Ah, the ever present North American White Dude. While ubiquitous in all its habitats, literally anywhere humans exist, one of the best places to observe the White Dude is at one of its favorite “watering holes”: the improv show. It is a place for the Dude to socialize amongst its peers and jockey for social position by attempting to convince those around them that they must “totally check out The Wire.” There is a performative aspect to the ritual as well; The Dudes attempt to impress potential mates by banding together and performing on stage in an attempt to collectively magnify their sexual prowess.
These shows have been so overrun by White Dudes, in fact, that any other type of human are drastically overshadowed by vocal majority that are the Dudes. While none know how to counteract this invasive species, this concentration of Dudes has, however, proved invaluable to researchers. At these shows, scientists have documented certain patterns and found that there are at least eight different categories of White Dude that regularly dominate these proceedings. Armed with this knowledge, scientists hope to develop a long term solution, but in the meanwhile, focus is on educating those most vulnerable with lists such as this.
8. The Intense Dude
The first Dude one is likely to come across, this subspecies lives and breathes improv. Completely dedicated to the ritual, he’s read every book, is at every show, and makes sure to socialize with every single other human in the room. His enthusiasm is his downfall, however, and his intensity is rarely matched. Subsequently, the non-White Dude spectators nod politely to the Intense Dude’s face, but are often internally wishing they were to be just left alone.
7. The Trust Fund Dude
Everything in this Dude’s life happens due to support from his parents, and his participation in improv is no exception. A passing interest led to receiving an entire training in the art form, but despite this, the Trust Fund Dude has minimal commitment to participating. He comes and goes, flitting about, telling his team that he will “totally come to the show on Friday”, then announcing that “something came up” the day of. The only place he can consistently be seen is at the bar explaining to women “how awesome it is to be able to support himself just making art.”
6. The Middle-aged Dude
Typically, participation in improv shows is a young Dude’s game. The Middle-aged Dude is, however, the exception. Researchers found the most common reason this subspecies decides to put themselves out there is because they’ve “always wanted to try improv but never had the courage.” Their schedules mean they cannot stay out late, and they often only bring dad jokes to the table, along with an uncomfortable sense that perhaps everyone ought to censor themselves around this “adult.” Their participation in improv will start strong, but peter out once “things get busy with the kids.”
