Good morning, it is Tuesday. Usually we do these on Monday but yesterday we took a holiday so we are doing it today. The next Monday we’ll take off will be President’s Day, so, don’t be shocked when there’s no Funniest Tweets of the Week post on President’s Day. Great, now that we’ve gotten business out of the way, on to pleasure: Hello readers! Did you have a nice weekend? I saw The Post, which every actor was in. Pretty all right! I also read a wonderful book of short stories called What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky. It was really wonderful! I highly recommend! A third thing I did was, make this list of tweets. And here it is:
just witnessed a bank robbery — but i’m not calling the police. why not? well, it’s simple: it’s only taking place in a movie i am watching comfortably at home. that’s the magic of movies
if I don’t put a subject line in an email to my mom asking if she has an extra beach towel, it makes me click “are you sure” before it will send https://t.co/XiHYKFL2GS
— maura “are jack and biz nazis?” quint (@behindyourback) January 13, 2018
During Obama every comedian had a heartfelt earnest memoir called “how comedy saved my life” and now that shit’s over and I am proud to be writing the first book about “How Comedy Killed Me”
the fired4truth guy trying to make it legally binding that women are forced to talk to him even though he hates them is all of reddit squished into one concept
It’s cool that we live in a world so nightmarish that the best metaphor I’ve seen for its operating logic is Javier Bardemin a bad haircut, flipping a coin to decide if he’s gonna shoot someone
If my ceiling were to start dripping rainwater onto my face at 4:30 in the morning, I would simply move my bed and place a bucket beneath the leak, and spend the following day at work obsessively thinking about how full the bucket is getting
I will keep kissing it
