Okay, here’s what happened this week: the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, only the third one in American history, started in the Senate. Entirely fictional spokesgoober Mr. Peanut somehow died, somehow overshadowing the very real death of very real comedy legend Terry Jones. Rob Lowe wore a stupid hat. Uh… Megan Thee Stallion released a new song? Yeah, it was a big week, with some big tweets. Here are our favorites. Make sure you follow every single person below, if you aren’t already. They’ve earned your attention and respect, because they have contributed the most valuable of all things to society: a funny internet joke.
The whole joke of gritty was that he was the kind of mascot that looks like he’d fight a kid. You can’t get mad at him for honoring his nature
SHOCKER. new audio from 1985 reveals Bernie saying, “By ’82, Black Flag were irrelevant. The Rollins era only revealed the machoism that many believed was a latent feature of the hardcore scene. Anyone who wasn’t more into the Hüsker Dü sound by ’84 was a jock. Period.”
The Joker is currently the only oscar-nominated character you can play in the new Mortal Kombat. This is egregious. Let’s get joe pesci and the Marriage Story crew in there
twitter is 90% someone imagining a guy, tricking themselves into believing that guy exists and then getting mad about it
— the world’s most evil sea creature (@toiletgun) January 23, 2020
They got rid of Mr Peanut because people don’t like that type of billionaire anymore. The replacement mascot will likely be some kind of Elon Musk-type peanut.
what the democrats need is a troll dipshit to rival trump. just a hideously stupid moron. the american people want a big stupid idiot, so let’s give them a bigger stupider idiot
If you’re wondering if anything you do will ever matter Marvin Gaye made an all time great heartbreaking hit song about finding out his girl was cheating and after he died somebody sold it to claymation raisins
what i imagine the pitch process is like for feminist opinion pieces: “Why we need universal childcare:” “No” “Let’s repeal the Hyde amendment so poor women can get abortions!” “No” “Is it sexist to be mad Klobuchar abused her staff” “Yes!”
My dad recently told me he was eagerly waiting for new “Bosch” episodes, which I had just assumed was a perpetual state of being for dads (except for the times when they are watching new “Bosch” episodes).
A LIDS EMPLOYEE, ONE WEEK AGO: Are you sure, sir? No one’s ever bought that one before. It’s kinda just for display. ROB LOWE: pic.twitter.com/dxsNYJuJIp
Coped this dope coat. When you wear it you steal four kinds of valor: Airborne, Rangers, US Marshal Service, and, meta-textually, being a crew member on the film CON AIR. If I wore this to Golden Corral they’d have to pay ME! pic.twitter.com/lalqUWmnij
hello i am a person you don’t follow on twitter who thinks you are wrong but perhaps if you would consider devoting an large amount of time to explaining yourself over a long series of tweets there is a remote possibility i may be convinced. i promise this is worth your time.
