The embargo on Cats reviews lifted on Wednesday night, around the time the House’s impeachment vote was happening, and there’s simply no way that was a coincidence. By all accounts, Tom Hooper’s new, CGI-assisted (using the word “assist” super loosely here) adaptation of the inexplicable Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is pure nightmare fuel from frame one, like something a horny zookeeper would see on a disastrously bad acid trip—reactions have ranged from “Fuck no” to “100% fuck no”—so why not let film critics lose their minds all over the place online while the president is being impeached? The people behind Cats are nothing if not agents of chaos, and though their unholy movie has driven a specific corner of the internet completely and irreversibly mad, we can at least wring some chuckles out of all that psychological anguish. In that spirit, and in the spirit of the holiday season, we give you the gift of these Cats tweets. May they provide some comfort to you as our country descends into similar ghastliness.
if you’re judging by how many times i mumbled “wow…” after leaving the theater, cats is exactly as good as parasite
Glad to report that Cats is everything you’d hoped for and more: a mesmerisingly ugly fiasco that makes you feel like your brain is being eaten by a parasite. A viewing experience so stressful that it honestly brought on a migraine.
CATS is pure nightmare fuel. The rejects from The Island of Dr. Moreau putting on a show is bad enough, but add to that more crotch shots than a Michael Bay movie and every imaginable pun…and that still won’t prepare you for the hellscape that is children faces CGIed onto mice.
I never knew Tom Hooper was capable of making a surrealist nightmare that would rival Jodorowsky, that could baffle David Lynch, that would prompt even the dark god Cthulhu to emit an impressed eldritch shriek of “nehehehehehe”
Watching CATS is like stumbling upon an unholy and heretofore unknown genre of porn. Every time these horny fur demons tongue a milk bowl and start moaning I was certain the FBI would raid the theater
Weird that none of the first CATS reactions have mentioned the scene where Catherine Zeta Jones runs on screen, as herself, and says “Get outta here, you cats! You’re all cats and I hate you for it!”
songs that should be in cats: hold me like a baby pet me until i bite you OHHH LOOK A BOX i threw up on your socks and i’ll do it again don’t you dare look at me LOOK AT ME!!! – here is my butt, in your face, fuck you
So, the embargo is up! CATS is an absolute masterpiece. Subtle, poignant, with incredible special effects work that will leave you breathless. Jason DeRulo & Taylor Swift steal this movie and deserve awards nods. This just shot up to the top of my 2019 Best Of list. #CatsMovie
“Cats is a 110-minute exercise in disbelieving your own eyes, in feeling yourself becoming gradually unmoored from basic concepts like “time” and “space” and “reality.” Have you ever wondered what it feels like to try and gaslight yourself? Watch Cats, and you might get a taste.” https://t.co/e6EtuiImTv
Uh, #Cats is kinda great? Everything that seemed weird in the trailers just melts away when you’re watching the film. It’s magical and just plain works with the sole exception of Taylor Swift’s original song about the cats devouring the corpse of an old woman who died in her flat
The year is 2032. Cats has won Best Picture for the 12th time in a row. Mr. Mistoffelees is entering his second term as President. The uncensored Jason Derulo cut is finally getting a release and world peace has been achieved.
There are moments in CATS I would gladly pay to unsee, including baby mice with the faces of human girls and a chorus line of cockroach Rockettes. Anyone who takes small children to this movie is setting them up for winged-monkey levels of night terrors.https://t.co/W1CAKOcNeP
Incredible to me that you put all your actors through “cat school” and not once in 110 minutes do they bat something off a countertop, just to be an asshole.
#Cats is like if The Room had been made by competent actors and filmmakers who theoretically know what they’re doing, which is to say that it TECHNICALLY resembles a movie, and stars some people you recognize, but its grasp on this plane of reality is tenuous at best. (So, CATS!)
Cats should be seen and it should not be seen. It is the test of our time, the mettle of men, and is a gauge to see if you can continue to grasp your sense of reality. It is both a blessing and a curse. A warning to countless generations untold. A nightmare.
i hate that when i’m asked if i remember what i was doing when donald trump got impeached i’m going to have to say yes, i was reading reviews of ‘cats’
