The embargo on Cats reviews lifted on Wednesday night, around the time the House’s impeachment vote was happening, and there’s simply no way that was a coincidence. By all accounts, Tom Hooper’s new, CGI-assisted (using the word “assist” super loosely here) adaptation of the inexplicable Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is pure nightmare fuel from frame one, like something a horny zookeeper would see on a disastrously bad acid trip—reactions have ranged from “Fuck no” to “100% fuck no”—so why not let film critics lose their minds all over the place online while the president is being impeached? The people behind Cats are nothing if not agents of chaos, and though their unholy movie has driven a specific corner of the internet completely and irreversibly mad, we can at least wring some chuckles out of all that psychological anguish. In that spirit, and in the spirit of the holiday season, we give you the gift of these Cats tweets. May they provide some comfort to you as our country descends into similar ghastliness.
if you’re judging by how many times i mumbled “wow…” after leaving the theater, cats is exactly as good as parasite
— brian david gilbert (@briamgilbert) December 19, 2019
Glad to report that Cats is everything you’d hoped for and more: a mesmerisingly ugly fiasco that makes you feel like your brain is being eaten by a parasite. A viewing experience so stressful that it honestly brought on a migraine.
— Robbie Collin (@robbiereviews) December 19, 2019
True story: I got home after seeing CATS and couldn’t look my own cat in the face for a good hour or two
— jen yamato (@jenyamato) December 19, 2019
If you see Cats at a 4DX theater the ushers will occasionally claw you and throw handfuls of catnip in your face.
— Mark Lisanti (@marklisanti) December 19, 2019
How wild is CATS? At one point, the colleague I sat next to literally leaned back in their seat and moaned “Stooooop! Stoooooop!”
CATS had broken their mind, now and forever.