In addition to his affinity for woodworking, consuming whiskey and moonlighting as a jazz musician, Ron Swanson loves food. Specifically, he loves meat, other foods wrapped in meat and breakfast food. He dislikes just about everything else.
“I’m a simple man,” he says. “I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” His ideal dish is a 16 oz T-bone and 24 oz porterhouse, a combo he calls the Turf ‘n’ Turf. Taking Ron’s specific tastes into consideration, here are some dishes Pawnee’s most bitter Libertarian might go for:
1. Bacon-Wrapped Double Pork Meatloaf
Aida Mollenkamp’s meat-wrapped-in-meat recipe has ‘Ron Swanson’ written all over it. If he calls bacon-wrapped shrimp “my number-one favorite food wrapped around my number-three favorite food,” then he’s sure to enjoy some pork bacon wrapped around more pork meatloaf.
2. Carl’s Jr. Breakfast Burger
Ideal for breakfast-lovers such as Ron, this 790-calorie sandwich incorporates several breakfast staples and is made up of eggs, bacon, American cheese, hashbrowns, ketchup and a beef patty. Ron could probably wolf this down on his way to the office or in between woodworking projects. After all, we know how profound his love is for bacon and eggs.
3. Jack in the Box Steak and Egg Burrito
Scrambled eggs, steak, chipotle sauce, hash browns, cheddar and pepperjack cheese, all wrapped in the warm embrace of a flour tortilla and served with a side of fire-roasted salsa (which probably won’t be spicy enough for Ron’s palette). Jack in the Box’s Steak and Egg Burrito is a typical meat-based breakfast with a kick, which, obviously, Ron can handle— and enjoy.
4. Hardee’s Monster Biscuit
The Hardee’s Monster Biscut is made from bacon, a sausage patty, slices of ham, an egg, two slices of American cheese and a biscuit. Ron doesn’t mess around when it comes to breakfast, and this hardcore sandwich provides him with three meats served up in the form of one breakfast item.
5. Steak ‘n Shake 7×7 Steakburger
Behold: The 7×7 Steakburger, a tower of seven steak patties and seven slices of American cheese. The Steakburger offers Ron an astounding amount of cow protein (an important component on his Pyramid of Greatness), as well as the chance for him to consume seven slices of cheese that were named after his favorite country.
6. IHOP Breakfast Sampler
Because there had to be a classic breakfast platter in this list somewhere. All of Ron’s most valued foods all in one place: eggs, bacon, pork sausage, ham, pancakes and hash browns. All that’s missing is some whiskey and a cigar.
7. KFC’s Double Down
Ah, yes, the Double Down: one of America’s proudest moments. This sandwich replaces the bun with two chicken filets that hold together Swiss and pepper jack cheeses, bacon and “the Colonel’s sauce.” The meal packs a hefty 1,228-calorie punch, but since Ron is not a rabbit, he probably won’t mind much.
8. Chili’s Southern Smokehouse Burger
Chili’s Southern Smokehouse Burger is topped with apple bacon, smoked cheddar, mayonnaise, crispy onion strings and ancho-chile barbecue sauce and is “so bad it should be illega.” It has 2,290 calories and (brace yourselves) 6,500 milligrams of sodium. Sounds like the perfect challenge for Ron. After all, this is the man whose version of a turkey burger is a fried turkey leg stuffed inside a beef patty.
9. Claim Jumper’s Ore Cart
Claim Jumpers triple threat, the Ore Cart, consists of beef back ribs, a half-rack of baby back pork ribs and half a rotisserie chicken. It’s a lot of meat, but no amount of animal flesh is ever too much for Ron.