Rest in power to Wilfred Brimley, who went out with the greatest last tweet of all time.
Popular choices included:
Under Quaker
Brim-stone
Killford Brimley
The DIE-A-BEASTUS#WWE#WilfordWrestlingEntertainmenthttps://t.co/IGWisnEKOx— Wilford Brimley (@RealWilfordB) July 31, 2020
More happened last week than the death of a beloved actor who was curiously never as old as you thought he was until he was exactly as old as you thought he was, but do we really need to go into it? The president’s an idiot who gave an embarrassing interview and then mispronounced both Yosemite and Thailand in unintentionally hilarious ways. The pandemic continues to rage virtually unchecked through America due to our own selfishness, stupidity and incompetence. Sports and school are back and nobody really knows why. Yeah, things ain’t great, still.
It’s a bad time all around, but an okay time to look at a list of potentially funny tweets. I mean, if there’s ever actually an okay time to do that, it might as well be right now. Right? Look, I’m just trying to make it to the weekend, here—even if the weekend is no longer a meaningful concept when you never leave the home that has also been your office for the last five months.
Read some tweets. Or don’t. But either way you should follow all the people who wrote them. That’s the least you could do.
Hey you cool cats and kittens, I just time traveled back to the first week of quarantine.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) July 31, 2020
“Cancel culture has people afraid to voice their opinion” are you kidding you people never shut the fuck up. Ever. Not once have you held back on your dumb ass nonsense
— Grimbo (@BraveArcanine) July 31, 2020
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) July 31, 2020
March: I’ll use lockdown to make things and be productive
August: I have made one (1) thing and it is a fool of myself
— ruby (@roobeekeane) August 1, 2020
With my glasses, quarantine hair and beard, I should add Hawaiian shirts to perfect my look of “Boomer animator.”
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) July 30, 2020
the right wing was like “fuckin feminazis” for 30 years and now all of a sudden they’re like “you can’t just call people Nazis for disagreeing with you “
— i bless the rains down in castamere (@Chinchillazllla) August 1, 2020
Pictured below: the US two-party political system pic.twitter.com/tmDs3DDWzc
— Buffalo Dog-Faced Pony Soldier (@pdamra) July 31, 2020
Can’t sleep. Thinking again of my failed invention, Macro Machines. They were Micro Machines, but the size of a real car. They cost as much as a car and you couldn’t drive them. Just big fake cars.
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) August 1, 2020
I took this week off work but obviously couldn’t go anywhere or do anything and as my little staycation comes to a close I just want to say: this sucks ass.
— $200 a Day, Plus Expenses (@CaseyMalone) July 31, 2020
I recorded all the crowd noise for the MLB this year! pic.twitter.com/XIqWXkY1Kp
— JHN SPRTS (@JonPlester) July 31, 2020
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 31, 2020
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
— mister crunch (@markydoodoo) August 2, 2020
that’s larry bird https://t.co/xEfRw7W9Kz
— whitney medworth (@its_whitney) August 2, 2020
It IS pretty funny that the most popular radio show in the world is “Joe Rogan struggles to understand things “
— Trenton Smothers from Rancho Cucamonga (@feraljokes) August 3, 2020
Just thought of a new beverage….”Weird Coke” — it’s like normal Coke but just kind of weird. Take a sip, hey there’s something weird about this Coke. Do you want a different drink? No it’s ok. Just a little weird. Weird Coke.
— John Hamburger (@BronzeHammer) August 3, 2020
wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him
[later]
me: ok so your mom’s a narc
— james (@heybuddy_comic) August 3, 2020
walked by a lady in a mask and I was in my mask and we were obviously trying to smile at each other but it wasn’t working because mask and I was like what do I do shit shit and then she saluted me and i’ve been in shock for 5 hours she knocked that one the fuck out of the park
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 3, 2020
What’s he gonna do at Gettysburg, mourn the loss? https://t.co/mr7gBedxDi
— Tentin Quarantino (@agraybee) August 4, 2020
I hate this Fucking website pic.twitter.com/3WETegDUMp
— honest jabe (@jaynooch) August 4, 2020
jesus christ 2020 I’m just trying to eat breakfast pic.twitter.com/ioCPHuvOfj
— Laura Hudson (@laura_hudson) August 4, 2020
Proposal: we stop calling it “trickle-down economics” and instead call it “the human centipede theory of economics”
— Andrea Stewart on hiatus to finish revisions! (@AndreaGStewart) August 4, 2020
Trump interviewing himself may be the best thing to ever happen to the internet… pic.twitter.com/2xMDfg7PGF
— Rex Chapman (@RexChapman) August 5, 2020
new D&D alignment chart looks lit pic.twitter.com/RSiWpLoSK2
— K. Thor Jensen (@kthorjensen) August 6, 2020
Everyone’s complaining about wearing masks but for centuries everyone had to wear hats in public and there wasn’t even a reason, it was just if you showed your head you were an asshole
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) August 6, 2020
Where are they now?!
The “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video cheerleaders pic.twitter.com/0RUozK9qGK
— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) August 7, 2020
— Jack Hamilton (@jack_hamilton) August 6, 2020
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2020) // Pizza Hut Training video (1988) pic.twitter.com/UpSs6dlZ0n
— Palomita (@ChurchofFear) August 7, 2020
Get in loser we’re going to kill God. pic.twitter.com/FS2IAasCn2
— Galar Regional Medical Director (@weedlewobble) August 7, 2020