Ted Cruz Is “Like a Serpent Covered in Vaseline,” Says NYT Columnist Bret Stephens

It’s not every day that you agree with Bret Stephens on … well, anything.

But strange times make strange bedfellows, and the conservative New York Times columnist bought himself a shred of credibility by ripping into Texas Senator and near-human Ted Cruz in a digital conversation with fellow columnist Gail Collins after Cruz’s first debate with rival Beto O’Rourke.

When the subject of Cruz arose, Stephens couldn’t resist launching into a lengthy roast of the master of the Twitterself-own:

“Because he’s like a serpent covered in Vaseline. Because he treats the American people like two-bit suckers in 10-gallon hats. Because he sucks up to the guy who insulted his wife — by retweet, no less. Because of his phony piety and even phonier principles. Because I see him as the spiritual love child of the 1980s televangelist Jimmy Swaggart and Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.” Because his ethics are purely situational. Because he makes Donald Trump look like a human being by comparison. Because “New York values.” Because his fellow politicians detest him, and that’s just among Republicans. Because he never got over being the smartest kid in eighth grade. Because he’s conniving enough to try to put one over you, but not perceptive enough to realize that you see right through him. Because he’s the type of man who would sell his family into slavery if that’s what it took to get elected. And that he would use said slavery as a sob story to get himself re-elected.”

Cruz, it should be noted, got shouted out of a restaurant Monday night as a result of his place on the Senate judiciary committee, where he sits in non-judgment of his longtime friend Brett Kavanaugh—just one chapter in his long, cowardly career.

Even Stephens—whose contributions to the paper of record include climate change denial and bad takes on the so-called smearing of Woody Allen—is punching down when it comes to someone like Cruz. Ted Cruz is a shameless scammer, and not even a particularly good one. Hopefully, come November, Texas voters will put a merciful end to his career in public service.