10 (Terrible) Bands That Show Up To Every Local Battle of the Bands
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I’ve spent more years than I’d care to admit performing at local battles of the bands. Countless hours of my life were slowly bled from my youthful body as my ears and mind were assaulted by an endless, unholy cacophony of amateur music. After what must have been my tenth such battle, I began to notice a few trends. As we complain about how all of music’s top-selling artists all sound the same (that is, like a malfunctioning laptop tossed into a canyon from a great height), it’s important to recognize that everybody at the bottom sounds the same too.
Here are a few bands that I swear followed me from battle to battle, haunting me like the sins of my youth (I used to steal a lot of my sisters’ Halloween candy).
1. The Boss Tuners
These guys want to make sure their set is impeccable. They’re smart enough to know that an untuned guitar is the auditory equivalent of getting mauled by a bear like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, and nobody wants to get eviscerated by a bear: Unless there’s an Oscar on the line, of course.
So they tune their instruments. And they continue to tune. They almost begin to play, but they realize their G-string is a little tight, so they loosen that bad boy before it pops. No member bothers to speak to the crowd during this time, so the audience awkwardly pretends to text or practices their upcoming set through pantomime. Because, let’s face it, the only people in that crowd are in the other bands, anyway. And moms. “Hey, Mom!”
By the time they actually begin their set, The Boss Tuners’ allotted time is already up. As they get down to the business of re-tuning for their second song, the battle’s MC gets up to shepherd them offstage.
Chances of winning: Zero.
It’s hard to win a battle if you only play one song. As good as the band may or may not be, they should really focus on tuning before they hop up on that beer-soaked piece of plywood the bar calls a stage. Stage presence matters, and staring at a $3 tuner you bought from Wal-Mart for fifteen minutes doesn’t exactly evoke Iggy Pop.
2. Pop Some Punk
Pop Some Punk believe music reached its zenith in 2001 with the release of Sum 41’s All Killer No Filler. The antithesis of everything The Boss Tuners stand for, these guys treat tuners like the very machine they’re raging so hard against (“Tuner? I hardly know ‘er!”). After all, there’s nothing more “punk” than an out-of-tune guitar abused by the meaty palms of an amateur guitarist who believes guitar solos to be as pretentious as palm-muted power chords are groundbreaking.
Everybody in the band demands a microphone from the sweaty, slightly drunk sound tech for the night—thereby ensuring every song’s woah-woah section is packed with the appropriate amount of angsty punch—and half the set doubles as an improv comedy routine. Every musician has something hilarious to say about the other members, the crowd, the government or just, like, chicks, man.
Chances of winning: Zilch
Maybe they’d have had a chance fifteen years ago, but the novelty of bro-speak stage banter and blast-beat pop punk has grown old for most listeners. There are a few bands that can still pull this off, but chances are they aren’t slumming it in your local dive bar.
3. The Cosmonauts
Upon first glance, The Cosmonauts look like the real deal. Their guitarists’ pedalboards boast more circuitry and wires than an Apache attack helicopter, and there’re so many colorful, shiny lights you’d swear you were tripping in Vegas. Every cent of these guys’ tax return was immediately poured into the latest Strymon pedal providing not only absolutely essential flanger, but a “Destroyer” setting for when you want your space rock band to suddenly shift into Hawaiian luau music.
The music itself sounds impressive, but in the same way that a waterfall is impressive. It’s just this massive wall of noise and reverbed lead lines crawling all over each other in a mangled mess punctuated sporadically by a drummer who only brought a crash cymbal. Vocals are inaudible, but you’re fairly positive he’s just yelling in Sigur Ros’ Hopelandic nonsense language.
Chances of winning: Mild
While undeniably talented, it’s hard to get overly excited for music that’s incomprehensible with zero hooks. Judges may be on board with a cosmic journey through the stars, but more often than not, they’ll just start picking their nose.
4. Unnamed
Look, you haven’t heard of these guys before. In fact, you’ve never heard of any of their influences. Inspired primarily by bands who only released one song on cassette back in the ‘90s, they basically just sound like a poor man’s Sonic Youth. Their music is so raw and real that it’s absolutely no fun to listen to. As the guitarist leans over to pour more fuzz onto his tone, 90 percent of the audience suddenly realizes they need to use the bathroom or take a smoke break.
Chances of winning: Variable
If the judges happen to like Unnamed’s dickish attitude and posturing, there’s a good chance they could swing a dark horse win. But music isn’t about competition for them. Other than the competition of finding obscure bands nobody’s ever heard of and declaring them your favorite.
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