselves into believing that guy exists and then getting mad about it
— the world’s most evil sea creature (@toiletgun) January 23, 2020
They got rid of Mr Peanut because people don’t like that type of billionaire anymore. The replacement mascot will likely be some kind of Elon Musk-type peanut.
— King of Cracker Barrel (@plopadop) January 22, 2020
what the democrats need is a troll dipshit to rival trump. just a hideously stupid moron. the american people want a big stupid idiot, so let’s give them a bigger stupider idiot
— Ben Cahn (@Buncahn) January 22, 2020
me Zion Williamson
waiting months to get
18 minutes of action
and performing well for
3 of those 18 minutes
all while being called fat— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) January 23, 2020
person: cries in the middle of ‘1917’
me: inches over a seat
person: keeps crying
me: whispers ‘have u thought about voting for a true anti-war candidate?’
person: openly weeping
me: hands person a bernie brochure
— jamieloftus (@jamieloftusHELP) January 19, 2020
If you’re wondering if anything you do will ever matter Marvin Gaye made an all time great heartbreaking hit song about finding out his girl was cheating and after he died somebody sold it to claymation raisins
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) January 24, 2020
look at all the flavor crystals on this fuckin Rito man pic.twitter.com/xpQ0mwcCpo
— (@father) January 23, 2020
I’m not an avid reader of food magazines but if Toast On A Paper Towel Monthly ever comes out, yes, I’d like a subscription.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 24, 2020
what i imagine the pitch process is like for feminist opinion pieces:
“Why we need universal childcare:”
“No”
“Let’s repeal the Hyde amendment so poor women can get abortions!”
“No”
“Is it sexist to be mad Klobuchar abused her staff”
“Yes!”— Kate Willett (@katewillett) January 23, 2020
As I understand it the Frozen movies are about spooky sorceresses of the frost so I expect a new generation of Kate Bush fans any second.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) January 23, 2020
My dad recently told me he was eagerly waiting for new “Bosch” episodes, which I had just assumed was a perpetual state of being for dads (except for the times when they are watching new “Bosch” episodes).
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 23, 2020
A LIDS EMPLOYEE, ONE WEEK AGO: Are you sure, sir? No one’s ever bought that one before. It’s kinda just for display.
ROB LOWE: pic.twitter.com/dxsNYJuJIp— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 20, 2020
To pass the Jellichel test a movie must feature at least two jellicle cats having a conversation about something other than magical mister mistofelees
— Sean Keady (@sean_keady) January 23, 2020
Coped this dope coat. When you wear it you steal four kinds of valor: Airborne, Rangers, US Marshal Service, and, meta-textually, being a crew member on the film CON AIR. If I wore this to Golden Corral they’d have to pay ME! pic.twitter.com/lalqUWmnij
— Morton Downey III (@cushbomb) January 24, 2020
hello i am a person you don’t follow on twitter who thinks you are wrong but perhaps if you would consider devoting an large amount of time to explaining yourself over a long series of tweets there is a remote possibility i may be convinced. i promise this is worth your time.
— BILL OAKLEY (@thatbilloakley) January 24, 2020