8. Flavor Flav
The Song: “Flavor Man”
The Line: “Joey Fatone, is in my bones, Jackie Hamilton, dollar bill/Sittin’ real high on Capitol Hill.”
The Verdict: Even folks who don’t like rap could probably identify Flavor Flav as the man who wears a large clock around his neck. What they probably couldn’t identify is any sense in these lyrics at all. Joey Fatone is probably the fourth-most popular member of *NSYNC, so that’s not really a brag. Jackie Hamilton was a British comedian. But even Flav is confusing him for Alexander Hamilton, who appears on the 10 dollar bill, would he rather have some Benjamins? The last part is probably a clue, though. Flav was probably (sittin’) real, ahem, high when he wrote this.
The Song: “Trying to Find a Balance”
The Line: “Yeah, I got some last words: Fuck all y’all/Stop writing raps and go play volleyball.”
The Verdict: If Atmosphere is telling us to go play sand or beach volleyball, this is actually a genius insult. Anytime sand is involved, you know it clings to your skin like a first-time jet skier hanging on for dear life. Either way, it’s odd that the opposite of writing rap lyrics appears to be bumping, setting and spiking a ball around.
The Song: John Legend’s “All Of Me” Remix
The Line: “I hope that thang so good, make me thinkin’ about drinking your bath water.”
The Verdict: Ironically, John Legend, who penned the original song and is also featured here (as most remixes tend to go), is one of the more romantic lyricists out there. That’s what makes this line by Plies so vexing—there is nothing sexy about bath water. Its peak heat is best described as “tepid,” it usually features some kind of shampoo or soap floating around in it, and, oh yeah, it’s got whatever germs and disease your body has picked up over the past 24 hours or 15 days, however long you go in between cleaning yourself. On the bright side, Plies is just thinking about drinking bath water, and hasn’t actually done it. We can only hope.
11. Randy “Macho Man” Savage
The Song: “Be A Man”
The Line: “Your movies straight to video the box office can’t stand/While I got myself a feature role in Spider-Man.”
The Verdict: In a wonderful example of an athlete crossing over into the world of music, here we have the late Randy “Macho Man” Savage throwing out a diss song to his nemesis Hulk Hogan. This is a thing that actually exists. But the real concern is that Randy’s “feature” role is appearing as a wrestler. That’s not really a far stretch for him. And if we’re truly splitting hairs, Hogan also appeared in a movie (Rocky 3) showing off his acting chops by playing a…wrestler. The creativity in this whole situation is just mind-boggling.
12. 2 Chainz
The Song: Drake’s “All Me”
The Line: “My dick so hard it make the metal detector go off.”
The Verdict: This bonerrific claim really seems like more of an inconvenience that will delay you at the airport more than anything else. It’s like 2 Chainz made an ill-fated attempt to reference This Is Spinal Tap.
13. J. Cole
The Song: “Dollar and a Dream III”
The Line: “I let you think that you the shit, but boy you can’t out-fart me.”
The Verdict: The line before this ends with “you can’t outsmart me,” so I get the rhyme idea here. But bragging about being able to fart more than someone else? That just means you’re eating too many foods that cause gastrointestinal distress.
14. Juelz Santana
The Song: “Black Republicans”
The Line: “Rock star, I’m flyer than an ostrich.”
The Verdict: Pause reading this sentence for a moment and jump up into the air. Doesn’t matter if you got an inch off the ground or touched the ceiling, you were just flyer than an ostrich. Congratulations, you rock star.
The Song: “It’s Hot (Some Like It Hot)”
The Line: “Thirty-eight revolve like the sun around the earth.”
The Verdict: Science can be hard to grasp with all those elements, weird chemical reactions, biology, and laws of physics. Hova must have fallen asleep during his science classes in school. And probably through his history courses, too, because the fact that the earth revolves around the sun is a fairly basic lesson we learn early on in our education. Then again, he and Beyoncé have built a power couple empire that’s roughly as large as the sun, so nobody can fault him too much.