The Funniest Cats Tweets
Image via Universal Pictures
The embargo on Cats reviews lifted on Wednesday night, around the time the House’s impeachment vote was happening, and there’s simply no way that was a coincidence. By all accounts, Tom Hooper’s new, CGI-assisted (using the word “assist” super loosely here) adaptation of the inexplicable Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is pure nightmare fuel from frame one, like something a horny zookeeper would see on a disastrously bad acid trip—reactions have ranged from “Fuck no” to “100% fuck no”—so why not let film critics lose their minds all over the place online while the president is being impeached? The people behind Cats are nothing if not agents of chaos, and though their unholy movie has driven a specific corner of the internet completely and irreversibly mad, we can at least wring some chuckles out of all that psychological anguish. In that spirit, and in the spirit of the holiday season, we give you the gift of these Cats tweets. May they provide some comfort to you as our country descends into similar ghastliness.
if you’re judging by how many times i mumbled “wow…” after leaving the theater, cats is exactly as good as parasite
— brian david gilbert (@briamgilbert) December 19, 2019
Glad to report that Cats is everything you’d hoped for and more: a mesmerisingly ugly fiasco that makes you feel like your brain is being eaten by a parasite. A viewing experience so stressful that it honestly brought on a migraine.
— Robbie Collin (@robbiereviews) December 19, 2019
True story: I got home after seeing CATS and couldn’t look my own cat in the face for a good hour or two
— jen yamato (@jenyamato) December 19, 2019
If you see Cats at a 4DX theater the ushers will occasionally claw you and throw handfuls of catnip in your face.
— Mark Lisanti (@marklisanti) December 19, 2019
How wild is CATS? At one point, the colleague I sat next to literally leaned back in their seat and moaned “Stooooop! Stoooooop!”
CATS had broken their mind, now and forever.
— Matt Singer (@mattsinger) December 19, 2019
CATS is pure nightmare fuel. The rejects from The Island of Dr. Moreau putting on a show is bad enough, but add to that more crotch shots than a Michael Bay movie and every imaginable pun…and that still won’t prepare you for the hellscape that is children faces CGIed onto mice.
— Jenelle Riley (@jenelleriley) December 19, 2019
I never knew Tom Hooper was capable of making a surrealist nightmare that would rival Jodorowsky, that could baffle David Lynch, that would prompt even the dark god Cthulhu to emit an impressed eldritch shriek of “nehehehehehe”
— Kyle Buchanan (@kylebuchanan) December 19, 2019
Watching CATS is like stumbling upon an unholy and heretofore unknown genre of porn. Every time these horny fur demons tongue a milk bowl and start moaning I was certain the FBI would raid the theater
— Kyle Buchanan (@kylebuchanan) December 19, 2019
The most daring thing about CATS is that they left all of Rebel Wilson and James Corden’s improvs in
— Kyle Buchanan (@kylebuchanan) December 19, 2019
has tom hooper ever seen a cat
— karen han (@karenyhan) December 19, 2019
Should I see CATS alone on Friday night, or just walk directly into jail
— Timmy Williams (@timmyisanerd) December 19, 2019
this is my review of cats pic.twitter.com/88o4dt7b1b
— David Farrier (@davidfarrier) December 19, 2019
CATS publicist trying to get my reaction to give back to the studio: What did you think of the movie?
Me: Just write down, “Open brackets, anguished scream, close brackets.”
Publicist: ….I’m just going to put you down as a negative reaction.
— Matt Goldberg (@MattGoldberg) December 18, 2019
Me watching CATS pic.twitter.com/RtuxKccrSR
— Hanna Ines Flint (@HannaFlint) December 19, 2019
Weird that none of the first CATS reactions have mentioned the scene where Catherine Zeta Jones runs on screen, as herself, and says “Get outta here, you cats! You’re all cats and I hate you for it!”
— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) December 17, 2019
songs that should be in cats:
hold me like a babypet me until i bite youOHHH LOOK A BOXi threw up on your socks and i’ll do it againdon’t you dare look at meLOOK AT ME!!!
– here is my butt, in your face, fuck you— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 19, 2019
“So, is there a Mrs. Mistoffelees?”
— Charles Bramesco (@intothecrevasse) December 19, 2019
So, the embargo is up! CATS is an absolute masterpiece. Subtle, poignant, with incredible special effects work that will leave you breathless. Jason DeRulo & Taylor Swift steal this movie and deserve awards nods. This just shot up to the top of my 2019 Best Of list. #CatsMovie
— Dave Schilling (@dave_schilling) December 19, 2019
Anyway, time to rank the CATS of CATS:
— Hannah Woodhead (@goodjobliz) December 19, 2019
will be processing this for a while pic.twitter.com/1PMfpoxpGZ
— Russ Fischer (@russfischer) December 19, 2019
Pleased to add Cats to the long list of movies I will not see unless I’m in a truly deranged mood on a plane in 2020
— Sam Dean (@SamAugustDean) December 18, 2019
why even choose between a mediocre space movie and a mediocre cats movie pic.twitter.com/TUCHR3qqC0
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 19, 2019
you know that part in Joker when he gives up trying to be a “person” “living” in a “society” and just embraces his inner chaos demon
that was me watching Cats
— Angie J. Han (@ajhan) December 19, 2019
“Cats is a 110-minute exercise in disbelieving your own eyes, in feeling yourself becoming gradually unmoored from basic concepts like “time” and “space” and “reality.” Have you ever wondered what it feels like to try and gaslight yourself? Watch Cats, and you might get a taste.” https://t.co/e6EtuiImTv
— Steven Santos (@stevensantos) December 19, 2019
Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not Jellicles can and Jellicles do, they didn’t stop to think if Jellicles should.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) December 19, 2019
the CATS team carefully lining up the embargo lift with impeachment pic.twitter.com/Iwri754r19
— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) December 19, 2019
Jason Derulo did not literally sing “Jason Derulo” in #CATS. But on a deeper, purer, hornier level, he absolutely did. pic.twitter.com/dAw52uZZrN
— Erin Strecker (@ErinStrecker) December 19, 2019
Uh, #Cats is kinda great? Everything that seemed weird in the trailers just melts away when you’re watching the film. It’s magical and just plain works with the sole exception of Taylor Swift’s original song about the cats devouring the corpse of an old woman who died in her flat
— ben mekler (@benmekler) December 17, 2019
The year is 2032. Cats has won Best Picture for the 12th time in a row. Mr. Mistoffelees is entering his second term as President. The uncensored Jason Derulo cut is finally getting a release and world peace has been achieved.
— Zach Kornfeld (@korndiddy) December 18, 2019
My entire body is vibrating with excitement. pic.twitter.com/POwCkazWui
— Zach Kornfeld (@korndiddy) December 19, 2019
The moment Ian McKellan scream-meowed “YAMYAMYAM” was the moment I left my body for good
— CarolineD Framke (@carolineframke) December 17, 2019
— Micavity Arbucketty (@micarbeiter) December 18, 2019
There are moments in CATS I would gladly pay to unsee, including baby mice with the faces of human girls and a chorus line of cockroach Rockettes. Anyone who takes small children to this movie is setting them up for winged-monkey levels of night terrors.https://t.co/W1CAKOcNeP
— Ty Burr (@tyburr) December 19, 2019
Words all film critics dream of writing pic.twitter.com/1Ib6daDp48
— Alison Willmore (@alisonwillmore) December 19, 2019
Incredible to me that you put all your actors through “cat school” and not once in 110 minutes do they bat something off a countertop, just to be an asshole.
— Scott Tobias (@scott_tobias) December 19, 2019
#Cats is like if The Room had been made by competent actors and filmmakers who theoretically know what they’re doing, which is to say that it TECHNICALLY resembles a movie, and stars some people you recognize, but its grasp on this plane of reality is tenuous at best. (So, CATS!)
— Laura Prudom (@LauInLA) December 19, 2019
CATS has ALL the cats: Fiddleshanks, Gazinga, Tom-Tom Brutus, Chinswallop, Cherry Terry, Captain Garlic, Digglepuss, Bedlumpkin, Mungus, Muzzlewitch, Ol’ Tiresias, Sesame the Coffee Cat, Dogsbody, Nombulrina, Belizebub, Majolalorum, Recent Abraham
— Ignatiy Vishnevetsky (@vishnevetsky) December 19, 2019
CATS movie my tweets
“way too horny”
“bewildering” https://t.co/WPVP6btQTN— Skoog (@Skoog) December 19, 2019
Cats should be seen and it should not be seen. It is the test of our time, the mettle of men, and is a gauge to see if you can continue to grasp your sense of reality. It is both a blessing and a curse. A warning to countless generations untold. A nightmare.
— Evan (@EVComedy) December 19, 2019
Me walking into Cats vs. me walking out of Cats, irrecoverably changed, two hours later. More here: https://t.co/13e2Rs5RAzpic.twitter.com/JMXPWGlVBD
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) December 19, 2019
Reading these reviews, and my new theory is that CATS is what Ephraim Winslow saw in the light at the the end of The Lighthouse.
— Chris Tonick (@Chris_Tonick) December 19, 2019
The CATS embargo has lifted so I can finally say that I will never see or discuss the movie CATS.
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) December 19, 2019
i hate that when i’m asked if i remember what i was doing when donald trump got impeached i’m going to have to say yes, i was reading reviews of ‘cats’
— morgan sung (@morgan_sung) December 19, 2019