Ey! Well well well, look at you, sitting all nervous at the Planned Parenthood office. Who am I? Buddy, I’m your new best friend. It’s me! HPV!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don’t get freaked out! Look, buddy, I’m gonna be in your life at some point. I’m probably stinking up your genitals right now! 79 million Americans get to enjoy my presence. And guess what buddy—I’m not that bad. You probably won’t even know I’m there.
I’m not that bad! Like—maybe I can cause cervical cancer, but what are the chances? I barely show up, even though everyone has me more or less. I’m the most polite STD! Sorry, chlamydia! You look like a real asshole, now! Look, lots of stuff causes cancer, like inhaling in a parking lot or standing near the cast of Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll. It’s one word, imagine writing that title for your show! Being that kind of person is way worse than any STD! Haha, HPV is your catty best friend too! Let’s have mimosas! You can still drink those with HPV. One of the big rumors is you have to drink through your dick and pussy if you get me! No! Put that away, Danielle!
Now, let’s be honest buddy, you’re a loser if you don’t have HPV. If you don’t have HPV you’re a big weird virgin. Your healthy genitals—baby soft from unuse. I would rather have every strain of HPV than be a virgin—the one thing they tell you isn’t shameful, but actually is deeply shameful. If you get me, you got proof you fucked. Whoa! Is HPV cool as shit now!? Yes. HPV is cool as shit now. Did you know Jello Biafra has 7 strains of me, probably? Kids like Jello Biafra right?
Who’s Jello Biafra!? Who’s Jello Biafra!?!? Get outta here!
I wish I could get HPV! Too bad I am HPV! Hahaha. Actually, I wish I could fuck in general. Germs can’t fuck. This isn’t what the article’s about. I have ADHD. Germs can get that. PTSD too. Germs just get bad mental health diseases. I hope those remain stigmatized! Haha!
Anyway, listen. HPV is fine. Everyone’s got it, and everyone should be proud of it. A body crawling with disease is the result of a life well lived. It means you were unafraid to connect with people. That’s true of a lot of these STD’s.
Like, herpes isn’t that bad either. People are so afraid of a few little warts or bumps. Like you wouldn’t already have those without STDs, you big weirdo. I saw you go through puberty. You know who has warts and bumps? Zits McKenzie! And he’s living his dream! He’s a party zit monster! He’s also fake! What, you think a party zit monster is real!? Get outta here you goober! Why I oughta!
Pull down your pants and let HPV spank your bottom for believing in Zits McKenzie, the party zit monster! Spank! Spank! Spaaaaaank!
Now where were we… Sure, there are going to be weirdoes who are big weirdoes about HPV. But here’s the secret of the big weirdoes about HPV—they’re big weirdoes! Why they shtuppin’ you without a rubber anyway if they’re so scared?! That’s right, I know Yiddish! All STDs know Yiddish! And Polish! And a touch of the fake language Doop from the X-Men talks in!
Who’s Doop from the X-Men!? Who’s Doop from the X-Men!? That’s it! Time for your second spanking of the article! I’d be much more embarrassed of getting double spanked than getting me! Spank! Spank! Spaaaank!
Now where was I. Oh yeah, warts and bumps. Look, you filthy millennials, if you didn’t want to get warts and bumps you wouldn’t be buying clothes from Buffalo Exchange. Or leaving your house at all, honestly! You’re always at risk of getting scratched or bitten. At the end of any year, no matter what you do, your body will look like Batman’s costume at the end of the Arkham Asylum videogame—all battle worn from just whatever journey you went through in those twelve months.
We relate. We compare bruises and scars and stories. And then we cum in each others’ butts and pussies to deal with it, and that’s great. So remember—
Wait—who’s Batman!? You don’t know who Batman is!?!?!? WHAT!?!? Pull down your pants one more time, you’re getting extra spanked this time!!!!!!
Look, spanking aside, I’m fine! Go get tested and then deal with it normally if you got something! Cuz none of us are that big a deal anymore. Especially, me! HPV! And remember. Jello Biafra and Doop are very normal references that everyone gets. In that way they are a lot like me. Good-bye.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Alex Firer has written for The Onion, Splitsider, Funny or Die and more. He’s on Twitter @AlexFirer.