The Longest Ride

Though The Longest Ride, adapted from a Nicholas Sparks novel, features competitive bull riding, the titular “longest ride” turns out not to be the eight seconds that a bull rider must remain unbucked. Shocker, I know. Resident bull rider Luke’s (Scott Eastwood) mother (Lolita Davidovich) uses math to demonstrate this point: eight seconds is a finite amount of time, she notes, and therefore is only “the longest” relative to periods of time less than eight seconds. Luke doesn’t hear her, because he is a man who believes in doing manly things like bull riding and not unmanly things like grade school arithmetic. Luke is also a self-described “old school” chivalrous cowboy, despite the fact that, as is often the case in movies about old school chivalrous cowboys, his awesome mother would clearly roll her eyes, all “I can buy my own drink, thanks.” Inevitably, Luke only gets the calculus of love when fellow man and aging love expert Ira (Alan Alda, but also Jack Huston in flashbacks) flatly explains it: the longest ride is the love between a man and a woman.
Because this is Sparks, this longest ride is also A Universal Heteronormative Love Story. Men and women in very different decades from very different backgrounds act the same ways and say the same theme-appropriate lines to one another and invest in the same immutable categories of gender because…well, welcome to a Nicholas Sparks story, where no potentially subtle bit of dialogue isn’t highlighted and underlined and circled and cross-referenced countless times in the script until it becomes unavoidably offensive. You can almost imagine questions like “Could this be more sexist?” scrawled all over the margins of Sparks’s notebook—which is a copy of The Notebook, of course.
Consequently, Sophia (Britt Robertson) is a sorority sister who promptly abandons her sorority sisters to hang out almost exclusively with Luke and Ira, because a troubled boyfriend with a death wish and a dying geriatric are exactly what a twenty-something girl is willing to put her friends and her career aspirations on hold for. Sophia and Luke save Ira from a car crash along with a picnic basket filled with love letters Ira wrote to his wife Ruth (Oona Chaplin). They’re all addressed and stamped, even though for most of the movie Ruth and Ira seem to either live together or live in the same neighborhood.
The movie goes out of its way to make the letters seem even more ludicrous than that. The first time she looks at them, Sophia grabs six or seven from the middle of the stack, flips through them, and arbitrarily opens one at random. Fortunately, the calculus of love works, and her selection just happens to be Ira’s very first letter. Ira shares this talent with Sophia: each randomly picked letter just happens to be the next in the series. At one point, Sophia reads a date, and Ira sighs in pleasure: “That was a good day.” Except then Sophia reads the letter and it turns out to cover multiple days—maybe even months—and…how was it dated with the date of the first day it covered? Was Ira writing these letters to Ruth as he and Ruth were doing the things the letters chronicle them doing? Is The Longest Ride Spark’s subtle jab at selfie and Vine culture? The movie itself seems to acknowledge how foolish this all is: It drops the pretense of the letters pretty quickly, and by the mid-point of this two-hour snoozefest Ira’s mastery of the calculus of love is so powerful that he can initiate a flashback just by narrowing his eyes or lowering his voice.
When she’s not reading Ira’s love letters, Sophia is going on old school chivalrous cowboy picnic dates with Luke. She swoons about how special his takeout BBQ and lakeside picnic table are despite the fact that this is the exact same date cowboys take cosmopolitan women on in every movie about cowboys dating cosmopolitan women. Still, such picnics must be powerful; suddenly, Sophia’s lifelong dream of going to Manhattan to pursue a career in art—because she loves “art,” and also “everything about it”—is compromised by her desire for Luke’s “shoulders.”