I watched some of today’s impeachment hearings. I had some opinions about it. A lot of those opinions were best expressed by people I don’t know on Twitter. Here are a whole bunch of those?
I find it increasingly impossible to expect any good to ever come out of politics in this country. The Republicans might represent a decreasing percentage of Americans, but the nature of this system ensures that they’ll still make up close to 50% of all elected officials. And with the party shedding whatever vestigial responsibility it might’ve felt to this country, its constitution, and the rule of law—while also successfully building a massive multimedia apparatus whose sole job is misleading its audience and preserving the party’s power—we’re basically dealing with a system that’s become fundamentally disingenuous and self-serving. Yeah, things have always been bad, and I fully remember the abject misery of the George W. Bush years, but all that terrible business was leading up to one end result, which is this current Trump Administration. It’s an openly lawless presidency that has retained the full, unflinching support of its shameless party and most of a voter base that is impossible to reason with. Nothing will become of these hearings, no matter how open and shut they are, no matter how damning the evidence is, unless the Republican party does what is literally unthinkable today and hold Trump accountable. The whole thing is sad and stressful and simply not funny.
So hey, here are some jokes.
If you can’t joke about the most depressing, deflating, defeating topics, what’s the point of joking about anything? I think I learned that in a class somewhere. (Could be in the Bible?) Here are some tweets that, when separated from the soul-sapping malaise we’re all currently drowning in, are actually kind of smart or funny or even both. Let’s read over them, one by one, while we wait for whatever bit of ignominy is coming down the Trump turnpike next.
I don’t envy the person in charge of jingling a set of keys to distract Trump from tweeting all day. They should probably take turns and jingle in shifts. #ImpeachmentHearings
Absolutely disgusting that the Democrats set an impeachment trap for the president by just sitting and waiting for him to commit a completely unnecessary crime
savvy of schiff to only call witnesses that have soothing, authoritative voices, bad news for republicans whose only witnesses are a screech owl, jared kushner, and one of those machines designed to keep teens from loitering by playing a noise so high only young people can hear
It is bad that documentaries on the Watergate Hearings only show sharp interesting questioning by the ultimately heroic figures rather than boring dumb questioning by dopes just trying to keep Nixon in office at all costs because it allowed us to forget how many of them did it
It’s very funny to hear a lawyer explain in very serious tones that “the President was concerned…” Concerned? my dude doesn’t do ‘concerned’ he does ‘lie brag’ and ‘shit fit.’
my current theory is that Jim Jordan DOES wear a jacket but other congressmen steal it every morning because they hate him & they want him to look like an idiot.
However you feel politically, I think we can all come together as a people and extend our sympathies to the muscles trying desperately to keep Rudy Giuliani’s eyeballs in his skull today.
Writing in a cafe in Hollywood. They have the impeachment hearing on a big TV, full volume. Jeremy Piven came in, sat down, ordered a granola bowl, and starting yelling answers at the screen. Then he finished his granola and left.
Democratic Congresspersons all look like they answered a casting call for former student body presidents & Republican Congresspersons all look like they rolled off of a 7-11 hot dog cooker, came to life & immediately got arrested for squeezing a woman’s buttcheeks on the subway.
UPDATE: The Congressman who sued a fictional cow would like to stop the impeachment hearings until Democrats allow him to investigate all his conspiracy theories
A fun thing I’ve learned from Republicans is that I can try all the crimes I want, and as long as none of them is successful, or someone publicly tells people I’m trying them before I do them, I can’t be convicted of anything. There’s nothing wrong with trying to do crimes!
