The dynamic duo of Beinsports La Liga commentary, Phil Schoen (play-by-play) and Ray Hudson (color) have, for much of this past decade, compiled a highlight reel comparable to Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo’s in sheer entertainment value. Most of this is down to Ray Hudson, who uses SAT words in breathless appreciation of every beautiful goal scored during a match. His exuberance is infectious, but also hilarious, a self-aware shtick that is somehow eternally creative.
Hudson’s M.O. is to answer the question: how do you describe the indescribable? How do you translate the superhuman physical feats of a soccer match into mere language? His profound answer: to stretch language to unparalleled heights. Ray pulls words like “magisterial” off the shelf, dusting them off to see if they fit. Their absurdity reminds us that these feats of soccer transcend the spoken word, and force us to laugh at the how language comes up short. But there is beauty in watching Ray get close.
When Lionel Messi scored a winning goal with the last kick of the game for Barcelona against Real Madrid in last weekend’s mammoth El Clasico, Ray Hudson and Phil Schoen were in full flourish as they chronicled this momentous occasion live. Here then are excerpts of their commentary from Messi’s outstanding goal yesterday, ranked according to their aesthetic brilliance.
12. “Astonishing from Messi, beautiful counter-attack. All the pieces falling into place.” (Ray)
“Astonishing” is a classic Hudsonism, and here it is well used. You can also feel the passion and earnest awe at Barcelona’s mélange of technique in Ray’s phrase “All the pieces falling into place.” But this is mostly functional, a bridge between Hudson’s other grace notes.
7/10
11. “Demonic skill from Sergi, picks the right pass out of his pocket. Gomes leaves it back, Jordi Alba sells it, Messi catapults it home!” (Ray)
Near the bottom of the list by default. It’s got good words in it, but Ray’s shoehorning of his style into a more Phil-esque play-by-play feels a little wonky. Still, the phrase “Demonic skill” is one of the best descriptors in this entire symphony of adjectives.
7.5/10
10. “Messi, born in a crossfire hurricane and he is jumpin’ jack flash right here.” (Ray)
Many will place this tortured Rolling Stones analogy at the top of their own power rankings on sheer camp alone. It’s certainly the excerpt that departs the most from conventional sports commentary. But it feels somewhat of an overreach; there’s an Icarus quality to it. Still it powers through you on the fumes of its own ambition, and you must give Ray credit for the undertaking.
7.5/10
9. “And he cares not about the yellow card.” (Ray)
This is the bass solo.
8/10
8. “Gomes, looking for the overlap. Alba inside, it’s MESSI!!” (Phil)
Some classically strong play-by-play here from Phil, who keeps up admirably with the speed and range of Barcelona’s passing style. By the time that Messi unleashes a first-time finish, Phil has escalated his volume, and his bellowing of “Messi” rings out from the foothills of Mount Olympus. The perfect way to set the stage for the Herculean linguistics to follow.
8/10
7. “Amazing football. The defenders are left with bees flying around them.” (Ray)
Far from being the most ostentatious Hudsonism of this commentary, it’s still something you could picture a more classically professional broadcaster using if he was feeling a little rambunctious. You could maybe – if you squint – imagine a wine-buzzed Vin Scully using a phrase like this in the throes of a particularly calamitous inning of bad fielding. But this is the kind of thing that Ray Hudson churns out fourteen or fifteen times a game.
8.5/10
6. “Again, the medicine man arrives, and sinks his flaming spear into the hearts of Real Madrid.” (Ray)