Look, the reviews are in, and Suicide Squad was not well received. Neither was Batman vs. Superman. Consequently, at this point I don’t think it hyperbolic to say a pattern of failure has appeared and as more and more big budget superhero movies come out at an ever increasing rate, the future of superhero movies has never been more in danger than it is right now. Ticket sales are declining, budgets are increasing, and the traditional goat sacrifices that the Hollywood Illuminati have relied on to bolster their summer tent pole blockbusters are providing smaller and smaller returns with each movie released. That data is there. People, I said it in 2012 and 2015, and I’ll say it again right now: the superhero bubble is about to burst. What’s different this year, is that it’s definitely going to happen this time. Trust me.
So, with doomsday looming (not Superman villain Doomsday. Batman vs. Superman is already behind us!) we need to take decisive action. Why wait until the boat starts sinking to get in the life raft? I say we abandon superhero movies before they can hit the iceberg! Let us take control of our movie-watching destinies for once and jump on a trend before it can jump on us! Follow me my fellow cinephiles, to the future of cinema!
1. Remakes
Let’s brainstorm a bit. Ok. People are getting disillusioned super heroes and these flashy new ways to depict them on screen. There is just too much that’s new about them, and that’s getting old. So instead, maybe we can focus on what has worked before? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I mean, update it of course. Put more explosions in. That’s a given. But in general, I think this is a sound proposition with no downsides.
I mean, I guess a lot of remakes have already been made. And I guess that a lot of people would say they’re just as dull and repetitive as super heroes, if not worse. Hmm. Perhaps overhauling an entire country’s cultural interests and desires will take more thought that previously expect. That’s fine, no bad ideas in a brainstorm!
2. Book Adaptations
Why invent the wheel? There are so many movies out there that are “fresh takes” or “new ideas” that the creativity is frankly suffocating. Instead, let’s just take refuge in the familiarity of books that we’ve all read. I know, there may be some skepticism at first; literature and cinema do not seem compatible. What with books’ focus on substance and nuance and other boring nerd pursuits, while movies are a celebration of freedom and America and things that make us awesome. I know. But follow my logic for a second: The best part of being an early adopter is how smug you feel. Who loves feeling smug? Nerds. Who loves books? Nerds. How can we pass up such an obvious intersection? No matter how bitter it may be, we’ll have to suck it up in order to make survive the forthcoming Armageddon (Not the Michael Bay, Bruce Willis movie. The real life one happening to real life movie goers).
One hundred movies!? Damn nerds, you took over! Did this just happen? Is this new? Am I out of touch?
No. It’s the nerds who are.
3. The Competitive Teen Dystopia Genre
So we need to get more specific. Of course we can’t just say “comedy” or “drama” or “book adaptation”! We need to drill down a bit more. So ok, let’s channel our feelings of dread and our fear that nothing with ever be the same again by setting more movies in a desolate wasteland! Ha! And what about the youth!? Let us use them to attract more youths, get more butts in the seats, generate more money, and save movies as an art medium! But of course we need a through line, connective tissue that explains what those teens are doing in the apocalypse. Blood sport! Competition to the death! Murdering the youth will surely curry favor with old people! Now all we have to do is get the American public to embrace this new—
Ok. Well, The Hunger Games happened. Alright. A vanguard of a new genre—and Maze Runner and Divergent. Apparently, Ready Player One is on its way?
So maybe it’s a crowded field already. Fair enough. Note taken.
4. Cool Mustaches
Fine, Teen Dystopia is already a populated field, already played out. Ok, so now it’s about hitting that sweet spot. It’s about finding that one weird quirky theme that connects the movies, gives them a unifying idea to rally around, but is still universal enough to dethrone super hero movies as the hottest genre in movie making. That’s what makes “Cool Mustaches” such a brilliant idea. Is that not such an enticing category of movies? Everybody loves a cool mustache! But, at the same time, how could anyone have every thought of that before, right? It’s simultaneously approachable, yet specific. It’s perfect. This is my final choice for New King Genre.
5. Movies that Carroll Nussbaum of Gurdon, Arkansas would like
Ok. Ok, ok, ok. You people want specific? You want granular? You want movies made that could not possibly have been overdone, or tired or worn out? Well, fine! I want to introduce you to Carroll Nussbaum, the new head of making movies here in the United States! You happy!? Carroll is a very nice lady who is very kind and has a lovely home. She has a husband, Jeremy, who she met in high school, reconnected with later in life, and together they have raised two beautiful kids, Max and Susan. They’re a lovely family, she’s a lovely woman, and she’ll make some really lovely movies. Ok!? That’s what you get! If you don’t want my ideas! If you think they’re dumb! Then you can have Carroll! Apparently, she is soooo much better at guiding 813 million people towards what they want to watch than I am, so whatever!
6. No Movies! None at all!
I’m done. I give up. That’s it. Super hero movies are going to die and we along with them. That’s just how it has to be. That’s the fate of Western movie making. You know, some things live on, such as the art of dance, theatre, and fine art, while some things die, like doing the Bart-man, and movies as a viable category for the exploration of the human soul. I’m starting to make peace with this. I mean, sure the Hollywood Illuminati will be steamed, but I’m sure they’ll land on their feet.
7. The Petti Genre
No! I’m not going to give into despair! Cameron Petti doesn’t give up so easily!
So apparently there is no genre of movies that doesn’t exist. Fine. It just means I need to make a drastic move: I shall make my own genre! The Petti Genre; named after its founder and first auteur Cameron Petti! It will be a most elegant and brilliant category of movies this world has ever seen! It will be the perfect synthesis of every other genre that has come before it. The movies will explore themes of desolation, like the teen dystopias. The world as we know it is gone after some cataclysmic, uh, weather event. So the ice caps melted and the world is flooded. Humanity survives though, but with a drastic reduction of technology. Gone are the cold technologies of today, back to more traditional modes of transportation depicted in all those adaptations of books from the 1800s! Like boats! All the movies in the Petti Genre will have boats to use in this water! But it’ll still have hip, quirky nuance like tattoos. Yeah. Tattoos are cool, they can play a central role in these movies, perhaps a key, or maybe map of sorts. And let us not ignore the success of the superheroes that came before us. In the Petti Genre, people will have powers, but they’ll be grounded, not big flashy Iron Man, so wouldn’t it make sense that a man would have gills in this world of water?
Fuck.
I came up with Waterworld. Damnit.
8. Let’s Just do Remakes
Screw it. We’re over thinking this. Let’s just go back to that first idea pump out Ghostbusters movies. No one could ever get tired of that.
Movies saved!
Cameron Petti is a Chicago-land native. He’s currently attempting to survive off of freelance theatre work, and hasn’t had to eat too much cat food to achieve this goal. Check out how happy and full of life Cameron is on tumblr and twitter.