The Funniest Tweets about the Royal Wedding
All photos courtesy of Getty Images Comedy Features Royal Wedding
Good news, Royal Wedding fans: we fought back our overpowering natural urge of “JESUS CHRIST WHO GIVES A SHIT” just long enough to embed a bunch of tweets into Movable Type and then hit the publish button. (Just the way Horace Greeley would’ve done it.)
Today Meghan Markle, American star of Hallmark Channel Original Move Dater’s Handbook, married England’s Prince Harry, the one who wore that Nazi armband that time. It’s a tale as old as time: the inbred grandson of an unjustifiably rich figurehead falls in love with a simple, small-town, basic cable TV star from Los Angeles, and whisks her away to a quaint island kingdom to live as a weird, irresponsible relic from the literal Dark Ages. It’s the stuff the kind of movies Markle would star in are made of, and rest assured your parents will be watching dozens of those based on this very day on Lifetime and Hallmark and We TV in the very near future.
You know this celebrity wedding in another country is important because it’s all anybody on American TV is talking about less than one day after another school shooting.
Highlights from the wedding included celebrities and cameras and TV people and food. Bishop Michael Curry, the first African-American to become the head of the Episcopal Church, gave a legitimately good sermon that we won’t even try to make fun of. Idris Elba and Oprah were there. They did not have a moment of silence for Mark E. Smith, but it would have probably resulted in some great Mark E. Smith lyrics if he was still around.
It also inspired some pretty good tweets, ones totally worth waking up a little bit earlier than expected on a Saturday morning to embed into our CMS. This is part of my job at Paste Magazine, a website. I like to think I’m pretty good at it.
I think the reason most people are so drawn to the royal wedding is that it’s a reminder that if you’re an unbelievably good looking woman someday you may meet a legacy billionaire full of recessive traits
— A Jazzy 1973 Eyes Of The World (@mattytalks) May 18, 2018
just saying ¯(?)/¯ pic.twitter.com/1zoOGFKeU3
— BBC Three (@bbcthree) May 19, 2018
All this fanfare, all this beauty. But what of little Toby, secret deformed brother of Harry and William, watching the wedding alone, peering out from the dizzying eaves of St. George’s Chapel, his yellow eyes flashing! Is he not a Prince!?!? #RoyalWedding#Toby
— jon (@jondaly) May 19, 2018
just got a sneak preview of what they’ll be serving at the royal wedding… honestly I’m a little surprised pic.twitter.com/K9EpfRg3k6
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) May 18, 2018
only royal wedding I care about pic.twitter.com/gLPL4Qr60E
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 18, 2018
Megyn Kelly kicked off America’s royal wedding coverage today by discussing how many people would have to die for Meghan Markle to become queen. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why the rest of the world thinks us Americans are a bunch of weird violent crazy people.
— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) May 18, 2018
I know the fashion must look strange to American eyes but you have to admire the majesty and ceremony of these British traditions #RoyalWeddingpic.twitter.com/IeR8d8FPnk
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 19, 2018
I’ve got a bad feeling about this#RoyalWeddingpic.twitter.com/QBEnMlcdh7
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 19, 2018
normal people: wow the Royal Wedding is magic, Meghan Markle’s dress is so beautiful
me: how is Meghan not stress-puking right now? is she okay— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) May 19, 2018
My goal is to try and sleep through the 3 different alarms my wife has set for 4:00am so she can watch the royal wedding
— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 19, 2018
“I’m waking up to watch the royal wedding” -Psychopath
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 19, 2018
Yeah but how do I make the Royal Wedding about me?
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) May 19, 2018
I don’t even want to watch the weddings I get invited to
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 19, 2018
AWKWARD! Paul McCartney is at the wedding and they’ve seated him next to Mark David Chapman ???????
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 19, 2018
There’s truly nothing I love more than an unsmiling, uptight English person in a ridiculous hat. This wedding is my Mecca #RoyalWedding
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) May 19, 2018
If you’re attending the royal wedding by hiding behind a tapestry you have to tell me
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 19, 2018
Never thought it would take a #RoyalWedding for me to learn a Pretty Little Liar married a Suit.
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) May 19, 2018
Meghan Markle is living every young girl’s dream: to be a Deal Or No Deal model, then do some other things after that
— Matt Kirshen (@mattkirshen) May 19, 2018
RT if you agree that the hardworking British taxpayer is paying for this wedding, so it’s only right that the public should get to watch Harry and Meghan fuck on the backseat of James Corden’s car while he tunelessly belts out Wonderwall
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 19, 2018
The Royal Wedding feels familiar to Americans because we’re used to crowds of upper crust assholes cheering on a Duke
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) May 19, 2018
Hell yeah I’m gonna watch The Royal Wedding pic.twitter.com/lDCp3wwdVr
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) May 18, 2018
Y’all issa black wedding and I am heeeeere for it.
I can’t believe I was planning to sleep through this shit!#YallBettaSang
— Retta (@unfoRETTAble) May 19, 2018
How the Queen sees Windsor Castle after that black choir performance. #RoyalWeddingpic.twitter.com/1vpltcaqt3
— Travon Free (@Travon) May 19, 2018
Trying to imagine the string of tragedies that would have to befall a person before they woke up one day excited about a royal wedding.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) May 19, 2018
I don’t care about the Royals or Weddings but it turns out I don’t care about them slightly less than I don’t care about Pokemon.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) May 19, 2018
Vince McMahon voice IT’S THE ROYAL WEDDING
— Duke Of Success (@keisertroll) May 19, 2018
Despite all the crazy stuff that’s happened this year, the most unexpected sentence is still “cast of ‘Suits’ arrives at Royal Wedding”
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 19, 2018
We do royal weddings way better here in America pic.twitter.com/JDuLGQqfZA
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 19, 2018
I think mostly people are excited about today because it’s a destination wedding they don’t have to travel for.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 19, 2018
Sorry, but the only #RoyalWedding THIS GUY cares about is the one between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, happening right now.
— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) May 19, 2018
the closest i came to watching the #royalwedding was watching a couple of episodes of “Victorian Slum House” last night, a British reality TV show where 3 families live the life of 19th century Dickensian wretches trapped in an economic apocalypse they do not understand
— John DeVore (@JohnDeVore) May 19, 2018
I have exactly zero questions about the royal wedding https://t.co/hY0ahrMUsx
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 19, 2018
black brits and americans during the royal wedding pic.twitter.com/rApxVQt6dQ
— Ziwe (@ziwe) May 19, 2018
BRITISH PERSON: Do you have royal weddings in America?
ME: A reality star that pushes pro-body dysmorphia products married a rapper who said slavery was a choice
BRITISH PERSON: Is that a yes?
ME: Honestly, I don’t know— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 19, 2018
All I’m saying is that my wedding was better than this one because we had the ceremony and reception in the same building, and it was right by the hotel we got a block in too.
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) May 19, 2018