Good morning, it is Tuesday. Usually we do these on Monday but yesterday we took a holiday so we are doing it today. The next Monday we’ll take off will be President’s Day, so, don’t be shocked when there’s no Funniest Tweets of the Week post on President’s Day. Great, now that we’ve gotten business out of the way, on to pleasure: Hello readers! Did you have a nice weekend? I saw The Post, which every actor was in. Pretty all right! I also read a wonderful book of short stories called What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky. It was really wonderful! I highly recommend! A third thing I did was, make this list of tweets. And here it is:
the future turned out to be basically what we expected pic.twitter.com/IyiRjKncCC
— Choire (@Choire) January 15, 2018
getting some Mixed signals from this locked dooR. it is locked BUT it is door!!
I will keep kissing it
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) January 14, 2018
Why has the war in Afghanistan been such a disaster? A new film has the answer: America only sent 12 horse soldiers
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 16, 2018
trump: shithole countries lol
replies: first off, sir, some of those people from “shithole countries” create apps
— Dark Souls…cialism (@bombsfall) January 12, 2018
— Old Grande (@6rande) January 14, 2018
Just had this convo w my roommate and we disagreed but: you get that “nuke incoming” phone alert you just start fucking whoever’s around right
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) January 14, 2018
It’s good to spend $2,000 a year on improv classes.
— Carmen Christopher (@CarmChristopher) January 14, 2018
just witnessed a bank robbery — but i’m not calling the police. why not? well, it’s simple: it’s only taking place in a movie i am watching comfortably at home. that’s the magic of movies
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) January 13, 2018
People in Hawaii: If you’re still feeling anxious and need to relax, look at literally anything around you
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 13, 2018
if I don’t put a subject line in an email to my mom asking if she has an extra beach towel, it makes me click “are you sure” before it will send https://t.co/XiHYKFL2GS
— maura “are jack and biz nazis?” quint (@behindyourback) January 13, 2018
me trying to casually join a group conversation at a party pic.twitter.com/0DN4pfXZ8z
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) January 13, 2018
Move over, “For sale: Baby shoes, never worn” pic.twitter.com/G7HJQNi0CH
— Tom Scocca (@tomscocca) January 13, 2018
serious reporter voice: it can’t be racism if a third of the country agrees with him
— Atrios (@Atrios) January 13, 2018
Cool hotel pic.twitter.com/AzBNmdoinS
— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) January 13, 2018
There is absolutely no way HQ Trivia is not funded by the arms trade or something
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) January 12, 2018
Thinking about the movie Whiplash. All that drumming! Bang bang, boom and crash! Make those flat boys sing! I hated it.
— Jacky Vening (@JerkVening) January 12, 2018
comedians in tanks killing civilians pic.twitter.com/dARaZjUD4p
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) January 11, 2018
During Obama every comedian had a heartfelt earnest memoir called “how comedy saved my life” and now that shit’s over and I am proud to be writing the first book about “How Comedy Killed Me”
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) January 11, 2018
me, 24, listening to graceland: this is pretty good!
me, 28, listening to graceland: (weeps softly)— @lana (@_lanabelle) January 11, 2018
Red Lobster probably could have just been called Lobster
— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) January 11, 2018
if you know the names of clouds you should keep it to yourself
— Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) January 11, 2018
the fired4truth guy trying to make it legally binding that women are forced to talk to him even though he hates them is all of reddit squished into one concept
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) January 11, 2018
I’ve been pretty embarrassed but I think I should probably finally ask: who is donald trump
— Robbie Goodwin (@robbiegoodwin) January 10, 2018
It’s cool that we live in a world so nightmarish that the best metaphor I’ve seen for its operating logic is Javier Bardem in a bad haircut, flipping a coin to decide if he’s gonna shoot someone
— Earnest Borg #9 (@Boringstein) January 10, 2018
If my ceiling were to start dripping rainwater onto my face at 4:30 in the morning, I would simply move my bed and place a bucket beneath the leak, and spend the following day at work obsessively thinking about how full the bucket is getting
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) January 9, 2018
I want to know my child has all the tools needed to succeed in this world. It is because of this I have decided to name them “ProducedByJuddApatow.”
— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) January 9, 2018
My heart goes out to everyone who is hurting tonight, whether you’re dealing with heartbreak, or are just a plain ol burn victim
— ???? calvin lord ???? (@calvinthelord) January 8, 2018