The Funniest Tweets of the Week

What a week. We had a Christmas, a Hanukkah, more ridiculous political nonsense to remind us that yes everything is still terrible, and even a new Star War, which people absolutely can not shut the hell up about for some reason (for real: nobody cares about your Star Wars opinions). RAD TIMES at the decade’s close. The best, worst and only thing most of us can do to deal with situations of this type is by tweeting some bad jokes about ‘em, so let’s go ahead and check out the best of that bunch. Feel free to like ‘em all and follow all of the people who wrote ‘em. And good luck with the last few days of this dying, worthless decade—hopefully the ‘20s won’t be so dire.

The average age of Ray Donovan fans is dead.

— Thick Cave & the Bad Tweets (@TimDuffy) December 27, 2019

Scott Baio is so mad about Canada censoring Trump in Home Alone 2 that he refuses to use Canadian bacon when he make morning subs for customers at Subway.

— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) December 27, 2019

what the hell happened in The Descendants 2 pic.twitter.com/hIuXq90p3i

— lauren (@LLW902) December 26, 2019

Chick-Fil-A is a nickname, of course. The full name is Chicken Philip Abraham

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— donni saphire (@donni) December 27, 2019

11 days in Japan. Countless public restrooms. Never did I encounter a single drop of piss on a seat. I joyfully sat down raw every time.

— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) December 26, 2019

i have received evidence that i believe will lead to the arrest and conviction of charles entertainment cheese

— goth mothra (@acechhh) December 26, 2019

i used to think that you could just idly watch Star Wars and enjoy it and then think about other things. this site has taught me that that’s a mistake and I’m an oaf for going “that was fun, what are we having for dinner”

— rachel millman (@rachelmillman) December 26, 2019

This is the water
And this is the well pic.twitter.com/FtFuwtMwk9

— Sebastian Stirling (@newartillery) December 26, 2019

pic.twitter.com/XGaT6B3ThN

— Alex Kane (@alexjkane) December 26, 2019

many people are mad at me for observing that because he works Christmas and all of his movements are tracked by the US government, Santa is Muslim

— yennefer of vengabus (@AliceAvizandum) December 25, 2019

The scene in DIE HARD when John McClane finally meets Carl Winslow is exactly what’s it’s like when you meet someone from twitter in real life.

— BenDavid Grabinski (@bdgrabinski) December 25, 2019

I can’t explain my logic but if your childhood bedroom is still intact your family is rich.

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) December 26, 2019

“i’m rey.”
“rey who?”

“rey liotta.”

— blaine on the shelf (@blainecapatch) December 26, 2019

People joke about Mayor Pete, but he checks all the electability boxes: gay, probably has killed at least a few people in Central Asia, believes in nothing.

— The Yule Log Archipelago. (@ThomasAwful) December 25, 2019

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) December 26, 2019

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WHY THE FUCK IS THE UBER HELICOPTER THE CHEAPEST OPTION pic.twitter.com/sfemdDsoC0

— nicole loves harry (@nicoleej0hnson) December 23, 2019

Ah, the yearly night I sneak into a rich person’s home draped in chains, scream them awake, and claim I’m their old friend in hell

— Matt Braunger (@Braunger) December 24, 2019

You gotta think that when Charles Dickens published A Christmas Story in 1844 a bunch of dudes named Ebenezer must have been like “oh, great. wonderful. thanks a lot.”

— Jingle Elle Maruska (they/them) (@ellle_em) December 24, 2019

No restaurant sounds like it’s hiding something more than Legal Seafoods

— winter jerk (@rajandelman) December 23, 2019

Why were people surprised that Scorsese doesn’t like superhero movies? His (possibly autobiographical) film Cape Fear is about a man who is very afraid of capes.

— MKupperman (@MKupperman) December 23, 2019

Showing up at a stranger’s barn in Bethlehem with your buddies and a bunch of frankincense like pic.twitter.com/Zn3UVJ9VeR

— kris kringles in your area! (@babadookspinoza) December 23, 2019

pic.twitter.com/Zb2kQOXqPF

— Tom Zohar (@TomZohar) December 21, 2019

palpatine sidling up to some woman at a cantina, nervously clearing his throat to get her attention

“So did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?”

— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) December 21, 2019

What the fuck is going on at The View pic.twitter.com/JRTHrxWQ8b

— Steve Morris (@stevemorris__) December 20, 2019