Good morning everyone. As a quick recap, last week a raccoon climbed all the way to the top of a tall building and Elon Musk described himself as a socialist. Marx, however, was a capitalist, because he wrote a whole book about it, don’t you know. The greatest trick the devil ever played, et cetera. Meanwhile IHOP changed its name to IHOb, because they do burgers now, and a million other brands did bad Twitter jokes. Let’s see, also E3 happened and there’s gonna be a new Elder Scrolls but Waluigi will NOT be in the new Super Smash Bros. Overall mixed week! Pretty bad actually. Well, here they are, the tweets:
“why aren’t there any conservative comedy shows” pic.twitter.com/sRFd2KKb9N
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) June 17, 2018
What a beautiful ancient Mesopotamian cuneiform tablet. I wonder what ageless wisdom it conveys? pic.twitter.com/FPUmAZ4AOH
— Helen Ingram (@drhingram) June 15, 2018
You: you shouldn’t drink more than one drink per hour.
Me, wise: the division of time into measurable parts like hours was a necessary precondition of the development of wage labor. By drinking more than one drink in an hour, I am rejecting bourgeois society.— Confirmed e-boy (@rotundmanchild) June 15, 2018
blows quickly into the barrels of my two smoking cartoon pistols pic.twitter.com/cnHUOssg56
— babadook spinoza ? (@joe___nelson) June 15, 2018
when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. or add the zest to your pasta sauce. or squeeze the juice over fish and roast veges. no limit really to the things you can do with the humble lemon, a shit symbol for life’s hardships
— maddie holden (@winningprotocol) June 15, 2018
really hope this album doesn’t give elon musk and grimes any ideas
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 16, 2018
— Lainy @ Octo Expansion (@LainyGoat) June 14, 2018
Sad to see that my proposal to split California into Northern California, Southern California, and Second Italy didn’t make it onto the ballot this year. pic.twitter.com/gm6GWgedNj
— Lauren Thomas (@laurnthomas) June 16, 2018
— Mel (@coldbrewedtool) June 16, 2018
Once again, other mammals get credit for my ideas. https://t.co/KdsBjnYQiI
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) June 16, 2018
weeeeeeeeerrre
gettttiiiiiiinnnng
divvvvvvooooorrcceed pic.twitter.com/wteleSujKu
— (((guterman))) (@danguterman) June 16, 2018
“We don’t get a second chance if we don’t behave perfectly at all times” -comedy actress round table pic.twitter.com/kqobM7RrWh
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) June 15, 2018
I matched with a guy on Tinder who messaged me to say I was stupid for liking Frasier and two messages later I have convinced this man that I currently write for the show Frasier pic.twitter.com/xUmwI1DXrz
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 15, 2018
My name is Tim but back in high school people called me the betrayed clarinetist whose story went viral pic.twitter.com/K9hryQlQAB
— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) June 15, 2018
me, in star wars
DROID: beep beep boop boop
WOOKIE: rhewaajwealrddaaajjhhhhhh
ME: what— ben™ (@benicus_rex) June 15, 2018
Kids do not like it pic.twitter.com/ZE23SWCdtg
— Nil-Nil (@lib_crusher) June 14, 2018
cool how historians will get to see us workshop our jokes about the great unraveling in real time pic.twitter.com/9Ra0JN7bfC
— chris hooks (@cd_hooks) June 14, 2018
When they say “always be nice to assistants, they will be in charge someday” they forget to say “especially the ones who seem barely functional and maybe illiterate” because THEY are the ones who will run networks someday.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) June 14, 2018
they should have just made the jurassic park dinosuars much smaller and more manageable. people would still pay a lot of money to see your park and you could have it in ohio or something
— alivepool (@OkButStill) June 14, 2018
imagine “tag” but the cast is the impractical jokers…….wouldve brought the chemistry needed to tell this true story of such a tight boy squad.
— patrick gray (@patrckgray) June 14, 2018
— Juggalocialism (@UweBollocks) June 14, 2018
It’s weird to see how national brands position themselves as progressive in San Francisco. I know how you act back in the red states, you liars!
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) June 13, 2018
my mom thought bravo’s andy cohen was going to be arrested and she was immediately on board im fucking crying pic.twitter.com/DmGmA2CMkP
— nikki black (@nikkiblackcat) June 13, 2018
When u ask ur parents if u r good at comedy pic.twitter.com/u3K71fuxFZ
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 13, 2018
I did it you guys.. I made it all the way to the end of capitalism. Out here, Home Depot sells imitation reclaimed salvage wood and plays a video loop of the fictional men watching you on cameras to keep you from stealing pic.twitter.com/2CwnlDzCmz
— Steve Gaynor slams a Dew hell yeah (@fullbright) June 13, 2018
Wow.. I’m speechless at the moon and stars. They’re so beautiful I cannot even describe them. Just kidding mother fucker. They are white circles that glow. Easy to describe. Next.
— nephew aka siteman (@nephew_time) June 12, 2018
whether we’re talking about the creative process, or getting as much of your urine as possible into an empty Burger King cup while driving down the freeway at 70 mph, my philosophy is the same: don’t let perfect be the enemy of good
— Django Gold (@django) June 13, 2018
Sad news, Waluigi fans: pic.twitter.com/zQXrlzvkJj
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2018
ihob waitress: can i take your order
me: i would like some pancakes please
waitress: great choice, even though we recently had a marketing campaign to promote our burgers, we still make pancakes and we do a damn fine job. thanks for not being weird about it
me: you as well
— viking (@NOTVIKING) June 13, 2018
dog bike pic.twitter.com/6R8rPHJ8si
— poorly drawn lines (@PDLComics) June 12, 2018
— Jasmine Pierce (@jasminepierce) June 12, 2018
Has anyone else noticed that Fox News says the opposite of things that they’ve said in the past depending on who is in office? Definitely something that is worth reminding people of for some reason
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) June 12, 2018
guide to being a comedian, through the years
1960s: damn I hope I get that variety show
1990s: damn I hope I land that sitcom
2018: damn I hope I get to be the sassy nameless voice of a brand’s twitter
— Shannon Odell (@shodell) June 12, 2018
this teacher has a personalized handshake for every single one of his students pic.twitter.com/BGQX4BU2dt
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) June 12, 2018
what the fuck are you gonna do with a flamethrower you freakin epic le bacon CEO of a startup ass favourite show is Entourage ass wearing sneakers with jeans to the office ass bitches
— lucy valentine (@LucyXIV) June 11, 2018
the inner workings of a trillion-dollar global industry pic.twitter.com/AgAx5DIH7c
— Max Read (@max_read) June 11, 2018
Can’t stop laughing at this. pic.twitter.com/EeO3MCustL
— Tales from Weirdland (@WeirdlandTales) June 11, 2018
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) June 11, 2018
As a soup lover the idea of a bird landing in my soup and using it as a bird bath is a nightmare
— Jacky Vening (@JerkVening) May 15, 2018
Salieri, reading Mozart’s music for the first time, weeping: Oh fuck… this shit slaps. This whips ass
— regular person (@Merman_Melville) June 11, 2018