On the day I got my braces off a group of angry protesters took over the lobby of the building that housed my orthodontist’s office. They weren’t mad at Dr. Timothy Shaughnessy, DDS; they were protesting whatever latest bit of idiocy my duly elected Congressional representative had performed during his duties as the Speaker of the House. That dude’s name was Newt Gingrich; his office was in the same building as my orthodontist, and this story is only germane insofar as the first tweet in the batch below is probably my favorite of the week. It speaks to me personally, you see. I’d like to think that sometime tomorrow Dr. Shaughnessy, on a break from stripping metal off the teeth of young people, will pull out his phone and see this article shared upon his Facebook page, and remember those terrible days when his professional neighbor was also doing a pretty good job of wrecking this here country.
Hey, here are some tweets.
doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him
Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich
— reaghan (@reaghhan) November 9, 2019
If we tax billionaires too much they won’t be able to buy the essentials they need, like NFL franchises, islands, and tax deductible think tanks founded exclusively to legitimize fringe beliefs about how billionaires shouldn’t have to pay taxes.
— Erin bill taylor’s voice Ryan (@morninggloria) November 9, 2019
there is an upcoming movie called 21 Bridges—more bridges than any of the previous movies
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) November 10, 2019
Took my kids to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. A lot of tension in the band. pic.twitter.com/lRn2An2bUE
— Marla Caceres (@MarlaCaceres) November 10, 2019
I view every audience like the electoral college. That gay teen in the front row? He’s Rhode Island. Small, gorgeous, an easy win. That girl’s boyfriend who didn’t want to come? He’s Michigan, babe— White, no college education and absolutely vital to my success for some reason.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) November 11, 2019
Hulu – $13
Netflix – $12
HBO max – $15
Disney+ – $7
Amazon Prime – $9
Casey Anthony OnlyFans – $450
CBS All Access – $6Total, $512 a month for streaming and entertainment services.
Explain how this was supposed to save us money over cable?
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) November 13, 2019
Oh you like Werner Herzog? Name one perverse jungle that has driven you to madness.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) November 12, 2019
very excited to finally watch this documentary about what happened to Walt Disney pic.twitter.com/yTZJ1WGNgU
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 12, 2019
Disney Gays don’t come out of the closet. They come out of The Vault.
— Frank Costa (@feistyfrank) November 12, 2019
people say New Yorkers are mean but a woman on the subway just tapped me on the shoulder to say “hey man the dude next to you is pissing himself you better book it”
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) November 12, 2019
Hank Hill in a top hat with goggles: “I sell steam power and steam power accessories.”
— Sloth Mom (@CaseyExplosion) November 12, 2019
Oh, me? Well, I only read Railway Modeller. That’s it. No other magazine. Give me Railway Modeller or don’t give me a magazine. pic.twitter.com/rNdhlamw3t
— Jason Gore (@sonicdork) November 13, 2019
(weezer Beverley hills voice) mentally ill
— oats (@oats___) November 13, 2019
The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house
— the pumpkin bitch (@msnadiaosman) November 13, 2019
new star wars movie forgot to make the creatures fun and magical. it’s just normal rabbits and pigs and stuff running around in space. sorry
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) November 14, 2019
I feel like Trump is eventually going to fake his own death, but also continue tweeting.
— Evan J’daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) November 13, 2019
This is the content I crave pic.twitter.com/n5AVsud45k
— (@mike_hugs) November 13, 2019
People in their 30’s at hardcore shows pic.twitter.com/YCfhXJXf93
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) November 14, 2019
“Out of the hundreds of people Jeffrey Dahmer met in his life, he only killed and ate 17” https://t.co/NIz65vRNo0
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) November 13, 2019
Let’s just abolish Young Adult books and make kids watch TV instead of being nerds
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) November 14, 2019
me to my girlfriend every night as we drift to sleep: pic.twitter.com/TXSCA0f8nj
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) November 14, 2019
Foxes try eating ass for the first time. pic.twitter.com/5NdhbEs5th
— Look Who’s Parasite Now™ (@TimDuffy) November 14, 2019